Bargain Hunt

Tubby Thomas' Tat Mart really outdoing itself today (Sunday). Those blue ladies spent 53 quid and still lost money at his ********. 19 quid for a Georgian cabinet and it still lost 9 quid! ******* hell!

 

'Will you go to 45 madam?'

Don't be stupid Thomas. Nobody in your auction house has 45 quid.

 

It was on last October. Here is a repro of what was said then. As I keep on saying, the double helpings are a real pain in the jacksie. More than twice the amount of work. Have to combine pics as you are only allowed 10 per post.

BBC approved preamble:
Newbury
Bargain Hunt Series 49-52 (Extended Versions) Episode 8 of 15
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000jrxh
Eric Knowles leads today's proceedings from Newbury. Caroline Hawley and David Harper are the experts helping the reds and blues spend £300 on three items within an hour. Eric also finds out how Newbury was once home to the world’s largest peace camp.

The Translation:
Groan it's an edited double-ender. They really over-egg the military metaphors. Uncle Eric's drill seargeant voice is as convincing as Kabesele at Right Back. An extremely weak pre-credits sequence, think McWitch at her worst, as Uncle Eric pretends to be a drill seargeant for FogHorn and DayGlo before they start the episode proper at Newbury Showground. Tubby Thomas is the Auctioneer at Newbury Miser Moths Special Thrift Consevation Area. You have been warned.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, he loves a sausage
[Red Team Expert] Caroline Foghorn Hawley premiering an exclusive fron the Star of Asia Squit collection
[Blue Team Expert] Dayglo David Harper, the 'Boro' Bano
Auctioneer] Tubby Thomas Forrester nee Plant, the plump schoolboy, bursting with pride and an agreeable lunch
[Auction Location] SOS Newbury, Miser Manor
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)



The Teams 1:
[Red Team] Male friends (no, not like that) the 2 Rogers who met at Imperial when they joined the Operatic Society, one of them should really be called Hammerstein then, one's a Tenor and the other a Fiver, <drum roll, cymbal crash>
[Blue Team] Old school friends who met at an old school, they are Seagulls, will they swoop to victory?

The Shopping 1:
Reds: Nasty gilded ruby glass brass chandelier (40) one of a kind, yes it is, Good buy, Accordion (100), ouch overspend, Brass weights (75) ouch overspend.
Blues: 19th-century fleabitten chair (100) fine, Travel trunks (38) OK, Silver mounted desk calendar (25) OK.

The Auction 1:
Reds: Nasty gilded ruby glass brass chandelier (profit), Accordion (largish loss), Brass weights (loss).
Foghorn's BB is Birmingham 1920s silver cream jug (55), 30-50, snigger, 35, it bombs, silver Foghorn Dud.
Blues: 19th-century fleabitten chair (big loss), Travel trunks (loss), Silver mounted desk calendar (profit).
DayGlo's BB is a Hindu brass piece of skipware (50), 50-100, 40, it looked a dud and it was a dud.



The Aftermath 1:
Hawley guides them to a substantial loss and her BB failed too. What were they thinking paying a ton for that tired accordion. Dayglo was even worse for the Blues with a failed BB and the awful fleabiiten chair. Firewood. Newbury Auction Boooooooo.



The Hi-Kick:
Not shown. Booooooooooooo.

The Distraction:
Greenham Common stuff at the West Berks Museum. Uncle Eric feigns interest but he's really thinking about a plump juicy sausage, well it is close to lunchtime.



The Teams 2:
[Red Team] Mother & Mountain Man Son, he's laidback, almost comatose says Mum, she must have been a nightmare growing up
[Blue Team] Sisters, stereotypical twins, so in demand on the escorting circuit

The Shopping 2:
Reds: Wall hanging (90) OK, Sledge (50) topend, shame the Blues didn't buy it then it could've been Sister Sledge, Victorian hat box with hat (100) struggle.
Blues: Oak corner cabinet (19) profit all day long says Tubby, Brass stamp box (6) OK, Table lighter (28) topend.

The Auction 2:
Reds: Wall hanging (largish loss), Sledge (loss), Victorian hat box with hat (loss).
Foghorn's BB is a Pair of brass kettle stands (60), 80-120, 45, another Hawley Dud.
Blues: Oak corner cabinet (loss) profit all day long, no it isn't LOL, Brass stamp box (profit), Table lighter (small loss).
DayGlo's BB is a Hat box which they hate (30), 20-30, topend, 41, well it makes a profit. That's OK DayGlo.



The Aftermath 2:
Another dreadful performance from Foghorn Forlorn. Significant overall loss again. DayGlo better this time squeaking out a small profit. His team didn't gamble and spent very conservatively. Newbury is pretty awful mind, not helped by Tubby Thomas.



The Hi-Kick 2:
Standard indoor kick. All a bit rushed. Even Uncle Eric barely makes par. The Curse of Newbury.

 

tremendous tribute to Forlorn.
Full house clean sweep of uselessness.

 

The Alarm Bells ring and so do your ears when you draw her as your expert.

 

The Fool is in Narfark. Arrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Another lack of soul yet plenty of arseh0le antiques centre.

Steph and Raj. That's good.

That tea set isn't going to make much if anything.

Not for Sale. You can have it for 20 LOL.

 

Very amenable dealer

Baldy Treepants Jr

 

Treepants Jr. Underestimates.

Steph sold a pup with the ring.

Welcome to Norfolk.

Nice Derby bowl from Steph.

What a dreadful audience.

Awful.

Huge online bid for the ring.

Raj on form.

Online bids doing well, skinflints present won't be opening their wallets.

 

Absolute shocking auction. Losses all round. Skinflints about. Until....
That ring! What on earth made that take off so fast? Absolute stormer. Do you think bidders thought it was actually Aspreys of London cos of the box?

Then Raj's chess set just took off too.

Could not see that coming tbh. Amazing scenes.

Top, top, top bargain hunting at the end there.

 

Poor Steph. Really sold a pup with that faux diamond ring. The Blue numpties chose that over the garnet ring. Steph will have better days.

 

BBC approved preamble:
King's Lynn 24
Bargain Hunt Series 64
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001l5ml
Charlie Ross hosts today’s show from an antiques centre in King’s Lynn on the north Norfolk coast. Helping the red and blue teams to hopefully make a profit at auction are experts Raj Bisram and Stephanie Connell. Meanwhile, Charlie pays a visit to the International Aviation Academy in Norwich to see a student-built electric aeroplane.

The Translation:
More antiques centre shenanigans with the Fool's Tool Charl-eh. I always prefer a fair rather than the Supermarket Sweep style dash round the indoor shelves. Today his carers are Dr Evil and Our Steph. They'll hold his hand, speak slowly, and clearly, and give him endless cups of weak milky tea with Jaffa cakes at 11 am. Auction is with Ed Baldy Weeks, Treepants Jr. in the Norfolk Miser Belt aka Norfolk. Boo! Bring back Auntie Liz.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charlie The Tool Ross
[Red Team Expert] Raj Dr Evil Bisram
[Blue Team Expert] Stephanie Connell, the Cockermouth Cumbrian, the Auction-world state-educated trailblazer, poster girl for The 93%
[Auctioneer] Ed Taxil-Webber, Timpole's younger less hirsuite brother, Treepants Jr.
[Auction Location] Diss, Norfolk twinned with Datt in Germany
(Miserlin Rating] Unlisted



The Teams:
[Red Team] Married Company Directors zzzzzzzzzzzz
(Challenge: Find in a bedroom)
[Blue Team] Married BAME South Asian (BBC box ticked)
(Challenge: Find in a dining room)

The Shopping:
Reds: Bedside table lamp (20 Challenge) topend, Glass oil decanter and dish set (25) topend, Boxed Asprey garnet ring (80) OK.
Blues: Picquot ware tea and coffee set including tray (50 Challenge), 9ct gold sapphire dress ring (75), Whitefriars green glass vase (50).

The Distraction:
The Fool visits the International Aviation Academy in Norwich. Didn't know Norwich had an International Aviation Academy. Must be difficult to fly with 6-fingered webbed hands and a large slapped forehead. Well I suppose you still need crop spraying biplanes.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Bedside table lamp (loss), Glass oil decanter and dish set (loss), Boxed Asprey garnet ring (190 profit!!!).
Raj's BB is a Boxwood and ebony chess set (25), 50-70, 90. Raj scores a screamer.



Blues: Picquot ware tea and coffee set including tray (loss) topend, 9ct gold sapphire dress ring (largish loss) ouch, Whitefriars green glass vase (loss) topend.
Steph's BB is a Royal crown Derby bowl (35), 40-60, 20, skinflints ahoy. Should have made more.



The Aftermath:
No wonder everything was underestimated as the Norfolk misers were out in force. Dreadful Steptoesque sale. Steph had a bad day, not only were the misers out in force in the Auction room, she was sold a duff ring labelled as diamonds but turned out they were cubic zirconiums. Even her nice Derby bowl couldn't get the skinflints spending more than a twenty. So a large 2-figure loss for her Blue Team. The Reds looked like suffering the same fate as their first two items barely raised a tenner each and sank like a trace. However, paydirt was struck with the lovely garnet ring (270 bid 190 profit) which made an outstanding profit. Not content with that wedge, he found an excellent boxwood and ebony chess set which flew and made 65 note profit, meaning a large 200+ note profit. Superb Raj.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor kick. Generally pretty good, apart from Steph's little flick. Yes, YES!!

​

 

After loudly swearing at the BBC for postponing the planned BBC4 repeat of the beloved classic 'Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?' with bloody Snooker, I managed to find that the BBC Radio version is available at the Internet Archive. Enjoy. I know I will.

https://archive.org/details/WHTTLLR4

 

It's the lovely Roo. Wearing her Full of Eastern promise outfit. Coffee grinder mentioned.

Oh dear. Mother trying to act "young".

Dizzie dressed like a Dr Zhivago extra.

Some weak haggling from the Red-headed Blues.

Don't buy that clock.

345 quid down to 125 for a Georgian champagne flute. Gulp.

Blues refrain from looking up the dolls dresses.

Roo cranks, grinds, and plunges.

 

Roo mentions mincers. We haven't had one of those on for a while.

Chester silver (ting).

Cream Jug for @wfcmoog

Red young bird looks like an Indian mystic with that headwear.

Plaidy hates the batteryless Sunburst clock.

Reds look like Ricky Gervais and Nicola Krankie.

Colin Young in full Rick-Wakeman mode.

 

The clock was former skipware LOL.

Rapido Young indeed.

Miserable auction for the Reds.

Not a total Dizzie disaster with that nice BB.

Absent mother. Her youth serum has obviously melted her face.

Plaidy working his magic. GG sneaked by some decent gavelling by Rick.

Victorian modesty screen. Plaidy never really plays safe. Tight estimate.

The gamble doesn't come off. Good job she rejected.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Southwell 1
Bargain HuntSeries 62
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0018byw
Roo Irvine is at Southwell Racecourse, where experts Izzie Balmer and Nick Hall join the teams as they search for the best items to sell at auction. Roo enlists the help of the public to identify today’s mystery object.

The Translation:
What a pleasant surprise as the Delightful Roo Irvine, wearing a silk dress full of eastern promise, moves upstairs from being an expert to being today's presenter. Let's hope she still continues being an expert on other episodes too. Once again, we're back in Southwell/Southall racecourse in Notts with helpmates Dizzy Lizzie and Plaidy Nick Hall, the Keir Starmer stand-in. Hmmm, the Auction is with Rick Wakeman wannabe Colin Young in the Lincs franchise of Steptoe's Thrift Store.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Delightful Roo Irvine
[Red Team Expert] Izzie Lizzie Barmy Balmer
[Blue Team Expert] Nick Plaid All Over Hall
[Auctioneer] Colin Rapido Young, Rick Wakeman variant
[Auction Location] Golding Young & Mawer, Lincs
(Miserlin Rating: Approved)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Married couple, photographer and radio producer
(Challenge: Storage)
[Blue Team] Mother and daughter, Mother Shawwon, both wearing s0dd1ng "look at me" red hats. Daughter reminds me of chinless Goth burd out of This Is England.
(Challenge: Entertainment)

The Sartorial elegance of the Blue Team with expert Nick The Plaidster Hall.



The Shopping:
Reds: Georgian glass champagne flute (125) maybe not, 1930s enamelled RAF badge (55) maybe, travelling cologne bottles in case (45 Challenge) maybe.
Blues: Art Deco-style Dancer sculpture table lamp (23 Challenge) a bargain, Georgian silver cream jug (125) a chance, naff Sunburst battery clock without battery (25) Plaidy hates, might be OK.

The Distraction:
Mystery object. A marmalade slicer. Next episode, a barrel scraper. Gives Roo an opportunity to demonstrate her grinding on camera.



The Auction:
Reds: Georgian glass champagne flute (loss), 1930s enamelled RAF badge (small loss), travelling cologne bottles in case (loss). Oh dear.
Dizzy's BB is an Art Nouveau glass epergne (44), 30-50, 60, hooray a profit. Well done Dizzy Barmy.



Blues: Art Deco-style Dancer sculpture table lamp (profit), Georgian silver cream jug (profit), naff Sunburst battery clock without battery (one note profit), Golden Gavel by a squeak.
Plaidy's BB Victorian modestry screen (125), she rejects, big Plaidy gamble, 30-50, 65, Plaidy dud. No harm done.



The Aftermath:
Dizzie starts off dressed like a Dr Zhivago extra and ends up looking like she's been to a an all-night Syd Barrett era Pink Floyd gig. A real episode of opposing fortunes. Annoying Blues with Red hats get a golden gavel but with an expert loss, unusual for Plaidy, who guides his team to GG glory. Reds have the opposite Triple Crown of losses with an expert profit. A golden Gavel at the Lincoln Franchise of PennyPinchers is not to be sniffed at.



The Hi-Kick:
Indoor Covid diagonal kick. A real mixed bag. Roo manages 90 in heels, Plaidy does alright, Dizzy Lizzie barely par modestly blocking a Growler shot, Red woman does well (best of the lot) but Red bloke and Blue girl both need shooting. Yes, YES!!

 

Tomorrow, Priti Patel shows Uncle Eric how illegal immigrants can be turned into peat-free garden compost.

 

it's on That's TV every night too

 

titter:

Gives Roo an opportunity to demonstrate her grinding on camera.

but sadly, no coffee bean rubbing.

p.s. Dizzy filled those jeans very nicely & snugly.

 

Uncle Eric in the Bath with Raj and Steph.

Uncle Eric is going to demonstrate Spooning later.

Mad Outback Reds. Strewth.

Yankee Doodle Blues. Lovers of Freedom and mass slaughter with automatic weapons. Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. Good job!!!!!!!!

Steph wearing the green BH raincoat.

Thought that dealer was too ready to drop the price of the non-working carriage clock. LOL.

Both Teams are being far too sensible. What is going on!!

 

Raj says they've got the horn. Snigger.

Treepants Auction, so they will have a chance.

Teepants in full New Romantic mode.

So naive is a good thing to be.

 

I'm sure the dealers love naive punters.

Raj produces a double-ender that he describes as absolutely lovely.

Treepants creams himself. Ripper says mad Red Aussie bird. Perhaps she's spotted someone from the Met.

Formica disaster for Steph's Blues.

 

hats off to Raj for not reacting to repeated usage of 'mate' and 'ripper' from that ghastly colonial monster.
She looks a bit like a mid-70s heavy metaller.
Aussie Osborne?

 

Nick Rave

Biley Commode

Crazed-one Doner Van

 

good contest today!
Each item hard to predict. Weeks coaxing his best.
Thought the formica would do better. Must be v tatty.
Would have made lovely naff 1973 proletarian paired lot with yesterday's sunburst clock.

These americans are quite sweet, tbf.
umm, for imperialist ultracapitalist running dogs, that is.
(Clive might be watching.)

 

Surely the Port decanter label will make a profit. It doesn't. Bargain had.

 

Or very wobbly.

 

Priti Patel is gloved up and ready for Uncle Eric to demonstrate what a large illegal incursion entails. Better get the rubber ring out for later Eric.

"Do you Love me like you used to? Oh. Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring. La."

 

BBC approved preamble:
Bath 17
Bargain HuntSeries 57
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000pz46
Eric Knowles is in the saddle as the teams go bargain hunting at Bath racecourse with experts Stephanie Connell and Raj Bisram. Will the reds or the blues be first past the post at the auction with auctioneer Tim Weeks? Eric also finds out about the history of the humble spoon.

The Translation:
Uncle Eric is in historic Bath attending another glorified flea market. Talking of fleas, Bath will be swarming with American tourists like flies around a French toilet. He finds the easiest way to repel the unwelcome Septics is to shout the word Socialism, which wards off about 90% of them, the rest of them can be dealt with by getting them to eat Marmite on toast. They are only able to do this by slathering it on like Nutella, with the permanent removal of tastebuds, the expected consequence. Will their taste ever recover. Septics, taste, ha! Anyway, we've got 2 excellent experts in Our Steph and Dr Evil. It's the West Country so I wonder if it's Wessex Auction Rooms and Timpole Tudor. Yup it is. Good omens.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, as safe as houses
[Red Team Expert] Raj Dr Evil Bisram
[Blue Team Expert] Stephanie Connell, the Cockermouth Cumbrian, the Auction-world state-educated trailblazer, poster girl for The 93%
[Auctioneer] Timpole Tudor Wunderbar Weeks
[Auction Location] Wessex Auction Rooms, Chippenham
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Married Oz couple, strewth
(Challenge: Timekeeping)
[Blue Team] Septic Husband & wife, better get the Marmite out
(Challenge: Travel, "Travel is awesome YEAH!!!!!")

The Shopping:
Reds: Chester silver bon-bon dish (35) good start, Carriage horn (12) good buy, Oak-framed school wall clock (75 Challenge) might struggle.
Blues: Scratch built wooden train (29 Challenge) OK, Formica table and chairs (75) it has a chance, Victorian silver-topped perfume bottle (25) OK.

The Distraction:
Uncle Eric learns all about how to spoon someone or indeed something. He's shown round a crack den and it's collection of drug-caked heroin spoons. To round everything off, Uncle Eric does his "My Old Man's A Dustman" on the spoons wearing the Gor Blimey trousers he borrowed off Dayglo Dave.



The Auction:
Reds: Chester silver bon-bon dish (profit), Carriage horn (nice profit) Winkie W@nky Woo, GG?, Oak-framed school wall clock (loss), no Golden Gavel.
Raj's BB is a double-ended silver scent bottle (40), 40-60, solid buy, 80, excellent profit. Great buy Raj.



Blues: Scratch built wooden train (nice profit), Formica table and chairs (biggish loss), Victorian silver-topped perfume bottle (decent profit).
Steph's BB is a silver Port decanter label (39), 30-50, should be OK, 26, that's a surprise, those silver labels usually fly. Unlucky Steph.



The Aftermath:
Decentish auction, decent experts, decent items, and dare I say it, decentish teams. Shame that the Formica table wasn't fancied. On another day it would have made a profit. The Aussies win it and were not far off a Golden Gavel. More Strewth!!!!!



The Hi-Kick:
Outdoor Covid diagonal on grass. Decent effort, excellent coordination. Yes, YES!!

 

Must dig this out of the shed...

 

hmmm, she could be a younger trendier Steph an' all

 

Or Toni Halliday out of Curve

 

As a consequence of the Stalinist response to the extremely loud music being played to drown out the booing at the game, perhaps we should ask Caroline Hawley to come and guest Boo for us. The prospect of then seeing her fingered, in the comfort of the directors box by the powers that be, for security reasons might make the regime apologists see the error of their ways.

 

Red bloke looks like one of his wife's captive animals. Obviously a stranger to a brush and comb.

Tubby Parrotts some more bollox.

Tubby Golden Hind gamble?

Tubby suits that Gorilla seat.

 

An eclectic set of items for Reds.

Steph's Blues go for pots and glass.

Mark Ashley looking well shifty as usual.

Oh dear. Steph's Blues may be sunk by that pair of vases. Poor Steph again.

Take that hat off you're indoors!!!!

Let's see if Tubby wipes out their profits.

Tubby's crap table.