Bargain Hunt

All flipped around on the bonus buys today. Southon pulls a blinder.

 

Oh no it hasn't.

 

She stole it for 20. Probably gave the dealer a promise.

 

good episode! as moog says, whodathunkit - profits?!

 

Christina, bless her, saying she wasn't sure whether she'd be allowed into a First Class carriage.
No-one could outclass you, princess.

 

Prelude to sweet music.

 

MB asks Christina if she would like to see him re-enact the bowl scene from Caligula.

 

After taking in the extremely sensual Lewd High Street, Christina is tingled by the Southsea air.

 

Blimey.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Lewes 19
Bargain Hunt Series 56
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000kc5z
Lewes High Street plays host to today’s Bargain Hunt. Christina Trevanion is at the helm, with experts Mark Stacey and Catherine Southon helping the teams scour the shops for items that might make a profit at auction. There are plenty of highs and lows in the saleroom, and Christina pays a visit to the Brighton Toy Museum.

The Translation:
Lewd High Street is today's destination in today's Tat Bizarre (particularly after that teapot yesterday) as lovely Christina, with or without the special shared female presenter green coat, introduces the fun and games. Joining her in the dirty laughing festivities is Sarky Marky and Salacious Southon with her unbridled wanton lust. Will the Producers pair her up with a male team? Do they dare? Ardour will be dampened by a Southsea Auction with poor Marine Boy doing his best to extract more than a few washers out of the South-Coast Skinflints. Online bids are the only chance of a Lifebuoy.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Steamstress Christina Trevanion, Doyen of the dirty laugh, you get so much more bang for your buck.
[Red Team Expert] Catherine Southon, super posh, super dull, super randy.
[Blue Team Expert] Sarky Marky Stacey, the sleazy, slurry somnambulist, he has been known to enjoy a pansy.
[Auctioneer] John Marine Boy Cameron
[Auction Location] Southsea, Pompey, Pompey, Southsea
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Retired Autie and Housewife niece. Auntie doesn't realise that Sarky bats for the opposing team.
(Challenge: Made from a cast or mould)
[Blue Team] Retired married couple, he's Italiano, he'll make them an offer they won't refuse for the Refuse.
(Challenge: Italian connection)

The Shopping:
Reds: Art Deco naked lady soap dish (60) ouch hot water, Nasty "Striking" i.e. revolting green and black Aztec-style necklace (35) topend, Silver and mother-of-pearl menu holders (125) topend.
Blues: Boxed 19th century Kiddies silver knife and fork (75) OK, Slightly damaged mother-of-pearl inlaid Napoli Mandolin with case (45 Challenge) OK, Monopoly-style Champagne bucket hat (35) good.

The Distraction:
Christina visiting the Brighton Toy Museum conjures up all sorts of mental images. Old Chris show her his pride and joy. That's magnificent says Christina and I also adore these toy trains. Old Chris demonstrates how his locomotive is ready to steam deep into a tunnel. I love fiddling with my Brighton Bell he says with a wink. Christina's laugh is so dirty that his coked boiler erupts uncontrollably.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Art Deco naked lady soap dish (small profit), Nasty "Striking" i.e. revolting green and black Aztec-style necklace (big profit), Silver and mother-of-pearl menu holders (small loss). Blimey, almost a GG at Pompey.
Sarky's BB is a Artts & Crafts Liberty bowl (65), 40-60, 28. Oh dear Sarky dents their big profit.



Blues: Boxed 19th century Kiddies silver knife and fork (evens stevens), Slightly damaged mother-of-pearl inlaid Napoli Mandolin with case (small loss), Champagne bucket hat (nice profit).
Dully's BB are Gents cologne bottles in a leather travelling case (20), 40-60, 42. Decent profit and a decent find from Dully. Will she be indecent later?



The Aftermath:
Wow. 2 overall profits in the Pompey Miser's Parlour. Both teams get folding money. Unreal. Sarky's Reds a within a gnats chuff of a Golden Gaval, in Pompey. Sarky's bowl then dents their profits like it's hammered finish. Dully's Blues with the sheltering mafiosa Vincenzo, also had a steady shop and were close to the GG, no nothing to do with horses or their severed heads. Randy managed to steal a tidy looking Gents Travelling set for 20 notes. What did she have to promise to get it for that price!



The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor kick which was very rushed and very uncoordinated. Yup a mess.

​

 

If such a film as "Carry On Bargain Hunting" was made, who would you have playing whom ?

Frankie Howerd = Mark Stacey
Sid James = Philip Serrell
Kenneth Williams = Charles Hanson
Bernard Bresslaw = Raj Bisram
Charles Hawtry = Danny Sebastian
Peter Barkworth = Thomas Plant (or whatever he calls himself these days)
Kenneth Connor = Charlie Ross
Jack Douglas = Eric Knowles

The ladies seem somewhat harder to cast. For instance, would June Whitfield in one of her pompous roles be Hawley or Bliss ? Which of the lovelies would be Christina....or Tash...or Roo ?

 

Foghorn Jericho would be played by Joan Sims Battleaxe of a Mother in Carry on Camping, Amelia Bayntun.

 

Lol, bang on the money with that one.

So June Whitfield slots in as Trilly. Well meaning but somewhat irritating & overbearing.

 

Roo can take the Valerie Leon role as supporting Totty, who takes her glasses off and lets her hair down, to reveal huge potential. Here she is in Carry On Camping.

 

It's Wiggy McWitch today.

She's wearing Hanson's deckchair material.

Blue Richard E Grant Son-in-Law.

Boring old Radio Ham Male Red. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Tightarse Yorkshireman.

 

"Drink?"
"I tried it once and didn't like it"
"Smoke?"
"I tried it once and didn't like it and it's not just me, my daughter is just the same"
"Only child is she?" Yak-yak-yak.

 

The joys of being self-employed.....sat at computer, editing my website, going through folders/boxes of programmes which haven't been updated for a while.....with this nonsense kicking off in the background, lol.

 

Yep.....that's DEFINITELY Kate, bless her.

 

He like's brown wood. Yup shoved up his arse. I hope he doesn't get a Golden Gavel. The old miser.

That dealer volunteers a pound off. That smacks of an overpriced milk churn.

Teapot biggest profit?

No, it has to be the carafe. Everyone is going for the teapot.

Carafe is hallmarked too.

Noddy explanations for hallmark searching.

Baldy Blue tries to lecture Madders on silver.

 

That's not a feature nicked off the Antiques Roadshow, is it ?

 

I switched off. What was worth the most?

 

Absolute **** show of experts and presenter today. Hope there's a good auctioneer otherwise this is a true c list episode. Tubby Thomas, ****y Madely and McWitch.

Tbf the contestants today are quite savvy. Doing good haggling and not making really dumb decisions, despite having awful experts.

 

It's a farking c0ckerel not a sodding Rooster you senile old hag.

 

Only one bothered to examine the item to find hallmarks on the carafe.

 

Tubby Thomas.....

"A pound !"

 

Actually Blue Son-in-law looks like David Carradine in Kung Fu.

 

No big spend today. Means one thing. Miser's auction.

 

Rick Wakeman.

Her-her-her.

 

Bruce Lee was supposed to play Grasshopper but they went with a white actor instead.

 

Yes? Yes!

 

Yorkshireman baulks at 55 notes.

Fark he's going to get a GG. Boooooooo.

One made out of flint. Boooooooooo.

Tubby, jewelley expert, LOL, another loss. LOL.

 

Excellent profit on the ****

 

Wakeman wielding a cricket stick as a gavel.

Profit on buckle. Yorkshire man's haggling paying off.

 

Chair is **** but cheap.

Gg!

Luxury!