Bargain Hunt

...moi non plus!

Jane Birkin's aged badly there...

 

BBC approved preamble:
Epsom
Bargain HuntSeries 47-49 (Shortened Versions)
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m00123kk
Today the show comes from Epsom Racecourse in Surrey, where the teams are chomping at the bit to bag a bargain and some golden gavels. Keeping them in check are host Anita Manning and experts Danny Sebastian and David Harper. The blues are after golden gavels while the reds are spending big.

The Translation:
McWitch starts at an old 1618 natural spring. She only has to look at it and the water turns stagnant. It contains a natural mineral called Lead sulphide which has been giving the inhabitants mental and development problems for centuries. Well that and the in-breeding which was just as likely responsible. After she's finished poisoning the water supply she heads off to Epsom Racecourse in Surrey, to be joined by Dark Horse, the 3-legged old nag, DayGlo Dave and blinkered ass, Squeak Shatterglass. Tic-tac auction for today is with John McCririck's bitch, JP Pratt, the nominative determinate gavel basher.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Anita McWitch Manning, Sylvester McCoy's Doctor's Demented Sister
[Red Team Expert] Danny Distasterclass Sebastian, he puts the tat into lovely bronze exploitation statue only 5 pound
[Blue Team Expert] Dayglo David Harper, the Teeside Tat Trouserer
[Auctioneer] Gently effeminate gaffe-prone Jonathan JP Pratt with his Tory boy fashion style, classic bully-fodder
[Auction Location] Dreweatts, Newbury
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)

​

The Teams:
[Red Team] Married couple, actor and she's into Lego robotics
[Blue Team] Mixed sex Friends, another lofty and stumpy duo, both into gardening, uphill might be aproblem due to relative sizes

The Shopping:
Reds: Large Philips terrestrial globe (110), Jewellery box (60), Miniature scent bottle and pouch (9).
Squeak's BB is a 1940s Brunsviga Nova calculator (40), straight out the bin.
Blues: Carved wooden pitchfork (30), Late-18th century silver vinaigrette (40), Silver and amethyst bar brooch (10).
Dayglo's BB is a George II solid mahogany bomb-shaped tea caddy (40).

The Distraction:
No time for this in a 23 min programme. Though making McWitch eat Epsom Salts from the pre-credits sequence would have been a worthwhile spent minute instead of today's excessive squeaking.

The Auction:
No time for estimates. Boooooooo.
Reds: Large Philips terrestrial globe (evens stevens), Jewellery box (small loss), Miniature scent bottle and pouch (good profit).
Squeak's BB is a 1940s Brunsviga Nova calculator (40), straight out the bin, 60, cough 20 pound profit.



Blues: Carved wooden pitchfork (big profit), Late-18th century silver vinaigrette (huge profit), Silver and amethyst bar brooch (good proit). Big as bold brass balls Golden Gavel.
Dayglo's BB is a George II solid mahogany bomb-shaped tea caddy (40), 70, a 30 note profit for a whopping overall profit. Amazing.

​

The Aftermath:
They were burning heaps of money before our very eyes at this Auction. Even Team Squeak made a profit. Danny Pimpsqueak dressed like an extra from the Candy Tangerine Man made more money from the gavel blows than the ho's. No neckerchief this time, just a blaxploitayion shirt and tie which made him squeak even more. An overall proit of 46 GBP to The Clash's London Calling seems like winning 42 billion on Euromillions to The Laughing Policeman. It's raining money for DayGlo's Blues. A massive Golden Gavel and a huge 200 quid profit. Outstanding. The Squeak is bundled into the boot of the Candy Tangerine Man Cadillac, and driven out of town, to be thrown into the municipal dump, where he finds some upcycling-friendly fruit crates and a very nice water trough which he can sell later. McWitch gives the Blues the GGs from her cold dead hands. Dayglo doesn't get one but get his reward from McWitch later, a new sort of Glasgow Kiss. Shudder.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor. All bar McWitch, who looks like she's been zapped by 10,000 Volts, and Mavic Chen, make par but not all at the same time.

​

 

LOL Good spot.

 

"Somebody who knows more than we do." Duh

 

Izzie loves the Rams. Eyebrows raise.

 

The Reds are in the spotlight. Arf, Arf.

 

"It's different". Yep that's one way of describing that brass ice bucket. Will it be a brass dustbin? Oddjob makes it fly as a top hat.

Brass/Copper items are booming.

Findus Fish Bowl.

 

Money, money, money. Again.

 

i don't care if it is a naff lossmaker; those charming 70s rattan tables would be perfect for any expat verandah.

 

to be set alongside:

 

and we all know what/who can langourously lounge in one of those...

https://m.imdb.com/video/vi2048835097/?playlistId=tt0071464&ref_=tt_ov_vi

 

brave lads selling Forest gear in Derby!
Lucky they have internet bidders...

 

Vintage iron complete with no expense cobwebs. We're interested in your striking items. How much for the pair?

 

alternatively...

 

you can defo pop her into my rattan chair.

 

enjoyed that. some unpredictable results. a pleasing swelling item for Izzie too.
Blue couple quietly charming.

And no sign of f**kng Danny! hurrah

 

BBC approved preamble:
Newark 31
Bargain Hunt Series 63
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001g51d
Eric Knowles and the teams are at Newark Showground, where experts Izzie Balmer and Nick Hall assist them in their search for items to sell at auction. While he’s in Nottinghamshire, Eric visits the Walks of Life Museum to learn more about the history of handcarts.

The Translation:
As we shiver at home we can see Uncle Eric sweat it out at Scorchio Fest at Newark Showground, Notts. Joining him will be Dizzie Izzie and her 70s style floppy hat and Plaidy in his summer cooling waistcoat (and other garments, natch) him running around just wearing his sleeveless woosted cardi would be bizarre in the extreme, BHs Cardi P. Remember, this is a respectable show and not Carry on Camping, which is a big shame. Matron McWitch, Plaidy James, Hanson Hawtrey, Christina Windsor, Cleo Izzie, Squeaky "Another Pound' Butterworth, Kenneth Rees-Moog Kirk, Strict Natasha Sims, would make it possible. The Auction is with a new young bloke, Sean Devitt, and his facial third armpit, the oxter Scaramanga, The Man with the Golden Gavel. Will it be a Mary Goodnight for profits or a Nik-Nak tatastic flying car folding golden boom.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, he loves a sausage
[Red Team Expert] Dizzie Izzie Barmy Balmer, another member of The 93%, She enjoys a Ram.
[Blue Team Expert] Nick Plaid All Over Hall
[Auctioneer] Sean Armpit Devitt, The Man with the Golden Gavel
[Auction Location] Bamfords, Derbyshire
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Nephehew and Uncle Estate Agent and Dan Dan Karate Man
(Challenge: Something you can look through)
[Blue Team] Niece and Uncle, he's a school bus driver
(Challenge: Comes in a set)

The Shopping:
Reds: Vintage Kodak camera and case (20 Challenge) topend, Old Spotlight (108) struggle, City Ground Forest sign (10) OK.
Blues: Retro nested table (40 Challenge) topend, 19th Century Copper planter (60) good, Art Nouveau 9ct gold amethyst and pearl brooch (75) topend.

The Distraction:
The Wheelie good Distraction should finish happily for Uncle Eric with a hand cart. Later on he gets romantically involved with a stirrup pump.



The Auction:
Reds: Vintage Kodak camera and case (loss), Old Spotlight (2 notes profit), City Ground Forest sign (decent profit).
Dizzie's BB is a 1920s brass ice bucket (40), 30-50, 90, great find Dizzie.



Blues: Retro nested table (loss), 19th Century Copper planter (big profit), Art Nouveau 9ct gold amethyst and pearl brooch (largish profit).
Plaidy's BB is an 3,000 year Indus Valley bowl (40), 30-40, 85. Excellent purchase Plaidy.



The Aftermath:
A bit of a subdued internet auction at times. Some items silently sink but there are some big delayed profits. However, there were some great items and 2 potentially risky but ultimately very profitable BBs. A close to 60 quid profit for the Reds was trumped by an excellent, Plaidy-guided, 145 note profit. Outstanding work.



The Hi-Kick:
Outdoor kick next to some patio furniture. Uncle Eric shoots his bolt as usual and one of the Reds gets there eventually. Yes, YES!!

​

 

Indeed. Classic image. Eternal daydream. With some room for that nest of tables.

 

arf:
his facial third armpit, the oxter Scaramanga, The Man with the Golden Gavel

Some proper 70s classics referenced today. Bond, Emmanuelle, Cloughie's Forest, the Carry On series...


oh, what i would give to see 'Carry On Bargain Hunting'...

 

A novel way of looking for silver hallmarks...

 

Danny Squeak's claim to have found King John's crown in a Margate skip doesn't convince Sid James...

 

'don't i have a lovely asp?'
'yes, and your box isn't bad either'

 

The team react badly when expert Caesar's 'ivory-handled' Bonus Buy turns out to be a cheap reproduction...

 

'Ere. That Muttley Serrell convinced me it was real Gold.

 

Where's that Tubby Thomas. I'm going to thrash him to within an inch of his life, Nyeeesss

 

Oh Helllo. I believe I'm your new expert. I think I'm Red but I seem to have come over all Blue.

 

I'm only going on Bargain Hunt so I can get me shag. Nya-aha-ha.

 

Is that hallmarked for Bristol?

 

"hallmarked for Bristol" the clear winner

 

WPC Christina.

 

"There are some surprises at the Auction" followed by a shot of Muttley taking the Auction.

Reds are into Dogs, Tubby Thomas will be their bitch.

Blue woman is very annoying.

Spelter horsey is a loser at that price, particularly in a Muttley Auction.

No haggling Blues, spells disaster.

Another battered horn.

Tubby's found his Queening chair.

 

Kate's intonation going haywire.
I missed the intro: are the Reds men or wimmin? Or something in between?

 

I see she dressed up too.
Always good to see her face touching a helmet

 

Christina: "How are you?"
Muttley: "All the better for seeing you"
You Dirty Dog Serrell