Bargain Hunt

sunday.

great desk. gimme gimme.

(and rather fruity Bluebird. gimme gimme.)

 

Is JP the worst expert? Got to be hasn't he?

 

Feel like Colin Wakeman got unlucky there. 50 quid for that desk was a steal. Even saucy Liz couldn't rouse her misers to bid more.

 

Jp is onto a winner by default here. Colin's desk disaster handing Pratt a victory.

 

absolute shocker on desk lot today.

 

i see the sweet gentle bluebird went for a yoke!
Bdsm dungeon material, surely?!
It's always the quiet ones...

 

Lusty Liz estimated it at 2-300!

I'm sorely tempted to jack my job in, buy a van, tour these awful auctions (Tubby Thomas, Luscious Liz, Folksy, snide bloke with a colourful Waiscoat with a nobbly stick for a gavel), buy a load of precious antiques for pennies and sell them at shows or online in the home counties to the Hanson giggling, wealthy housewives set.

 

Liz very happy and lively today. No trademark stern 1950s glasses at the valuation table either.
Perhaps she's had a good week on Tinder.

 

Quality item, good maker, proper antique. Our favourite prog fan wasn't happy, was he? 'Selling England By The Pound'...

 

"Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies?"

Charl-eh is a rugger bugger it seems.

It's a sex battle according to The Tool.

No, not the farking lamp!!

A bell table for those bell ends.

Price of the garden seat automatically drops from 65 to 45. That means 45 is still too high.

English Milkmaid's yoke. It's no joke. Why is an English one so desirable and say a Swedish one. Swedish milk maids conjure up all sorts of mental images. Burble.

 

JP trying to direct them to all sorts of tat. Luckily, Granny knows rubbish when she sees it.

Blue bird is a vegan. No chomping on meat or fish supper items for her then.

 

The Poles might claim the cream? (May cause pole to cream.)

 

Come to think of it, that 2014 churn could end up being sold on BH in about a decade...
One of the Eurovision-fan experts (Tubby? Mark?) would doubtless eagerly overpay for it.

 

Sadly, when I leave a note for my Polish milkman asking for 'two cartons of double top', this is never what's left on the doorstep. I blame Brexit.
I wonder whether - gulp - they milk each other when necessary?
Aleksandra certainly looks a bit full...

Blimey.

Time for a liedown and a milkshake.

(Which also could also be a caption speechbubble...)

 

snigger.

 

Skipware trunk for 20 quid. Squeak material.

Effing interior design items from the Rugby tools. In other words what you would have in a rugga bugga pub.

When Charlie said honourable Mr Pratt, I thought he said horrible.

Auntie Liz doing the Auction. Excellent.

Rick Wakeman's BB could sink 'em. All the monry.

 

She loves hooks and chains on that Yoke. Auntie Liz is a Cenobite. With that hook she will tear our souls apart.

Only JP Pratt could buy some card table brushes.

Auntie Liz "I shall drum it out of them, definitely, yes."

Yup that furniture sinks 'em just as we knew it wood.

 

"The bygone oak yoke, an oak yoke."

Granny has epitomised the look of disappointment.

The hand of JP is everywhere on these items.

Charl-eh sarcastically says:
"That's marvellous! Thanks to JP's extreme skill, your loss of £35 has been slashed to 33!"

 

BBC approved preamble:
Newmarket
Bargain HuntSeries 47-49 (Shortened Versions)
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000lqfc
Today’s show comes from an antiques fair at the home of horseracing, Newmarket racecourse. Charlie Ross is today’s adjudicator and experts Colin Young and Jonathan Pratt help the reds and blues jockey for position as they hope to romp home with a profit at today’s auction in Norfolk.

The Translation:
There's no time to parade around the paddock as it's a slim 'n trim episode from Newmarket racecourse so we're straight into the stalls with Old Nag Charl-eh, the old fool is probably only 1 race away from the vet's gun and a trip to the glue factory. He's joined by former Prog thoroughbred Rick Wakeman, with trimmed mane, evidently he's a 4-year old, but we're unaware of his actual mental age. They'll be joined by Sausage Jockey Filly JP Pratt who will probably fall under no pressure or run off the wrong way around the course, a gaffe free run will be most unlikely. Our starter today will be Auntie Liz who know doubt will pull Charl-eh up on his handicap, the old fool's dense noggin.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charlie The Tool Ross
[Red Team Expert] Colin Rapido Young, non-Rick Wakeman variant
[Blue Team Expert] Gently effeminate, gaffe prone Jonathan JP Pratt with his Tory boy sensibility
[Auctioneer] Elizabeth Talbot, sounds like and looks like a Jane Austen extra. Auntie Liz.
[Auction Location] TW Gaze, Diss, Norfolk twinned with Datt in Germany
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Father & Son, they along with Charl-eh enjoy the odd-shaped ball.
[Blue Team] Grandmother & Daughter, doing BH is on Granny's bucket list before she kicks it.

The Shopping:
Reds: Chinese porcelain gargen seat (40) OK, Horse collar (60) OK, Really knackered canvas car trunk (20) OK.
Blues: English Milkmaid's yoke (25) topend, Boxed silver fish servers (40) topend, Royal Crown Derby cruet set (20) topend.

The Distraction:
None, Stumpy the short-arsed variant episode.

The Auction:
Reds: Chinese porcelain gargen seat (nice profit), Horse collar (loss), Really knackered canvas car trunk (evens stevens).
Rick's BB is a Maple & Co Desk (180), 200-300, sells for 50, sh1te that's a bad one Colin. Time to grow your hair, add a beard, and hide as Rick Wakeman.



Blues: English Milkmaid's yoke (loss), Boxed silver fish servers (loss), Royal Crown Derby cruet set (evens stevens).
JPs BB is a pair of card table brushes (40), 20-30, 42, the boat is pushed out and a 2 note profit comes rushing back.



The Aftermath:
Rick Wakeman and JP, losses almost guaranteed. Auntie Liz is excellent as always squeezing what she can out of the tightfisted Norfolk audience. The Red Numpties had in their small heads that they were interior design guru's. A knackered, battered car trunk rescued from the municipal skip, even at 20 quid, won't make you a fortune. Stick to scrum shenanigans and drinking 12 pints of beer when severely concussed. Meanwhile Rick wins the Spunk-it-up-the-wall Cup for spending all the money on a piece of furniture that wasn't going to sell for big money. Schoolboy error. 3-figure loss, "Chumpione Chumpione Ole Ole Oh dear". Unsurprisingly JPs Blues made an overall loss with only his exciting card table brushes bringing in the princely profit of 2 s0ds. Granny Blue has perfected her disappointed look over many decades. Might be the reason she only has 1 granddaughte.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor kick. A real mixed bag. Even Blue Granny makes a better attempt than the Red team design idiots. Meanwhile JP is so late with his kick, everyone has departed and packed up when he reaches his zenith. Yes, YES!!

​

 

Not a bad episode all said and done. Two bad experts, the great Auntie Liz, a team of idiots who really think they are interior design experts, watching them come unstuck was amusing, and some card table brushes.

 

Surely, FBI (Farking Bloody Idiot) Special (Very) Agent Stale Cooper from Twit Speaks

How can someone who presents us with card table brushes be as bad as the idiot above.

 

Moog, I'm waiting for you.

 

Dizzie's an aspiring apiarist. Let's hope there's plenty of honey for everyone.

 

Danny Sebastian and the teams scour the antiques shops in Blackpool. I hope they've got their cleaning products lined up.

 

I didn't realise I was advertising Flash in the 70s.

 

Squeak squeak squeak!!!!!!!

Stop SHOUTING!!!!

Sir Les is on Auction again today.

Antique Centre woes.

Well you could munch on the tea leaves, don't necessarily need water.

Dizzie's jug is glowing.

Ho ho bird, plenty of those about down certain streets.

Cheap vase meets the challenge.

Gawdy gold porcelain.

More cheap china challenges.

Comode epitomises the sh1te items.

 

Oh no! It's dandy Danny, the rasta-romany.

What a chump.

 

Red work colleagues seeing to each other?

That's certainly a co-respondent style natty cap he's got on.

 

Red girl loves her gaudy gold.

 

So long as his Kock is made of gold.

She likes old mahogany.

Nice train clock for you Clive.

Nice bit of Charlotte Rhead.

You can't call Blackpool Rock food.

Something is definitely going on between the Reds. Server Sex.

Dizzie going to get a piece of (gl)ass.

You can't call Blackpool Rock food.

Squeak Squeak Rock Squeak Squeak.

Sir Lisping Les.

"What do ya think squeak"

 

Fascinating rock segment. Rock comes in Chicken korma flavour and chicken curry.

Plus it's made out of glucose and sugar.

Not sure there's a huge amount of detailed editing going on here.

 

Danny Essex. Rock on!

 

Unfamiliar auctioneer. Vaguely remember him getting some good bids, I think.

 

-9 sueak squeak.

 

Sir Les Patterson. Not great in the past.

"These Antique centres without sellers are so soulless. Couple that with a lisping Les Patterson Auctioneer who has the charisma of one of The Squeak's binned apple crates and you have a disaster waiting to happen. Everything made a loss bar the 2 BBs which made excellent profits, resulting to a small loss for the Reds and a small profit for the Blues."