West Ham United 2-4 Watford FC - 10/09/2016

Our first match after the international break takes us to Upton Par...oh no, hang on. That's yuppie flats like Highbury now. The terraces where we stood, frankly, cowering and filling our knickers in the early '80s under the malignant glare of thousands of aggressively-posturing Danny Dyeresque types are bulldozed in order to make way for a load of nouveau-riche Jemimas and Jeremies from the City. Serves 'em about right.

So where have the academy of football (ha!) sidled off to? Well it turns out they've been more or less gifted the use of the London 2012 Olympic stadium, because nobody else in government could think what to do with it. They've got such a sweet backhanded “nod and a wink” contract that it turns out the taxpayer, that is you and me, will continue to treat the sly, sponging 'Irons' to all their electricity, stewarding, policing and any other sundry costs they fancy chucking on the slate for, as far as I can make out, the next 99 years. So we're going to be picking up the electricity bill for Slavan Bilic's nosehair clippers and Andy bloody Carroll's hairdryer way off into the future. The deal even includes sundries like goal nets and corner flags. Hopefully Iggy will get to do one of his finger-to-heaven knee slide specials right into one of our corner flags at some point. We want to get our money's worth out of 'em.

Expect desperation-tinged loud speaker attempts to keep that ol' traditional West Ham atmosphere going, with huge dollops of corporate cheesiness echoing around the giant steel 'n' chrome bowl. “Come on you Hammers! It's time to blow.....BUBBLES!!!!” From what I've seen on telly the giant bowl (bowel?) is circular as you'd expect and sort of bowed away from the pitch. Those by the halfway line are watching from behind the wide open spaces where long jump sandpit and the 100m finish used to be. I believe however that we away fans have a prime area behind one of the goals. Some Hammers are already grumbling that they should have it and away fans be shunted elsewhere.

So the official address of this place is the vainglorious and self-aggrandising 'London Stadium'. As though it's the only stadium in London. They've got some front, haven't they? It's located in the (so-called) 'Queen' Elizabeth Olympic Park, London, E20 2ST . In other words, and if you take out all the huff puffery and bluster, Stratford. It's in Stratford. According to them “The quickest way to get to the stadium is to walk from Stratford Station. West Ham Station will be extremely busy on matchdays”. Their website says 'no parking' locally with an emphasis that leaves no doubt they mean it. By the sounds of it, if you take your car and park it anywhere within a two mile radius of the stadium, you can look forward to watching the game again on MOTD on the little telly while you queue up at the counter of the Queen Elizabeth II towing compound.

As for the game itself, the Spammers started early from the beginning of August in the Europa league. Our very own Bobby P got in 69 mins against 'em for Juventus in a friendly 3-2 win for the Italians on 7th Aug. Hopefully he got the measure of 'em on that occasion and can do the double over 'em. They've since got knocked out of Europe after losing against Astra or Cavalier or Corsa or someone. Definitely Vauxhall was in it somewhere.

They also lost 2-1 at Chelsea, took a 3-1 tonking off Man City last time out and squeeked a 1-0 home win over the luckless, relegation-haunted Muff.

They've signed the man with the comical dressage pony penalty run up, Simone Zaza. He was linked with us for a while. Having seen him in Euro16 I'm glad to let them have the pleasure. I'd suppose he'll get a run out at some point, assuming he doesn't get crocked in the meantime in the same way as their other signings seem to have done. Andre Ayew is out long term and winger Sofiane Fergihoulihan (sp?) is also injured. Andy “Big girl” Carroll is also, inevitably and unsurprisingly, injured. Pony tail sprain I think.

Unfortunately last season wonder boy Dimitri Payet is supposed to be back from injury along with Lanzini. Hopefully they've rushed them back too soon and they'll be only half-fit and with swollen egos from last year's adulation.

As for us, there are a number of questions to be answered about our lineup. Will go back to 3 at the back after abandoning it at HT versus the Arse? How many of the new boys will be in? How long do we stick with Iggy/Deeney up front? Will Cathcart be back? Will we see Kenedy? Here's my best guess at our lineup:-

WFC: Gomes, Kaboul, Britos, Prodl, Holebas, Capoue, Behrami, Pererya, Amrabat, Iggy, Deeney.

Success, Janmaat and Kenedy on as subs.

Famous West Ham Fans: Ray Winstone, Danny Dyer, Mad Frankie Fraser, Jack the Ripper, Ronnie & Reggie Kray, The Queen Mum.

 

Brilliant.

For anyone going, apparently there's been a bit of "bovver" inside the stadium at their last two home games with some not-so-happy-hammers getting into the away section. This is from a West Ham fan site, where the writer cleverly blames anyone else other than the actual West Ham ******s who insist on going in the wrong area:

 

If I can take something out of today, and to be fair I'm taking very little, its that I now know Jack The Ripper was a famous West Ham fan. Cheers Clive for a very good in depth preview.

 

I remember someone used to do FIFA predictions of each game but I haven't seen it for a while, so I decided to use Football Manager to simulate this fixture - hopefully the screenshots upload, I've never quite got the hang of posting pictures on here.

Mazzarri kept faith in his 5-3-2 formation despite calls to change to a 4-3-3. Miguel Britos is back from Watford general's maternity ward and is reinstated to the starting lineup with Kabasele dropping to the bench. Craig Cathcart was not fit enough to make the squad. Daryl Janmaat was handed his first start at right wing back in place of the thus-far-excellent Nordin Amrabat, while Zuniga was given the nod over Holebas on the other side. Roberto Pereyra also made his first start for Watford alongside Behrami and Capoue in the midfield three. Walter made the bold call of playing Deeney and Ighalo up front together.
It was a fiesty game at the London stadium with plenty of early bookings for each team but not many chances. The 'number of shots' stat flattered to deceive as most were long range efforts, comfortable for Adrian and Gomes respectively.
The most notable moment of the game came in the 84th minute when West Ham captain Mark Noble was sent off for a second yellow card, needlessly fouling second half substitute Abdoulaye Doucoure on the halfway line.
Watford's POTM was Younes Kaboul for a solid display at the back.

Overall not a memorable game by any stretch and hopefully we have a bit more to cheer about in real life this Saturday!

 

Please do this for every match, I beg you!

 

As for west ham and their new stadium, if you look at the website it is very clear that they are just tenants. There is absolutely no connection between the football team and the stadium. It's just where they play their matches.

http://www.london-stadium.com

I would never ever swap the vic for a situation like that. Anyone who would is absolutely crackers.

 

Got a funny feeling we will surprise everyone, Deeney on bench, 0-4 to the Orns, Success 2, Pereyra, Ighalo

 

Haha as long as people want to read it.
From your quote it looks like the first picture didn't work? I can see it on mine...

 

Clive should do more previews. If not all.

Wasn't it Stu who did fifa predictions?

 

I have read that Spam are entitled to half of any naming rights sale above £4m, meaning if they can find someone to sponsor the stadium for £9m they essentially stay for free. Laughably corrupt.

 

No both pics worked, I just changed the url of the first one so as not to take up space by requoting them, but forgot to do the second one!

 

Okay good As I said, I always struggle with pictures!

 

Other than the stadium with huge letters on it reading WEST HAM UNITED on the roof and huge images of their players looming over the Olympic Park? Very much looks like their stadium to me!

 

I think it was Alban Hornet.

 

A Watford win. Guaranteed as I put August as the first win in the vBookies.

I'd say 2-1. 2-0 up, Spam get a late goal back and a typical Watford nervy last 10 minutes.

 

I'll be there, with my West Ham supporting friend with the West Ham fans...I've been warned to wear nothing Watford related and say nothing.

I almost don't want to go.

 

From my experience of Wet Spam away I'd wholeheartedly agree.

 

Thanks Clive, that was one of the best previews ive read on here. V funny

 

Excellent piece, Clive. Top Marx

 

The allocation has annoyed me for this one. I'm thinking of going down there anyway and seeing how much the touts are asking.

 

I think we were offered 2900, that's 100 less than they should have done. Clubs are supposed to offer 3000 or 10%, which ever is the lower of those two allowing for segregation, the stadium was reconfigured specifically for football and there's no excuse for not having 3000 available for away fans.

 

That's what has annoyed me, they must have known the ruling when redesigning.

 

Should've posted on the match day section of the forum if you needed a ticket, you'd probably been offered 4 or 5 by now.

 

Really excited about this game, West Ham have not started too brightly and I have not been that impressed with them in the games I have seen them play this season. I expect this to be a tough game as it always is at West Ham but I can honestly see us getting something here I am more hopeful about this one than I have been in our previous games. I believe that 3 points here would really set us up well going into the games after the United fixture against Burnley, Bournemouth, Middlesborough, Swansea amd Hull.

 

We need to win this one, because I can't see any points against ManU. I think we'll be able to do it, especially if one of the new players has a good day. I'll go 2-1 Watford, Pereyra and Ighalo with the goals.

 

Looks like Payet will be back for them just in time for our visit. He makes a huge difference, and will turn the balance in their favour I think. I thought before the season started we'd do well to pick up more than a point from the first 6 games. I've seen nothing to make me change my mind so far this season.

I think this will be a routine, run-of-the-mill, 2-0 win to West Ham.

 

Can't see us losing to this shower of ****e 3-1 Hornets

 

payet is a one season wonder. He was complete **** at the euros. There is nothing to fear from this shower of *****.

You say you've seen nothing so far this season that makes you think we can even get a draw with West ham. I presume you didn't see the second half v arsenal then?

 

I've not seen too much to think the coach has a good handle on things so far. He may adapt but I feel playing three at the back makes us easy to beat. Until he changes the system I don't see us getting too much joy.

Of course it's just an opinion, but one formed from seeing the vast majority of games this season, including the second half against Arsenal.

If Watford play like that when it's 0-0, then it's a different matter, but playing well when the game is completely lost doesn't mean an awful lot.

 

I think an important consideration is how much Arsenal also eased off the gas. Everyone there knew the game was over at 45 mins and 3-0.

If they'd gone at us hell for leather like they did in the first half, we could have lost that by more I reckon.

 

I hate the West Ham of today. The identity of the traditional east end club, with bubble-blowing cockney geezers (mostly outnumbering the gangsters on match days) has got rapidly darker and seedier under the unholy trinity; the brady-gold-sulliedman triumvirate. A couple of slimy chairmen who made their money in the 80s by cornering the pre Internet pornography market, buying and selling Birmingham City for profit as well as buying Brady a peerage to help seal the deal and secure that stadium. Everything about the club stinks. But there's something weirdly likeable about Bilic.

 

We have to make 3 at the back work, at least until Jan, on the basis there aren't any proper full backs in the squad

 

I can understand the pessimism before we play arsenal or man utd, but west ham? We should always go into games like that thinking we have a good chance of winning. I dunno why so many people have written this game off. We tonked them last year and we've got a better team now, and they are pretty much the same.

 

Is Payet playing for France tonight? Lets hope for a slight knock that keeps him out until next wweek

 

Wise words, Sir. Having made the effort to be out of the country for the 2012 Olympics, this'll be my first trip to the stadium and I'm looking forward to it and a Watford win - or at least a draw.