Bargain Hunt

Dizzie, the Girl In Black today.

 

Dizzie auditions for The Mikado. Unfortunately, the lead part of W@nkie-Poo has already been taken, Squeak Squeak.

 

Subtitles for people who aren't able to hear at the pitch of dog whisltes

 

BBC approved preamble:
Blackpool 20
Bargain Hunt Series 64
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001k2vw
Danny Sebastian previews some of the amazing exhibits on display at Blackpool’s newest museum. The teams are shopping nearby in an antiques centre with the help of experts Izzie Balmer and Colin Young.

The Translation:
Back to Blackpool with Desperate Dan the Dustbin Dandy, on presenting duties this time, so none of his Cowpat Pie purchases, and another graduate from the Chinese School of English where plural terms aren't recognised. Joining for some knockabout fun are Minnie the Minx Dizzie Apiary, it's springtime so her honey pot could be overflowing, and Rick Wakeman hoping to sample some Prog Blackpool rock. Auctioneer is with Les Patterson so profits could be gobbled up and drooled down the shirt of low expectation.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Danny Smoke Alarm Sebastapol Sebastian, glass shatters along with any hopes.
[Red Team Expert] Dizzie Izzie Barmy Balmer, Do collars and cuffs match? Another member of The 93%, She enjoys a Ram.
[Blue Team Expert] Colin Rapido Young, non-Rick Wakeman variant.
[Auctioneer] John Les Patterson Cook.
[Auction Location] Lytham St Annes, Lancs.
(Miserlin Rating: Approved)

​

The Teams:
[Red Team] Easy on the eye Latino Mother and Self-aware Son
(Challenge: Connection to entertainment)
[Blue Team] Retired Brothers, 2 pub bores
(Challenge: Art Deco you find in the lounge)

The Shopping:
Reds: Franz porcelain dragonfly teapot (75) topend, Pair of Gilded Noritake vases (35) OK, Portable vintage record player (6 Challenge) bargain.
Blues: Art Deco coffee service (58 Challenge) topend, Continental Serving dish and cover (19) good, Famille noir Jardiniere (75) struggle.

The Distraction:
Squeaky trolley wheel visits Blackpool’s newest museum with it's so-called amazing exhibits on display. It's an entertainment museum with stuff from Charlie Cairoli, such as his toilet seat harp, making the Squeak look a Right Charlie. Tim Burton is a big fan of Blackpool. Yeah right, I bet he says that about everywhere. The Squeak was his inspiration for Beetlejuice, Foghorn for the Nightmare Before Christmas, and Edward Sh1tinhands was based on Tragicooper.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Franz porcelain dragonfly teapot (largish loss), Pair of Gilded Noritake vases (small loss), Portable vintage record player (good profit).
Dizzie's BB is a white metal tiger's eye small cat pendant (1), 10-20, 26. A superb find Dizzie.



Blues: Art Deco coffee service (largish loss), Continental Serving dish and cover (nice profit), Famille noir Jardiniere (loss).
Rick's BB is the Art Deco mirror lazy buy from earlier (75), 40-50, 40. A lazy dud.



The Aftermath:
Dreadful Auction. Les sat there like a Bored Bingo caller who's been on the opium pipe reading out the numbers that appeared on the screen. Awful. In fact the whole programme was very flat with The Squeak a-mumblin' and a-manglin' his way through the English Language with the charm of a Boxing Day unflushable turd. Both teams were heading for a loss before the BBs. Lazy Rick went for an item they were dithering about before, he didn't even bother getting more of a discount. It was well overpriced, it tanked, and they suffered a sizeable 2-figure loss. Dizzie found a lovely pendant costing a quid for hers and it promptly made an excellent 25 note profit. Excellent work from her and the Reds with the Latino MILF make a decent profit.



The Hi-Kick:
Conventional Indoor Kick. An excellent effort all round. Dizzie and Red MILF give us early Growler kicks, unfortunately the lighting isn't great, followed by Red idiot son blocking off the view. You Stupid Boy!! Yes, YES!!

​

 

That coupled with his mumbling and general mangled English, make even the small parts in normal vocal range unlistenable.

 

Splendid look for her.
post-breakup Jane Asher '66 after rifling through Marianne Faithfull's wardrobe

 

what idiot sells a working vintage TT for £6?

Danny plus Sir Les in Blackpool.

Does BH get any lower rent?

 

I sense many pub-bound years spent selling VHS porn out of black binbags.

But I like him too. His every tie will be pie-stained. Laptop covered in traces of police evidence room tape. Kitchen cupboard contents: several expired John West tins, an almost-empty bottle of congealing Daddy's, two slightly soiled copies of Fiesta, a pile of vodka miniatures.

 

Recipe for a good night in, to be fair.

 

LOL

 

It's Christina and Weeks. Shame it's not weeks of Christina. Tempered by JP and Tubby Thomas of Save Arseholes Newbury for the Auction.

It's taken me 24 hrs to recover from The Squeak yesterday with his a-mumblin', a-manglin', and a-squeakin'.

The shared girls green coat is in evidence again.

Blue bird is Prussia. Prussian Blue.

Over the top gay stereotyped Red Team.

Reds get JP, tick, get King challenge, cross.

 

A dish for sweet meats, minced meat perhaps?

Weeks loves The Studs.

The Reds are very, very camp.

They blew their strategy. JP faints.

 

If Weeks loses to Pratt today, he should shave his quiff.

Bargains were at a big premium today in the stingy shop

Lancaster bomber will bomb. Bin worthy piece of tat.

 

Would have been too obvious to give them a queens challenge.

 

Turn the stools over for JP.

Dirty laughs ahoy.

1 pound for those skip bound stools.

 

Blimey.
Gory feature; sexual violence warning.
Whole new meaning to 'giving head'.

 

The Bomber crashes.

Who's Gilbert Bond?

Tubby's Disasterous Auctioneering skills.

 

omg.
Christina in wet bare feet, with red-painted nails.
Alert the fetishist community!

 

The Green coat too. Double fetish delight.

 

£1 for an item sold ..... is that a record ? JP a bit unlucky with this one

 

tbf to jp, that was ridiculous on those stools.
They would grace any suburban French swingers' club bar.
(Wipe clean hard before use.)

 

Reg will be rifling through the archives.

 

The simple pleasures of presenting.

 

No, there are occasional "Clive" (the original asker of the question many moons ago), no sale items.

 

This one comes Noggin-direct.

 

For a glorious second, I thought Christina was going to anoint that holy pool with her own heavenly body.

 

OH LORD, FORGIVE ME, UUUUURRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

 

The thrilling waters of St Winefride’s Well.

 

Gratifying/exciting to see that Christina has "got little feet, like all good-hearted people". (Bart in The Simpsons, S1Ep12)

And someone needs to tell the Canon that that is not what is meant by "splashing with holy water".

 

Finally, it's time for the climax of the Hi-Kick.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Wrexham 25
Bargain Hunt Series 61
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0015pbz
Christina Trevanion is in Wrexham, where experts Jonathan Pratt and Tim Weeks guide the teams as they look for the best items to take to auction in Dudley. Also, Christina visits St Winefride’s Well to find out about its gruesome but fascinating history.

The Translation:
We're back in Wrexham in North Wales with loveliness personified, Queen of Sizzle, Christina stoking our I-wonder-lust. The feminine theme is continued with the distinctly non-masculine presence of superdrip JP Wonderbra Pratt and metrosexual Treepants Wunderbar Weeks. Oh Dear, the prospects for the Auction are not good as it's hosted by Tubby Thomas at SOS Dudley. Mayday our profits are in peril.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Sex bomb Christina Trevanion
[Red Team Expert] Jonathan JP Pratt, will he won't he stand as the new Tory party leader
[Blue Team Expert] Tim Timpole Tudor Wunderbar Weeks
[Auctioneer] Tubby Thomas Forrester nee Plant, the plump schoolboy
[Auction Location] SAS Dudley, Save Are Souls, should be SOS Dudley as profits will be in peril in this PennyPinchers Paradise.
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Married Male same sex couple who think they are Ninja's, well that's one way of describing it. No stereotypes here, oh no, none at all. The American sounding one (Farrell) is very, very camp. Yup they are pretty annoying. They also have a little Jack Russell dog. The cliches just keep on coming. We see a picture of their growler. Let's move on.
(Challenge: Made during the reign of a King)
[Blue Team] Another married couple, the female half of whom is called Prussia, is the Blue Team, Prussian Blue, aren't the Production Team creative ..... Not. Will they goosestep in unison?
(Challenge: Made during the reign of a Queen)

The Shopping:
Reds: 2 silver plated dogs (12), 1913 Birmingham silver basket (105 Challenge), Stained pine toolbox (34).
Blues: Set of 3 metal buckets (45 Challenge), Titanic labelled ring mirror (6), Scratch-built wooden Lancaster bomber model (75).

The Distraction:
The Distraction is St Winefride’s Well in Holywell, North Wales with its tales of violence and persecution. Sounds like the Holywell Estate in West Watford. There are miraculous bathing waters here, will she strip off her green coat, will she be kissing the Relic? Booooooo, we don't get to see Christina bathing in them, but we see her naked feet as she seductively dips her toe in the water. The foot fetishists rejoice.

​

The Auction:
Reds: 2 silver plated dogs (small profit), 1913 Birmingham silver basket (largish loss), Stained pine toolbox (loss).
JPs BB is a pair of tatty bar stools (40), 40-60, a loss incoming methinks, LOL, nobody wants them, but they are eventually sold for 1 GBP!! Mind, they are pretty sh1te. Tut-tut JP you are useless. The tat detector goes into overload.



Blues: Set of 3 metal buckets (largish loss), Titanic labelled ring mirror (decent profit), Scratch-built wooden Lancaster bomber model (large loss).
Weeks BB is an excellent set of 10 Gilbert 1965 James Bond Figures (65), 70-100, 30, bet the cheapskates will get them for 20 notes no doubt, almost, they go for 30, tightwads. Weeks et al. look suitably shocked as the Blues are presented with the spunked-it-up-the-wall cup. Round of applause for Tubby's inept gavelling.



The Aftermath:
What a dreadful Tubby Thomas Save Arse Souls Auction. Awful. He couldn't sell ice-cream during a heatwave. JP and the nice boys were bad enough with only the little doggies making a profit. His skip ready barstools had Tubby creaming over the vinyl seats but only just sold them for a solitary pound. LOL. Large 2-figure loss and you would expect the Blues to cruise to victory. Hilariously, they didn't. Weeks had a very bad day at the office with his usual, whatever I love will sell attitude, but he didn't factor-in Tubby's skills and his miserly online Auction audience. Apart from a token profit on the mirror all the other items made significant losses, particularly that bin-rescued Lancaster, which plunged and crashed in flames. Large 3-figure loss. Hang your quiff in shame Weeks.



The Hi-Kick:
Indoor Covid diagonal special. However, it's a really good one, plenty of obtuse angles. Prussian Blue lady gets a special award from almost doing the air splits. Perhaps it's all the jumping around she does being a musical theatre teacher. C'mon everybody. Yes. YES!!!

​

 

Prussian Blue Bird with a very impressive head kick. Hubby can't wait for later.

 

Blue bird must earn a place in the kick Hall of fame with that effort. Outstanding!

 

Outstanding indeed. Prussia displaying her Danzig Corridor.
Bet she likes a shiny helmet.

 

Any excuse to show Phallic Trophies and Awards.