Bargain Hunt

LOL

 

BBC approved preamble:
Hele 1
Bargain Hunt Series 60
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0010s09
Charlie Ross is in Hele, near Exeter, with experts Caroline Hawley and John Cameron as the red and blue teams search for the best items to take to auction in Bristol. Charlie baffles shoppers in Tiverton with a mystery gadget invented by the Victorians that was once an everyday item.

The Translation:
It's creampie time for Charl-eh The Tool Fool Ross. Is the cream pumped in first, or do you apply butter as someone suggests in a Last Tango In Paris inspired moment. Today, it's Back to Hell with the Posh Idiot and what devilish delights will be served up today at the Devon Tat Bizarre. Perhaps Foghorn of Jericho Hawley will be suffering from Laryngitis so that our ears will only mildly bleed as she explains what a silver hallmark is, as she displays what can only be described as a Top Frock in Kraken fashion week. Maybe it will be Marine Boy finding a naughty nautical item that sinks to the depths of Davey Jones locker. Hopefully, the Auction will be without Daddy's little intern, Mumbling Mary. Thank eff for that, it isn't, that would be a mumbling kiss of death on all items. It's gavelling virgin Andy Stowe and his Auction Emporium that looks like it sits next to the local Spar convenience store, in the middle of a parade of shops, on a 1070s council estate.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charlie The Tool Ross
[Red Team Expert] Caroline Shrieky Blindus Hawley, premiering an item from her Maydayline, Maybe She's Born With It (the Hump and Bad Breath) Rosebud Prolapse Tartan.
[Blue Team Expert] John Marine Boy Cameron
[Auctioneer] Andy Flat Roof Emporium Stowe
[Auction Location] East Bristol Auctions Ltd, Hanham.
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Mixed sex partners, Analyst and she is a Social Worker
(Challenge: Art Nouveau)
[Blue Team] Married for 25 years, he's a business owner and she is some sort of manager
(Challenge: Art Deco)

The Shopping:
Reds: Pair of ceramic cats (25) OK, Art Nouveau silver and enamel pendant (95 Challenge) good (really), 1970s The Helios Planetarium (81) topend.
Blues: Art Deco dessert bowl set (20 Challenge) good good says The Tool, Large vintage vellum case (75) ouch, Windsor High Chair (33) OK.

The Distraction:
Charl-eh baffles shopper in Tiverton speaking in tongues and gesticulating to an object he's holding. Luckily, he has not got his purple pigeon out this time. Are you alright dear, asks a kindly woman when she sees him foaming at the mouth. Can you remember who you are, asks another as he starts jumping up and down, flapping his arms about, like a Kangaroo that thinks it can fly. Eventually, they guess the identity of the mystery item, it's actually a Victorian folding combined buttonhook and boot pull. It's far too exciting. Charl-eh halts, his head starts to spin, his eyes glaze over and he fills his man-nappy.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Pair of ceramic cats (small loss), Art Nouveau silver and enamel pendant (large profit), 1970s The Helios Planetarium (largish loss).
Foghorn's BB is an Art Nouveau WMF Lily card tray from earlier (80), 50-80, 55. Back to ground with a bump with a Foghorn failure.



Blues: Art Deco dessert bowl set (small profit), Large vintage vellum case (large loss), Windsor High Chair (small profit).
Marine Boy's BB is a Antique American Bubble glass ice bucket from earlier (30), 40-60, 60. Worth the gamble MB.



The Aftermath:
Very enthusiastic Auctioneer. Very optimistic. Even Foghorn's items are praised. Online only. Actually a decent Auction. From Foghorn fanfare to Foghorn failure. Foghorn's Blues make a promising profit on that pendant, then she drags them, like a demented Danny La Rue, into the Red with a lazy overpriced albeit stylish WMF tray. Marine Boys Blues fared better including a decent profit on the previously viewed ice bucket which was at a decent price. They were undone with a knackered vellum case which had large loss sticker stuck on the front of it.



The Hi-Kick:
Indoor Covid diagonal kick. Unfortunately, it's a close view of Hawley but an excellent head kicking duet from the Red Team. Yes, YES!!

​

 

Uncle Eric in the latest outfit from the dressing up box.

Hawley finds her torture kit.

Looks like she is wearing a full size pheasant on her head.

Scary Pelham puppets. Reminds me of Amicus Asylum film.

 

i

ha! yes

 

Foghorn hat borders on Squeakware

 

love that camera but fear it'll bomb

 

gripping auction.
Some canny buys

 

is Foghorn wearing PJs?

Jeez, imagine her in bed.
i can see her eating her mates post-coitus

 

What a chilling thought.

 

I bet even her vulva is deafening

 

"POUND (ME)! POUND (ME)!"

 

THWACK !!!!!!

 

Blinding in more ways than one.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Epsom 12
Bargain Hunt Series 56
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000j4cj
The reds and the blues are tracking down bargains at Epsom Downs racecourse in Surrey, with experts Caroline Hawley and Ochuko Ojiri on hand. Eric Knowles challenges the crowds to guess the function of an intriguing wooden object before the teams face profits and losses at the auction.

The Translation:
Uncle Eric is at the home of The Derby at Epsom Downs racecourse in Surrey. Jockeying for position with him are experts Caroline Hawley, dressed in another Terrible Tartan Terror tatfit, who looks like she may have stolen one of Danny The Squeak's hats, and Ochuko Commando Chuko Ojiri. Gavel bashing today is in Kent with Kier Starmer soundalike Nick Hall, in his specialist plaid attire, just like one of those middle-aged Americans who think they're Scottish.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, sausage gobbler
[Red Team Expert] Caroline Domestos Hawley, kills all known profits, Thwack, DEAD, premiering an exclusive from her Tinderloo Pebbledash range combined with Partridge Service Folk Horror Headgear. Yuk.
[Blue Team Expert] Ochuko Commando Chuko Ojiri, commando on top, let's hope he's not commando below
[Auctioneer] Nick Plaid All Over Hall
[Auction Location] Bentley's Auction Rooms, Cranbrook, Kent
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Couple who are athletes and who met as Guides at the Commonwealth Games, getting on the podium isn't the only thing they mount.
(Challenge: Trains)
[Blue Team] Retired couple who are into Campervanning. Let's hope their efforts don't break down in oily smoke.
(Challenge: Flying)

The Shopping:
Reds: Pair of boxed 9ct gold and pearl earrings (22) OK, Cast iron railway sign (8 Challenge) Bargain, Pair of Miner's lamps (100) might struggle.
Blues: Box of scientific weights (24) good, American Eagle bookends (29) good, Bell&Howell cine camera with tripod and case (170) big big ouch.

The Distraction:
It's mystery object time with Uncle Eric. I assume the distraction will be horse-based considering the racecourse, nope, it's about cigar pressing and tobacconalia. Well, there's only a finite amount you can do on nags and riding them in a big circle with dwarves. Uncle Eric searches the fair for a virgin's thigh for some cheroot rolling. Foghorn offers her services, Eric coughs, makes his excuses and exits stage left.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Pair of boxed 9ct gold and pearl earrings (good profit), Cast iron railway sign (good profit), Pair of Miner's lamps (big loss).
Foghorn's BB is a continental silver pocket watch (60), 30-50, 55. Another Stuka Dud. The Unlucky Squeak hat made sure there was no profit here.



Blues: Box of scientific weights (good profit), American Eagle bookends (nice profit), Bell&Howell cine camera with tripod and case (big loss).
Chuko's BB are 3 sets of leather gloves and stretchers (14), 25-45, 25. A profit, his nightime profit raid is successful. Must be the Blue Hat.



The Aftermath:
Decent Plaidy Auction, he's one of the better ones, but both teams big spends sank big time, particularly Blue Team's cine camera which was a reckless overspend. Reds make a small loss. The Hand of Hawley at work with the lamps and dud BB. All of Blue Teams items made decent profits bar the large tripoded disaster. Both teams let down by their big spends, panic vs heart over head. Lessons have been learned. Where have we heard that before.



The Hi-Kick:
Final indoor Kick. Uncle Eric delivers on time as usual while everyone else are a tad slow. The so-called former athletes are very disappointing. Yes, YES!!

​

 

I'm off to see my Mum and my Sister's family over Easter, so everyone have a good Easter break and I'll see you all next week.

 

*taps fingers*

when will our leader be back?!

feel like a christian days after the first easter... "Jeezy Chreezy's been away for days now...hope nothing's happened to him..."

 

And he has missed a cracker today.
Fit bluebird with classy blonde chignon. Turtlehead performing easter miracles. Vignette sensation. Tim Weeks w*nking over his toy collection and declaring that he was " hot for He-Man" in the 80s. Mmm. He-men, more like?

 

I'm back and I'll eventually catch-up with the missed episodes.. Meanwhile is The Bear now one of the experts. Will he dare show his tail to Dully.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Heanor 30
Bargain Hunt Series 58
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000wfr2
Heanor in Derbyshire is the location for today’s programme. Natasha Raskin Sharp is in charge, with experts Catherine Southon and Thomas Forrester helping the red and blue teams hunt for treasures. Natasha looks at the history of Derbyshire Blue John. As usual, the teams face profits and losses at the auction, but which team will come out on top?

The Translation:
Special catch-up cram/shove-it-all-in write up. Pre-credits has Strict Natasha in another desolate Antiques Centre, this time in Derbys, once again dressed up in her full Scottish Puritan gear. It's a Covid special, which is just as well as she's in a the mood for a brandin' and a burnin'. She's joined by Dully Southon as a randy tavern wench and Tubby Thomas as the local squire, fit to burst out of his jerkin, or is he a jerkin fit to burst? There'll be plenty of thigh slapping and gaffawing at Hanson's House of Hilarity as our host extracts as many groats as possible out of his remotely captive ensemble.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Strict Natasha Raskin Sharp, Glasgow Southside enforcer, see profit Jimmie or else.
[Red Team Expert] Catherine Randy Southon, super dull, super useless, super frustrated
[Blue Team Expert] Tubby Thomas Forrester, the plump schoolboy, bursting out like a ripe boil
[Auctioneer] Charles Manson Hanson, The Phineas T Barking of the Auction World, Bring on The Clown
[Auction Location] Hanson Auction House, Derbys
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Joiner and Support Worker couple.
(Challenge: North Of England)
[Blue Team] Married Major and Mayoress, well you'd expect them to be. Would be more amusing if she was a completely inappropriate mail order bride, but instead she's a right old harridan, which is what you would expect.
(Challenge: South Of England)

The Shopping:
Reds: Whitby jet memorial brooch (100 Challenge) ouch, Denby jug lamp base (30) good, Vintage Triang tricycle (44) OK.
Blues: Vietnam war military lighter (30) struggle, Poole Pottery vase (58 Challenge) good, Second World War Omega pocket watch (210) third degree arrrrrrrggghh ouch, another Tubby Bum-Bum.

The Distraction:
Strict Natasha fondles some Blue John. This fills her with lustful sin. She tries to calm down by watching Blue Peter but is distracted by Randy Southon flicking her bean to Peter Purves who along with John Noakes is having fun with sticky-backed plastic and an enormously long cardboard loo roll. Meanwhile, Shep goes mental chasing his own tail. This is enough to send Dully over the edge forcing Strict Natasha to dowse her with a cold bucket of water to dampen her ardour.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Whitby jet memorial brooch (big loss), Denby jug lamp base (small loss), Vintage Triang tricycle (largish loss).
Dully's BB is an Early 20th Century Anglo-Indian charger (35), 40-60, 18. Oh dear Dully thought she would double her money but it's yet again another Dully Dud.



Blues: Vietnam war military lighter (good profit), Poole Pottery vase (small loss), Second World War Omega pocket watch (big loss) another Tubby Bum-Bum, yup.
Tubby's 2 note BB is a 1930s treacle-glazed non-working clock (2), 40-60, 18. A profit, you couldn't really lose there Tubby.



The Aftermath:
Another weird Covid audience-less Hanson auction. He reminds me of a drunken Scottish tramp having a fight with himself. The Reds would have had more luck with selling Jet Black of The Stranglers for a 100 notes rather than that brooch. Another Dully 3-figure loss special. A real Dully Disasterclass. Strict Natasha says don't lose hope as the Blues (with Tubby) could lose more. Well the Blues only left Tubby 2 notes to squander after the massive overspend on the pocket watch. His clock makes a nice profit but at the end of the day it's another Tubby Loss. Dully and Tubby, 2 experts you don't want to be saddled with.



The Hi-Kick:
Indoor Covid diagonal. Strict Natasha gives us a text book Growler kick yet again in her Jason King outfit. The Blue Team and Tubby give decent kicks, while the Retired Reds and scary looking, in a Frank Booth way, Dully disappoint with below par token efforts. Yes, YES!! (for the Growler supreme).

​

 

Lordy, cover your ears and shield your eyes, it's Foghorn and Squeaky.

It'll be terrible but highly entertaining.

BOOOOOOOOO says Foghorn.

Blues have to find something related to Science. Squeak freak of nature fits the bill.

Dreadful set of ink bottles. The Squeak loves it.

Eeek eeek eeek.

Fussy Red Bird. Poor Red bloke. Fancy an early night. Nah, I don't like it.

Inspector Clouseau peaked hats.

WWII Bulgarian items. Was Bulgaria an Allied country?

A box for Resistance.

Squeak squeak northern squeak.

 

It's a varse not a vayse you idiot.

Dealer says 75 for the ink bottles. Saw them coming.

Squeak's Blues with a typical range of pure tat.

 

2-5 pounds for The Squeaks teapot.

Beardy Blackmore is very pessimistic. LOL.

Dutch auction LOL.

Ooof a disaster LOL.

The Squeak has found a watch with broken arms. Ho ho.

 

Mary Quant is dead, so lots of mini-skirts and hot pants on the news. Well done Mary we applaud you.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Cheshire 7
Bargain Hunt Series 58
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000sm5q
Eric Knowles hosts as the teams go bargain hunting at the Royal Cheshire Showground with experts Caroline Hawley and Danny Sebastian, before heading to Stockport for today’s auction. Eric heads to Knutsford’s penny farthing museum to learn about the appeal of the Victorian big wheel.

The Translation:
Lord help us. Poor Uncle Eric. His ears will need a de-waxing and his special shades will also need an airing as he he plays host to Foghorn and The Squeak at the Royal Cheshire Showground. Beardy Blackmore, with his dysfunctional plaid-lite wardrobe and his unmighty gavel will be attempting to extract brass from the Lancs skinflints online when they're not busy grooming or moaning about immigrants or Brexit.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, Steady Eddy
[Red Team Expert] Tartan Kraken Caroline Hawley, sporting her new jetstream chunder collection
[Blue Team Expert] Squeak squeak squeak Sebastian avec chapeau stupide et gilet shabbie
[Auctioneer] Tom Beardy Blackmore
[Auction Location] Maxwell's, Stockport, Rickets Central
(Miserlin Rating: Approved)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Mixed couple, Teacher and System Broker who met in a church.
(Challenge: Holds liquid)
[Blue Team] Mixed engaged couple, Mechanic and Sales Exec.
(Challenge: Science)

The Shopping:
Reds: Bulgarian WWII Red Cross First Aid bags with supplies (25) topend, Globe with wooden drinks cabinet (60 Challenge) struggle, Leather hat box (very rushed) (80) ouch.
Blues: Knackered electroplated teapot (12) 2-5 LOL, Pair of boxed drawing ink bottles (75) ouch, Radio switching equipment (115 Challenge) another ouch.

The Distraction:
Uncle Eric fiddles with a Pennyfarthing. He was hoping for a Boneshaker followed by a knee-trembler. Well he has to find some use for his old pump.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Bulgarian WWII Red Cross First Aid bags with supplies (evens stevens), Globe with wooden drinks cabinet (big profit), Leather hat box (very rushed) (loss).
Foghorn's BB is are a pair of 1796 London silver ladles (40), 50-80, 55. A decent item actually makes a decent profit for Jericho.



Blues: Knackered electroplated teapot (2 note loss), Pair of boxed drawing ink bottles (small profit), Radio switching equipment (big loss).
The Squeak's BB is a Gold and silver with enamel Fob watch in a case with broken arms (25), 60-100, 75. Like a stopped watch, but not one with broken arms, The Squeak makes a profit on his BB.



The Aftermath:
Poor Beardy auction. It's never great with him. Both The Squeak and Eyeburn make a profit on their BBs. All of the Blues Squeak items were the purest of tat. As sure as Night follows Day they make an overall loss. However, after making a big loss on the skip worthy Radio equipment, a cheap knackered handless fob watch makes the overall loss more bearable. Foghorn's Reds hit paydirt with the globe drinks cabinet. This along with her silver ladles means a rare 3-figure profit for Stuka. Poor Hubby John won't hear the last of it as it'll be ringing his ears forever like a bad case of Tinnitus. Hold on, that could be another nickname for Jericho.



The Hi-Kick:
Outdoor Covid diagonal on uneven grass. A decent effort from everyone. Yes, YES!!

​

 

staggered by that watch result.
was p*ssing myself over Squeak's admission that it didn't even work....but he had the last laugh. (or sqwark.)
**Wonderful** globe.
i was salivating over screen as though christina was on

 

Victoria Valentine nee Fritz is on BBC News Channel NOW. Pant, Pant.

 

redbird had nice hair. elements of early Dotrice about her.

Am i going senile or did Foghorn look quite fit today?

 

arrgh! am nowhere near a telly! oh, the humanity

 

that govt emergency mobile phone alert thing they are trialing later this month...they should use that to alert us whenever victoria appears on screen

 

omg! she has had a makeover. and it is wonderful!!

Happy siesta guaranteed today....

 

She has just said, "Remember you can get in touch with me anytime."

 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/live/bbcnews

You have about 2 hours grace here. Plenty of time to make yourself comfortable. She's on from 1430.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Eccleston 18
Bargain Hunt Series 64
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001ksmj
Danny Sebastian heads to Lancashire, where experts Izzie Balmer and Colin Young help the teams find the best items to sell at auction. Danny also visits the British Commercial Vehicle Museum in Leyland to see several vehicles of special significance.

The Translation:
Another Squeak Special. Dan Dan The Binman mangles the English Language while fulfilling the BBC's Diversity agenda. He's joined in his Lancs home county by Dizzie Izzie, who could well be dripping with honey, it's that time of year, and Rick Wakeman. As we're in this neck of the woods then I assume it'll be another dire Auction with Les Patterson attempting to make brass from the Lancs Lickpennies.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Danny Smoke Alarm Sebastapol Sebastian, glass shatters along with any hopes
[Red Team Expert] Dizzie Izzie Barmy Balmer, another member of The 93%, She enjoys a Ram.
[Blue Team Expert] Colin Rapido Young, non-Rick Wakeman variant
[Auctioneer] John Les Patterson Cook
[Auction Location] Gerrards Auction Rooms, Lytham St Annes, Lancs
(Miserlin Rating: Approved)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Retired Teacher friends, nuff said
(Challenge: Horses)
[Blue Team] Retired neighbours, (BBC box half-ticked). She looks like a dead Norma Bates. Norman, Norman!! Yes mother, I'll kill them all after the Auction!
(Challenge: Wheels)

The Shopping:
Reds: Cast-iron Peado entrapment sign (18) good, Horse onyx bookends (10 Challenge) good, Knackered skipware cartwheel (85.50) only up here are you allowed to split a quid, topend.
Blues: Tonka toy truck (29 Challenge) OK, G-plan teak table (21) OK, Nest of 4 cherrywood tables (75) good.

The Distraction:
The Binman, looking like the Candy Tangerine Man who's stuck his fingers in an electrical socket is off to the British Commercial Vehicle Museum in Leyland for a good old rummage in their bins. Some old coach seats or a rusty old bus emergency exit door could be working its way into his Midas-reversed hands just as we squeak.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Cast-iron Peado entrapment sign (largish profit), Horse onyx bookends (2 note profit), Knackered skipware cartwheel (50p loss LOL). They miss a GG by 50p. Ha ha.
Dizzie's BB is a Hadrill and Horstmann counterpoise lamp, yes a tatty desk lamp (90 choke) REJECTED, 40-60, 85. They rightly turn it down. A Dizzie disappointment. She'll have to dole out some of her honey to sweeten this.



Blues: Tonka toy truck (small loss), G-plan teak table (small profit), Nest of 4 cherrywood tables (75).
Rick's BB is an El Presidente Banana Republic Fascist Dictator Hat (20), 10-20, 20. He washes his face.



The Aftermath:
First off, there was some real OAP skinflinting going on with items of 0.5 of a note and some real cheap tat. The Squeak would obviously approve with this heap of rubbish. Next, it's Sir Les Slovenly Fire Sale. It's actually not too bad. The first 2 Red items are snapped up for profit and lo and behold the Danny the Carthorse's Cartwheel falls short by 50 p. LOL. No GG for the Golden Grubbers. Ho ho. The tightwads decided not to go with Dizzie's Desk Lamp, wise choice as it makes a small loss. They end up with a decent 2 figure profit which they want as pennies to hoard in a large glass jar. Norma Bates and neighbour end up with a slightly smaller profit thanks to the hardwood nest of tables making a good profit.. She'll give it to Norman for some embalming cream and a new drill for making some more peep holes into the ladies toilets.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor kick. Considering it's 2 teams of OAPs the kicks are of a decent standard putting some of their younger counterparts to shame. Yes, YES!!

​