The Reproachful Work Email Thread

On leave last week, return to an ‘all staff’ email advising that someone has been blocking the office toilets and could they please stop it. As we largely work from home, this was quite the feat. Someone must have trashed that bog in one catastrophic sitting.

Fridges are another cause of office tension. Lots of messages about fridge abuse over the years, albeit some justified.

So, do you receive or send office group scolding emails?

 

Who left that sauce mess in the microwave...again ? Who microwaved that smelly fish meal...again ? Why is the kettle empty whenever I want a coffee ? Whose dirty mug left by the kettle...again ? Why is there no paper in the printer....again ? Why is there no loo paper in the toilet....again ?
Ok, Ok Mrs TuT, I get it, you want me to stop working from home....

 

I once sent an email to all male members of staff after my morning **** was delayed as I had to scrub the toilet which had been pebble dashed by the previous occupant. It was too filthy to even **** in.

 

Not mine but the Mrs had one the other day to the whole company about people leaving their dirty plates on the side for the cleaner.

 

Is it possible that a woman, in need of a toilet to pebble-dash, would sneak into the mens loos to avoid suspicion, to throw off the scent so to speak?

Or do you suspect you know who the fella with sprinkler attachment up his arse is?

 

That’s going to be very hard to beat Skyla.

 

I genuinely had no idea, but the office was impressed by the use of synonyms I used in my tirade. None of the ladies in that office would have gone into the mens' to deploy that blunderbus of scat.

 

Liked for those last 3 words.

 

Sawn off shotgun of shyte. Carpet bombing of blapp etc

 

Well, guess I picked the wrong thread to peruse while eating my lunch...

 

Subway "Blunderbus of meatball" baguette ?

 

Blunderbuss.

 

No emails, but I did once spend a morning camped outside the loos to find out who the office skidmark pebbledasher was.

In my career I've worked in probably 5 offices with a decent number of staff. Each one had at least a singular basin splatterer. It appears to be some sort of enforced quota.

 

We’ve left the EU so this shouldn’t be happening.

 

You remind me that there was a fella I worked with a long time ago who had a reputation for it. He would spend ages in the loos and if you used a nearby cubicle it would sound like he was wallpapering his while attempting to wrestle a pig.

 

Many years ago while I was at college, I worked a part time job in a John Lewis Warehouse. All the men got called to a meeting one day, because somebody had been routinely shitting on top of toilet the seats. I guess you could say at least they didn’t leave the seat up.

 

Guess I picked the wrong thread to peruse while eating my mid afternoon snack. Some people never learn

 

Mate of mine's wife cr*ps once a week and leaves a log the size of a marrow in the pan so he tells me. Takes another week to flush the thing away.

 

I worked in an office where someone - or something - would regularly deposit 'King Kong's finger. The office building's plumbing was no match for it. Some of us organised a' look out rota' in an attempt to unmask the culprit but the phantom logger was never found.

 

I had a similar issue 2 jobs ago. HR reported to me and we were certain someone was coming up to the exec floor and deliberately blocking and then dumping in one of the toilets on the exec floor. I wanted to use the door pass card data to work out who was entering the floor before and then exiting after the crime was committed. CSI style.
HR refused to permit due to data protection issues.
I was bloody furious.
Not that I EVER need to use the cubicles at work.

 

Think you were close to finding the culprit...

 

HR was near me on our top floor. We were certain it was an engineer from the 2nd floor. Difficult lot who forced union membership on us, which backfired spectacularly for them ... another story.

 

Did you intend to start this post with "2 jobs ago"?

If so, well played

 

No, ....and sorry - were you having dinner ?

 

Not for long

 

They never are . They’re like turd Santa Claus who climbs up he toilet pipe rather than the chimney to leave his bag of gifts .

 

Love how this thread was meant to be about emails but it’s now exclusively about turd terrorists.

 

A long time ago, when email was first being rolled out to staff where I then worked, I got a terse email telling me to get on email. Which I discovered several weeks later when I finally logged on.

 

The work **** is a thing of beauty. You're being paid to leave them a message of what you think of them.

 

Doesn't TUT work for himself?

 

When I say ‘logged on’ I mean that in the IT sense . Worth pointing out given the way this thread has gone.