Bargain Hunt

22 for a fake statuette from The Range. Got 'the look.'

Actually that statuette is quite sexy.

Tissues at the ready again.

 

She really is a terrible Auctioneer. Sniffy and sarcastic.

 

Rusty weather vane.

Cat ladies are bidding it up.

 

I bet she is second generation or something

 

Plaidy strikes Gold or should I say Silver.

Another Plaidy Bargain with his BB.

She barely sells it for 15. At least it's a profit.

 

Totally wrong about the silver vases.

Nick O'Tine 1 - 0 Southon

 

oh dear. Southon humiliated. "melt value only"?! there's only one melt here, luv

 

Crappy calendar bonus buy. I'm sure I've thrown away about 12 of those over the years

 

She needs punishing, moog. A good spanking?

 

I don't like an auctioneer to wield the gavel like a hammer. You should grasp the head and tap it down, ignoring the handle. That's how the masters do it.

 

Oooooooh!

 

He barely raised his leg, he was obviously inspired by Dully's enthusiasm.

 

She'll be hammering your gavel later Moog, like a true Master.

 

And soon to be be back in another charity shop window in the very near future.

 

What a let down. Red bloke follows up his three figure loss with one of the lamest half-hearted 'kicks' in recent memory. What a load of rubbish.

 

init.

That episode last week has really scarred you

 

Plaidy Masterclass. Gary PP Disasterclass. Dully frustrated in so many ways.

 

Perhaps her Manservant is away recovering. She was pretty grumpy. Either not enough sleep or not enough mattress machinations.

 

Another email to Points of View coming up.

Where was the director? Should have come running out shouting 'cut, cut, CUT!!!' at that point and had a strong talk with red bloke. Is he ready for more Bargain Hunt or not? Well SHOW it then love, SHOW IT!! Don't just be lifting your foot tamely like you've stood in a dog turd, Hi Kick love! Hi Kick! Get it UP!!!


Now let's try it again.....

 

McWitch turns the Barber historian into a frog after he balks at her Brazillian shave request. Meanwhile, the Donkey puts on a Gary Head.

 

Ooo ooo, Top Hats, Donkey's Head, Melt Value Posing Holder, Moog's rough hands .........

 

BBC approved preamble:
Ardingly 18
Bargain Hunt Series 54
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0009vsr
Today, antiques experts Gary Pe and Nick Hall guide the reds and blues on their bargain hunt in the East Sussex town of Ardingly. But how will their items fare when they go under the hammer? Presenter Anita Manning uncovers the hairy history of the barber shop.

The Translation:
Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting, Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing. Yup it's Nation Broomstick Day where all the witches and warlocks gather for their annual shindig. This year it's presided over by McWitch from the Glasgow Hillhead Hag Her-her-her-her branch. She is is joined by Nick Hall in his flowing Plaid robes and Gary PeePee, a witches familiar gone wrong, his magical power is to make much money disappear in the blink of an eye particularly with his underwhelming BB spell. Later on, the there will be a climax on the rostrum as Gropey Southon embibes gallons of lust potion and will end up humping the lectern in anticipation of any isolated or indeed small groups of unwary males or females. Well we all know the debauched orgy an BH auction can descend to. If a sexy sounding name gets you moist then the aural delights of Catherine Southon Auctioneers should have the precipitative effect of the Sahara Desert during a particularly barren spell.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Anita McWitch Manning, Sylvester McCoy's Doctor's Demented Sister
[Red Team Expert] Garry BB is PP
[Blue Team Expert] Nick Plaid All Over Hall
[Auctioneer] Catherine Southon, super posh, super dull, super useless, super disinterested, super grumpy
[Auction Location] Catherine Southon Auctioneers
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Mixed sex partners who are at the University of Sussex. Could well be Marxists or perhaps not.
(Challenge: Makes a sound)
[Blue Team] Landlady mother and Nurse daughter.
(Challenge: Gardenalia)

The Shopping:
Reds: 5 Victorian paper imprinting rollers (79) ouch, Art Deco-style alarm clock (8 Challenge) OK, Papier mache Donkey head theatre props (big loss) ouch, firestorm burns.
Blues: Boxed Christy's top hat (45) good, Cat weather vane (75 Challenge) topend, Pair of German silver posy holders (170) ouch, struggle.

The Distraction:
McWitch slurs her way through male grooming. She wants to hear about the barber surgeon's blood letting. Her eyes light up at the prospect of bathing in virgins blood to preserve her beauty. It's either not working or her previous form was too hideous to mention. Decorative cut-throat razors are also of interest to a rabid Glaswegian for some post-pub street entertainment. She false laughs hopefully about a hairy shave, this is beyond grim. Something for the weekend sir? Note that McWitch casts no reflection in the mirror.

​

The Auction:
Reds: 5 Victorian paper imprinting rollers (big loss), Art Deco-style alarm clock (evens stevens.), Papier mache Donkey head theatre props (95).
Gary's PP BB is an Art Deco-style figure (22), 5-8 (it's resin), 35. It actually makes a profit.



Blues: Boxed Christy's top hat (small loss), Cat weather vane (decent profit), Pair of German silver posy holders (huge profit).
Plaidy's tenner BB is a French perpetual desktop calendar (10), 20-30, 15. She barely sells it for a profit. Dully is so unenthusiastic.



The Aftermath:
Dully hated all of Gary's Red Team items and it showed in her unenthusiastic sarcastic gavelling. Mind you, they were dreadful tat. 2 big losses and some items destined for the skip, a bin-rescued alarm clock at a rock bottom price, just breaks even and his resin figure makes a small profit. PP Chalk was countered by Plaidy Cheese as he demonstrated to his Blue Team what a good expert he is. Dully was quite sniffy and dismissive about some of his items, but bar the Top Hat small loss, everything else made a profit. Dully hated the Silver posy holders and valued them for 'melt value', cue a massive profit despite some disinterested, unenthusiastic auctioneering. Large 3-figure profit Plaidy Masterclass, large 3-figure loss Gary PP Disasterclass.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor kick. McWitch casts her disruption spell as usual which makes Gary's leg disappear. Amazingly the tall lanky Red Bloke makes one of the worst kicks ever, only McWitch makes less of an effort, her spell is powerful. Red Mum landlady gets her leg right up. Perhaps her tenants are helping with her flexibility. Late with the rent again, I'll pretend to be Catherine Southon and you can be the WFC Forum victim. Yes, YES!!

​

 

snigger, titter. as you imply, suspiciously limber:

Red Mum landlady gets her leg right up. Perhaps her tenants are helping with her flexibility. Late with the rent again, I'll pretend to be Catherine Southon and you can be the WFC Forum victim. Yes,

 

Lol, £266 margin ! That's a stuffing and a half, we're in the realms of Sunderland September 1982 with that one.

 

Once again I ask, is this a record? Can't be much margin for more, unless someone accidentally bought a Monet whilst the other team were led by Danny Sebastian to pay 3 figures for a rusted and dented animal water trough.

 

Either that or an Cheapskate's Am Dram Production of The Island of Dr. Moreau.

 

No, Ardingly 26 Bargain Hunt Series 63 Timpole Red Profit of 270 and Jericho Blue Loss of 91 = 361 GBP Margin.

 

You might be in luck!!!!! She doesn't get any!! Put on your Classic Stringback Driving Gloves and get round there now.

 

You can't tell me Omnifool Ross doesn't peer over his glasses and give her a right seeing to whenever they share a show.

 

You're going to be exhausted, she's on again today along with Tubby Thomas, who I'm sure doesn't bother her in that department.

Also featuring Strict Natasha and Hanson doing the gavelling.

Pottery Distraction by the looks.

Antique Centre. Booooooooooo.

Retired married couple. They will be safe with Dully.

Uninspiring challenges, a chain or a pin.

A pin to pop Tubby Thomas.

 

It's smooth, not referring to Blue Slaphead.

Make sure there's no kinks says Kinky Cath.

Can't beat a bit of Blue John.

No proper haggling in the centres.

Strict Natasha wearing her quaker/puritan outfit.

Love-it and Love-it. I really Lovatt.

Scrooge and Steptoe reborn in the Red couple.

Painful haggling.

Sh1tty oil lamp.

 

Hanson, time to work your magic.

Online-only. Will he struggle. C'mon, c'mon.

"The Reds have REJECTED their bonus buy."

Even Charles shocked at spendthrift Dully. It sinks like a Lead weight.

 

I think the reds played a solid game. The tree ornaments were a bit if a panic buy, but they still kept losses to a minimum and rejected the BB.

Those are the sort of BH performances which win titles.

 

Tubby Thomas disasterclass?

Looking like it.

BB disaster.

The jewellery expert, LOL.

Very unenthusiastic kick, bit like the experting.