Bargain Hunt

Time for a glazing!!

 

BBC approved preamble:
Brighton 20
Bargain Hunt Series 53
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0007flc
Today, antique experts Danny Sebastian and John Cameron guide our reds and blues on a bargain hunt around Brighton Racecourse Antiques Fair. But how will their items fare at auction in Bllingshurst? Meanwhile, presenter Charlie Ross relives the 1960s with a group of original Mods.

The Translation:
The latest BH is in Brighton for a dirty weekend. Unfortunately, it's with posh t1t Charlie Ross and his spit-roasting sidekicks, experts, Danny Sebastian, the squeaky Papa Lazarou, assigned to the Blue Team cousins, "You're my cousins now", and Dunn & Co shop-window dummy, Marine Boy Cameron. Danny the Squeak has ditched his Candy Tangerine Man outfit and returns with his trademark hat that'll have your eye out. Auctioneer Will Pasfield, who looks like he has been forcibly coerced, makes up the foursome.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Omnifool Charlie The Tool Ross, Now listen to me, Listen to me, Shoot Ross, Shoot the idiot NOW!.
[Red Team Expert] Danny Smoke Alarm Sebastapol Sebastian, glass shatters along with any hopes
[Blue Team Expert] John Marine Boy Cameron
[Auctioneer] Will Pasfield
[Auction Location] Bellmans' West Sussex Auction Roo, Billingshurst
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Buildings engineer father and Sports Coach son
(Challenge: Travel)
[Blue Team] Female cousins, Entertainer and upholsterer
(Challenge: Found on a Dinner Table)

The Shopping:
Reds: 18th century framed hand printed map York to Berwick (20 Challenge) topend, London 1909 silver sugar tongs (60) too rich, Royal Doulton Lambeth stoneware tankard (75) ouch, yesterday's antiques.
Blues: Lorgnette glasses (89) ouch, but it's not gold, Harrods silver-plated swing-handled pedicle bowl (12 Challenge) good, Victorian Wooden strong box (49) topend.

The Distraction:
As they're in Brighton, daft twit Charlie gives us a potted history of the Mods and the Rockers. He confesses to be a former Vespa-riding closet Mod to some ancient Paul Weller oldie look-alike original Mods and their motorised Zimmer frames. He had her on the back seat. Not much porking room there. Must have knackered the back wheel.

​

The Auction:
Reds: 18th century framed hand printed map York to Berwick (small loss), London 1909 silver sugar tongs (loss), Royal Doulton Lambeth stoneware tankard (largish loss).
Marine Boy's BB is a novelty fireman's helmet match striker especially for the helmet Reds (60), 80-120, 85. Good profit. Decent item. Who would have thought it.



Blues: Lorgnette glasses (large loss), Harrods silver-plated swing-handled pedicle bowl (small profit), Victorian Wooden strong box (decent profit).
Squeak's BB, what sh1te will he bestow on us, Bauhaus chair, 1960s Laura Ashley standard lamp, no, it's pine/beech/plywood corner cupboard tat for 15 notes, potential firewood rescued from the council municipal dump (15), 10-15 perhaps a famous no bid for Clive? Posh t1t Charlie hates it, so that's a plus, sold for 20 s0ds. Jesus it's made a profit!



The Aftermath:
Curate's Egg of an auction with some right tat. Both teams make overall losses and both have an item which makes a large loss which defines where they finish. Both experts make profits with their BBs with the Squeak's dreadful bin rescued rubbish actually squeaking a profit. MBs decent match striker makes a decent profit.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard outdoor kick. Decent all-round effort. The Squeakmeister shows off his paunch and his sweat-patched underarms, nice. Yes, YES!!

​

 

Those Topical Times cards from the 1930's are quite common. About three quid each is the going rate for them.

 

saturday unscheduled bonus!

Love that globe. 1920s, so all the proper names too.

 

woah, good result!
Colonialist Nostalgia Albion 1, Woke Bedwetters United 0

 

Dansettes at that price!

 

The Stars are out in Part 1: Bernhard Cribbins in the audience and Jeremy Irons in drag as one of the contestants.

 

hohoho, vg spot on 'Jeremy Irons'!
Or should that be Jeremy Iron?

 

Harridan to Muttley:

"And you paid £60 for those. £10 each. Who would buy them?" LOL

 

BBC approved preamble:
28/04/2020
Bargain Hunt Series 49-52 (Extended Versions) Episode 4 of 15
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000j3x3
Two teams of amateur collectors have an hour to acquire the best bargains.

The Translation:
As Linekergate rumbles on and threatens to bring down the Tory ****-sucking hierarchy of the BBC, the regular BH weekend standard repeat has been replaced with the disliked double-header extended edition, the equivalent of finding that the Treacle tart and custard you were hoping for has been replaced with semolina pudding. Anyway, there's minimal info for the preamble, so let's see what the double-header pegs us with. Oh fark it's stroke stricken Mrs Brown stand-in McWitch on a Surf Board just like an advert for Old Lice, her-her-her-her. We're somewhere in Cornwall. Wadebridge. Who's with her? Muttley and Treepants. Auctioneer, hopefully not The Undead Eldred, it's not it's Sideboards Sumner, not great but not Undead.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Anita McWitch Manning, the Voice of Alzheimer's
[Red Team Expert] [Red Team Expert] Philip Muttley Serrell avec scarf de tat/cravatte de crap et pull-over de moth
[Blue Team Expert] Timpole Tudor Wunderbar Weeks aka Spongehair Treepants
[Auctioneer] David Sideburns Sumner
[Auction Location] Ottery St Mary, East Devon
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)

​

The Teams 1:
[Red Team] Hard-working Sisters
[Blue Team] Boring IT Husband and horticultural haughty wife

The Shopping 1:
Reds: Upcycled coffee table (60) oof, Mannequin (25) topend, Wooden crate set (14) profit, profit.
Blues: Vintage pigeon basket (25) OK, Copper kitchen utensils (12) done well, Westclox Retro clock (24) OK.

The Auction 1:
Reds: Upcycled coffee table (largish loss), Mannequin (profit), Wooden crate set (profit).
Muttley's BB is a French wine pump, pure tat, awful (100), 30-50, 60. Yup, the definition of rubbish.
Blues: Vintage pigeon basket (small profit), Copper kitchen utensils (nice profit), Retro clock (small loss).
Treepants BB is a knackered cocktail bar (90), REJECTED 25-35, 75. It was awful and it sank. Pushing the on-trend bar a bit too far Weeks?

​

The Aftermath 1:
The Auction was very laissez-faire non-intervention type affair. Not great but not grim. Some real crap bought by Muttley's Reds including an old paraffin heater with a manhole cover on top fobbed-off as an upcycled coffee table and a metal tubed mannequin fit for scrap. His BB was dreadful and he obviously bought it because he's lazy, he doesn't care and was in a bad mood. A near 50 note loss was the result of his beligerence. On the other hand, the Blue Team sniffed out some bargains and only just missed out on a Golden Gavel. Treepants went a bit too far with his BB and the Blues rightily rejected his prime skipware. They squeak an overall profit.



The Hi-Kick:
Not shown. Booooooooooooo.

The Distraction:
McWitch goes to Fistral Beach in Newquay to bore us rigid about surfing. I can't think of anymore inappropriate to talk about this, like Muttley talking about high fashion or the Goggle-eyed transgressor showing us his special room with a special re-enactment of the nativity, or even Foghorn Hawley trying to whisper in a library.

​

The Teams 2:
[Red Team] Best retired female harridans
[Blue Team] Best mixed sex friends, budding Derek Ancona, I FEEL A PRESENCE!!!!!!

The Shopping 2:
Reds: 1920s Philips Globe (140) first degree burnt fingers, Travelling artist's easel (40) struggle, Victorian Birmingham silver cream jug (60) topend.
Blues: Stoneware advertising flagon (25) topend, Box of die-cast toy cars (25) profit profit, French World War I binoculars (35) topend.

The Auction 2:
Reds: 1920s Philips Globe (corking profit), Travelling artist's easel (loss), Victorian Birmingham silver cream jug (small profit).
Muttley's BB is a set of 6 19th Centure French wine bin labels, to end up straight in the bin, Muttley as red as a Pinot Noire grape (60), 20-30 ouch says sideburns LOL, 42. He jokes it could have been worse.
Blues: Stoneware advertising flagon (small loss), Box of die-cast toy cars (nice profit), French World War I binoculars (small loss).
Treepants BB is a pair of Dansette record players, he creams himself (100), 30-50 Sideboardy thinks he paid top whack, 48. They don't light any baby's fire.

​

The Aftermath 2:
Another laissez-faire Auction from a bored Auctioneer. I don't get Muttley, he buys random sh1te he doesn't really care about and doesn't think it'll make a profit. This happened on both parts today. Despite his best efforts to lose them their money the Reds make an overall profit. Typical Treepants showing with the Blues making an overall profit. However, quite unusually both his BBs tank each time wiping out the profits built up earlier.



The Hi-Kick 2:
Standard indoor kick. McWitch puts more effort wailing like a Banshee into the affirmative than in the non-existent kick. Blue bird Ancona and Weeks make par. Everyone else makes a really feeble effort. A disgrace.

​

 

Esso sign - good buy
Bus/tram badge - good buy
Gold leopard - ridiculous overspend, especially for the Welsh misers convention.

Worcester thing - gold buy
Cat/fox brooch - OK
Scent bottle - overspend.

 

Amazing win for JP over dour Welsh gavel wielding skinhead. 10 quid profit on his underrated jewellery taking his blues to an overall victory.

 

he looked as surprised by the victory as the rest of us.
when the host chirped " well done JP! " you could see it was a new sentence to his ears.

 

Alun the Barn Owl easily a better expert than JP Tory Boy.

It's Wales where even the women harmonise.

Uncle Eric says "Living the Dream" and "Excellente".

 

JP taking Creepy lessons from Dustbin Dan.

 

A floral decorated object with a maker's name - longest challenge name ever?

 

Effing excellent a boxed 1970s Sinclair calculator. YES!!!!!

JP looks like he about to have a dry sherry at his local Tory constituency luncheon.

 

Has the Auction House been on the Crack pipe. That's not a Fox brooch. It's a Cat brooch. It's bleedin' obvious.

 

Uncle Eric cliche alert!!!!!

"OK, swings and roundabouts, ladies. Swings and roundabouts. Roller-coaster!"

 

BBC approved preamble:
Carmarthen 32
Bargain Hunt Series 54
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0008csq
Eric Knowles starts the show at the British Bird of Prey Centre in the National Botanic Garden of Wales and asks the people of Carmarthenshire to help identify a mystery object. The red and blue teams go shopping with experts Ochuko Ojiri and Jonathan Pratt. Can they successfully complete Eric’s challenges and walk off with a profit at the auction in Cardiff?

The Translation:
We're back in Wales again, under the dome in the National Botanic Garden of Wales in Carmarthenshire, for Hi-Jynx with Uncle Eric, nice but boring Chuko, and conservative closet case JP. Unfortunately, it also means a trip to Cardiff at the heart of the Dour-Jones Index, at the Misery Misers Mansion of John Hartson sex doll Ben Rogers Jones who may crack a smile or smile from his crack.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, steady Eddie
[Red Team Expert] Ochuko Commando Chuko Ojiri, commando on top, let's hope he's not commando below
[Blue Team Expert] Gently effeminate, gaffe prone Jonathan JP Pratt with his Tory boy fashion style
[Auctioneer] Ben Misery Rogers Jones, John Hartson's waxwork
[Auction Location] Rogers Jones & Co Fine Art Auctioneers, Cardiff
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Brothers-in-Law, next door neighbours for 36 years, into inter-sister action
(Challenge: Welsh connection)
[Blue Team] Female friends, one is a BAME (BBC box ticked) South Asian pharmacist (stereotype ticked)
(Challenge: A floral decorated object with a maker's name)

The Shopping:
Reds: Esso fuel advertising enamelled sign (30) topend, Cardiff bus/tram conductor's badge (17 Challenge) good, 9ct gold gem-set leopard brooch (189) might struggle.
Blues: Royal Worcester trinket box (15 Challenge) good, Cat/Fox brooch (15) OK, Decorative silver-stoppered perfume bottle (minus stopper) (76) ouch.

The Distraction:
Uncle Eric asking some punters what a couple of small items were. It's so straightforward, they're a funky Japanese miniature cruet set, isn't it obvious.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Esso fuel advertising enamelled sign (small profit), Cardiff bus/tram conductor's badge (nice profit), 9ct gold gem-set leopard brooch (large loss).
Chuko's BB is a 1970s boxed Sinclair Oxford 300 calculator (excellent) (8), 10-15, 15. A profit on a classic piece of retro technology. Great stuff.



Blues: Royal Worcester trinket box (nice profit), Cat/Fox brooch (good profit) GG incoming?, Decorative silver-stoppered perfume bottle (minus stopper) (largish loss) nope.
JPs BB is a late 19th-century gold and pearl Art Nouveau style pendant on a nine-carat-gold chain (120), Rugless likes it but thinks it's a bit lightweight, like his auctions, so El Slappo undervalues it at 20-30 LOL, the spunked-it-up-the-wall cup is being duly engraved as we speak, but lo and behold there is a small bidding war and it sells for 130, 10 squid profit. I take it all back. LOL.



The Aftermath:
OK Auction for once in the Cardiff Misers Den. Chuko's Red were pootling along nicely when they spaffed almost 200 quid on a leopard brooch. It was nice but not at that price and it sank them without a trace. Chuko's BB is a thing of beauty to anyone who went to secondary school in the 70s, it's a superb working Sinclair Oxford 300 advanced scientific calculator still in its chuffing box, nice!!!! Combless was pleasantly surprised and vaguely cracks a smile, he says they've never sold one there before, it made a profit and somebody has got a bargain and an instant nostalgia piece. Deja vu with the Blues, undone by their big spend but not as disasterous as the Red Team. Blunder bust JP looked like he had produced another gaffe buy with the pendant, but fair play it made a tenner and they stumble over the line with a small overall profit. Time for everyone associated with the Blue Team to rush out and buy Lottery tickets.



The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor kick. In a cosy, cramped space, Uncle Eric shoots his bolt too early and too hard with everyone else following after him. Yes, YES!!

​

 

JP's pendant making a profit was a turn up for the books. Hoho.

 

The Dour-Jones Misery index was in full swing but he did almost crack a smile over the calculator. I wonder how many hairbrushes get undervalued in his Auction Rooms.

 

Arf arf. Very good.

 

Sebastian is a 1976 High pitched-language British historical film directed by Derek Jarman and Paul Humfress and written by Jarman, Humfress and James Whaley. It portrays the events of the life of Saint DogWhistle, including his iconic martyrdom by fruit crate/school bench crushing. The film, which was aimed at a daytime audience, was controversial for the skiperoticism portrayed between the feathered bowler wearers and for having dialogue entirely in Squeakin.

 

that calculator was a stunner. box intact too!
father had a 1974 white Sinclair Scientific. baffling to use. and wouldn't even spell out upside down BOOBS properly, despite costing a week's wages.

 

Squeak by the sea, Dizzie and Prog Rick.

 

Punk rock Rick LOL.

 

Those bloody non-dance moves. Bloody youth.

Squeak.Vinyl is coming back in. Squeak.

It's been back in for years you nonce.

 

Charlie Cairoli !!!!

Dizzie not a vinyl guru?

Les Pattinson just reads the screen and drools.

Shambles of an Auction.

Is he drunk or just slurs naturally.

 

Quite like this auctioneer. Down to earth and chirpy.

 

The actual auction is a bit flat though.

 

'You was at -28 pound'

For goodness sake Sebastian!

 

Red Mum is smoking.

What a find from Dizzie.

Squeaky is so flat and hopeless.

 

I picked that up too

 

He looked like he had taken a bottle of valium. Lancs car boot King.