1. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Is that William Hague?
     
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  2. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    I worked with a female colleague who couldn't believe that a certain diminutive actor might have a non-lady preference. She didn't understand the other meanings of the words beard and cottage.
     
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  3. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    I bet those Antique shops were alot lighter afterwards. Were there metal detectors on the entrance?
     
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  4. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    "Watch out! the busy's are comin!"

    The BH fleeces covered up the shell-suits too.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2022
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  5. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    What on earth was that snooty public schoolboy auctioneer doing in Scousepool, Cityport of Thieves.
     
  6. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    arf.
    (btw it's the fella from The Princess Bride, for any unaware viewers)
     
  7. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    ha. it is amazing how long they stay in denial too. even when they concede, the next line is always "er, well, yeah but no but.... i can be the one to change him!"

    uh-huh. says a girl who probably only opens the chocolate factory to golden ticket holders on leap year days. good luck winning over Grinder George and his deep-mining mates.
     
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  8. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    community service order?

    Missionary work?
     
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  9. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    No use. They are experts at smuggling ferrous cross the Mersey.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2022
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  10. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    i am so sorry.
    Scouse is contagious even through a telly screen.
     
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  11. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    "spectacularly bad...well done!" giggles Saint Christina, properly in the right spirit.

    That really was bloody awful.

    Great 45 minutes.
     
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  12. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    This explains where those BBs came from.

    TwilightZone.jpg
     
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  13. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    @wfcmoog it was so terrible that you have to watch it. Great entertainment.
     
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  14. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    BBC approved preamble:
    Liverpool 28
    Bargain Hunt Series 55
    https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000hk36
    Today’s teams are in the north west of England with experts David Harper and Gary Pe. Christina Trevanion is in charge, and the teams have one hour to buy their three items to take to auction.

    The Translation:
    Today, the screechy moaning, flashing blue lights, and things here one minute and gone the next, must mean we are in Scousepool. Sex-on-legs Christina Trevanion is hosting in the city of Monkey Business where they won't be able to calm down but might be distracted enough to indulge in the stereotypical nickery, hoodwinkery, and hilarious one-liners straight from the Stan Boardman joke pamphlet. Bringing us down to earth with a bump after the legendary hilariousness will be Auctioneer Adam Partridge, the sneering resentful DJ I mean gavel basher stuck in Norwich I mean TeethGnashpool.

    The Staff:
    [Gaffer] Bomb de sexe Christina Trevanion.
    [Red Team Expert] Gary PeePee, Bonus Buyus Bizarrus Sh1ttus
    [Blue Team Expert] Dayglo David Harper, the Teeside Tat Trouserer
    [Auctioneer] Adam Aha Partridge, your snuff box is about 30 mm from my gland.
    [Auction Location] Livermoan
    (Miserlin Rating: Approved)

    Start.jpeg Auction.jpeg

    The Teams:
    [Red Team] Male friemds who met as extras on a dodgy sounding film. Their side-splitting asides showcased the familiar cultural tropes associated with Knockoffpool.
    (Challenge: Connected with water)
    [Blue Team] Father and Blue-haired daughter. Is she the legendary Toffee lady, tossing off the Blue tossers while handing out the occasional mint.
    (Challenge: Form of an animal)

    The Shopping:
    Reds: Scandi glass vases (22 Challenge) OK, Pair of Pokerwork tables (85) ouch, Hand carved wood and brass table screen (70) OK.
    Blues: Art pottery bowl (18) OK, African tribal art masks (32 Challenge, Failed so -32), 80s-style octagonal table and 4 chairs (110) ouch.

    The Distraction:
    None today. The wit and wisdom of the Red Team could have been replaced with 5 minutes of Christina's dirty laughing. Here, she's thrills to Gary's Magic Lamp.

    Distraction.jpg

    The Auction:
    Reds: Scandi glass vases (loss), Pair of Pokerwork tables (largish loss), Hand carved wood and brass table screen (largish loss).
    Gary's PP BB is that sh1tty pair of lamps from earlier (58), 20-40, 10, you couldn't help yourself, could you Gary.

    PokerworkTable.jpeg Lamps.jpeg

    Blues: Art pottery bowl (small loss), African tribal art masks (DQ -32), 80s-style octagonal table and 4 chairs (big loss).
    Dayglo's BB is a Rock salt coated ship in a wood and glass case (30), 30-50, 15, another loss. Truly dreadful object.

    TableAndChairs.jpeg SaltShip.jpeg

    The Aftermath:
    What a terrible Auction. Adalan Partidge Aha-no couldn't hide his contempt and disdain for the items brought to him in the valuation and set the tone for the Auction. The thinly veiled sneering transmitted across into one of the tightest arsed audiences ever to have been filmed for the series. Producers, please take not, please avoid any Auction Houses in Port locations or anywhere close to water. Both teams bought shockingly leading to 3-figure losses. Pity the poor experts, they were exceptionally bad, but part of me wondered whether getting such terrible BBs was an act of revenge, both so dreadful that they had to be some form of sick joke. DayGlo didn't understand that their challenge meant in a form of an animal and not just have an animal on it, the sort of mistake that an 11-year old makes by not reading the question or instructions in their end of year exams. Poor Christina, the only plus point in this sorry mess. However, it was a very enjoyable, highly entertaining episode for all the wrong reasons. LOL. A slow motion car crash between the Keystone Cops (or should that be Kops) and Charlie Cairoli escaping in his clown's car from Norman Barrett's Circus of performing Budgies fame.

    RedLoss.jpeg BlueLoss.jpeg

    The Hi-Kick:
    Standard indoor quick kick, par more or less hit, Blue Girl puts in a head shot but it's a bit tardy. Yes, YES!!

    HiKick.jpeg
     
  15. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    HiKick2.jpeg
     
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  16. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    Perhaps they were Lead astray from those church roofs.
     
  17. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    38 mins 45 secs (40 minute slot) as the Distraction item was dropped or lost, probably found its way into the back of a van to be flocked at a posh Wirral car boot sale tomorrow morning.
     
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  18. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    ha, good spot!
    Second day running that a wall detail has been detected by Reg-o-Vision.
     
  19. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    n.b. legal notice: Reg-O-Vision instant scanning technology must *not* be adapted for nefarious purpose...

    1000_F_74228846_qYVk7u1cqH6q89SuiiVprPZ1NeUCLxk2.jpg
     
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  20. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    Gary Peeee again, ffs.
     
  21. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    Tash in her cute Breton sailor outfit. Mmm.
     
  22. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    on a dark rainy night, when very p*ssed, and very randy, you might just reimagine Bluebird as French actress Adele E:
    Adele-Exarchopoulos-reussit-a-rendre-glamour-le-maillot-de-football.jpg
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2022
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  23. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    uh. he did the 'rhubarb crumble' joke.
    Scousery Weekend continues.
     
  24. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    "It's totally useless!" proclaims Gary Pee about his industrial art.
    Too easy...
     
  25. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    "Consistent!" chirps cheeky c**t Gary as he surveys the final tally carnage he co-created.
     
  26. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    :D "It doesn't quite flow aesthetically," euphemises Colin about a hideous, if well-branded, Frankenstein's monster of a lot.
     
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  27. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    An hour of Gary. What a slog that was.
     
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  28. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    That's a very phallic Rhubarb forcer. No wonder Sarky made a beeline for it.

    Let's hope it doesn't crumble says Rick Wakeman.
     
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  29. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    WTF has Gary bought. Industrial mould or should we say mold.
     
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  30. wfcmoog

    wfcmoog Tinpot

    WMF
    Wiktor Mon Frankenstein
     
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  31. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    That horrendous/hilarious Gary 'industrial art' mould made my day.
    Mouldy, no dough, from Loo-Tenant PidginSh*t.

    How does he face his day job after hour-long drubbings like that?
    A public service broadcast warning us all 'this man is fckng useless: hide your wallets now'
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2022
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  32. OldTraff78

    OldTraff78 First Year Pro

    Sarky's hoping to end up covered in custard?
    fnurkle fnarkle.

    roobarb-custard-hand-painted-pop-art_360_5a5963812d23352979f624dcb02b4aa3.jpg
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2022
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  33. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    BBC approved preamble:
    Stamford Meadows
    Bargain HuntSeries 49-52 (Extended Versions) Episode 14 of 15
    https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000vbyx
    Natasha Raskin Sharp leads proceedings from Stamford Meadows in Lincolnshire. Mark Stacey and Gary Pe are the experts helping the reds and blues spend £300 on three items in the hope of making a profit at the auction! Natasha also finds out how to spot rare books that could be worth thousands of pounds.

    The Translation:
    In Stamford Meadows, while Strict Natasha is delving through 30,000 odd books. a couple of tomes in particular catch her eye, Justine, or the Missed fortunes of Serrell; and Philosophy in the Boudoir: finding that Georgian Chamber Pot Bargain. She's impressed by the strict guidelines and punishment but disappointed by the rampant rule breaking which wouldn't happen if things were under her watch. Today she is joined by Pansey hedonist, Marky De Sark, fresh from his 120 Days of Sodom, and Gary PeePee BeeBee, taking a break from his monastic order who seek pleasure in the fondling of bafflingly awful artefacts. Banging the gavel in a lascivious way will be Rick Wakeman, hair shorn as punishment for his crimes of unnecessary long prog keyboard solos. Gives a whole new meaning to the programme Flog It.

    The Staff:
    [Gaffer] Strict Natasha Raskin-Sharp, any infringements met with a wagging finger followed by a spanked arse, if you're lucky
    [Red Team Expert] Sarky Marky Stacey, the sleazy, slurry somnambulist, he does enjoy a pansy
    [Blue Team Expert] Gary PeePee, Bonus Buyus Bizarrus Sh1ttus
    [Auctioneer] Colin Rapido Young, pre-Rick Wakeman short-haired variant with Alan Sugar-style beard
    [Auction Location] Golding Young & Mawer, Bourne, Lincs
    (Miserlin Rating: Approved)

    Start.jpg

    The Teams 1:
    [Red Team] Married couple, they met when they were 15 and got married when they were both 16, arf arf
    [Blue Team] Retired Mother registrar of births, deaths and marriages, she may be needed to register the death in profits, and daughter, who aspires to be a primary school teacher, ready for those challenges, miss I can't hold it in anymore

    The Shopping 1:
    Reds: Mahogany pistol case (38) topend, Victorian silver horseshoe brooch (10) Good, Chester silver saucepan pepper pot (65) topend.
    Blues: Silver chain mail evening purse (68) ouch, Choker necklace and dragonfly brooch (110) double ouch, Ditchfield glass paperweight (89) topend.

    The Auction 1:
    Reds: Mahogany pistol case (small profit), Victorian silver horseshoe brooch (nice profit), Chester silver saucepan pepper pot (nice profit), it's a Golden Gavel, nice work.
    Sarky's BB is a pottery Victorian rhubarb forcer (90), 40-60, ouch, REJECTED, 70. It sunk Sarky, Strict Natasha will smack your arse.
    Blues: Silver chain mail evening purse (largish loss), Choker necklace and dragonfly brooch (loss), Ditchfield glass paperweight (small profit), it's a Lead Wooden Spoon for them.
    Gary's PP BB is a WTF industrial pump mould (33), he would pay 100 LOL, 40-60, 20. Yep, another Gary Garbage loss maker. Dear oh dear. What does he find this rubbish. Even the dustmen would reject it.

    Auction1.jpg

    The Aftermath 1:
    Sarky's Reds found some nice items and came away with a Golden Gavel. Sarky himself had a rush of blood to the head with his forcer that the Reds rightly rejected. Gary's Blues were the opposite. They made a small profit on one item and severely overpaid on the others. The Showstooper was his WTF BB industrial effluent, truly hideous, and made a loss. Another one for Gary's Gallery of the Grotesque.

    RedWin1.jpeg BlueLoss1.jpeg

    The Hi-Kick:
    Not shown. Booooooooooooo.

    The Distraction:
    Strict Natasha is introduced to some rare literature such as a first edition James Potter-Bond book, "Deathly Hairpiece: Chamber Closet Of Dr No" and the Snakeskin bound "Sean Connery's Guide to Boxing Volume 1: How To Solve Problems At Home", foreword by Geoffrey Boycott. She discovers that writing your name on the first page, having a large inky library stamp, or a prominent **** and balls drawn on the dust cover, seriously devalues the book. Wayne Kerr's biography on Sarky, "Don't Eat The Pansies" is proudly displayed.

    Distraction.jpeg

    The Teams 2:
    [Red Team] Husband and wife, he's a night receptionist, lots of eyebrow raising at nocturnal comings and goings, so that's put an end to intra-marital relationships in this household, he may get grouchy from the lack of sleep.
    [Blue Team] Best mates, the RPG twins on day release, one of them is a drink dispenser, ah a professional beer pump or soda siphon

    The Shopping 2:
    Reds: Oval butterfly brooch (40) might struggle, WMF Figurine and glass dish (130) Aaaarggh ouch, Acrylic side table (60) topend.
    Blues: Golf-themed shoehorn (5) Profit certs, Commemorative gold postage stamps (59) topend, Chrome-cased ship's clock (108) third-degree ouch.

    The Auction 2:
    Reds: Oval butterfly brooch (evens stevens), WMF Figurine and glass dish (nice profit), Acrylic side table (loss).
    Sarky's BB is an Arts and crafts style oak citrus planter (20), 25-40, 32, a BB profit for Sarky.
    Blues: Golf-themed shoehorn (small profit), Commemorative gold postage stamps (loss), Chrome-cased ship's clock (large loss).
    Gary's PP BB is a Bust of Homer not Simpson WMF inkwell (22), 25-40, 30 , a profit for Gary, after some of his recent catastrophes this must seem like an 800 pound profit.

    Auction2.jpg

    The Aftermath 2:
    Some interesting items, quite risky, so a small overall profit is a decent result for Sarky's Red lot. Gary's Blues (minus Nozzle Boy for the Auction) spunked their money and hopes on an overpriced ship's clock which sank like the Titanic. At least Gary's decent BB for once didn't compound their misery.

    RedWin2.jpeg BlueLoss2.jpeg

    The Hi-Kick 2:
    Standard indoor Kick. Strict Natasha almost does vertical splits, which will excite the usual suspects, Gary Peeeee puts in plenty of Shaw Bros spirit into his, whereas Sarky gives us the equivalent of Brewer's Droop. Red lady struggles but the other 2 contestants make par. A real mixed bag. However, Strict Natasha's on-camera gymnastics earn a Yes, YES!!

    HiKick.jpeg
     
  34. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    I really hate doing those double-ender episodes, it's alot of extra work as so much is crammed into an hour. However, I had some 6 out of 10 Marquis De Sade gags/references so I decided to run with it. It's not often you can spuriously link De Sade to BH.
     
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  35. reg_varney

    reg_varney Reservist

    LOL.
     

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