C'mon, keep them coming Two Scousers riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. "R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".
Very good.....my turn One night in a local Liverpool pub, a huge scouser was sitting at the bar slowly getting pissed. He was 6 feet 8 inches tall and weighed at least 400 pounds. A little later a short, skinny, obviously gay man walks in and sits next to him. After having a few drinks the gay man sidles over to the huge scouser and whispers in his ear, "Do you want a blow job?" At this, the giant scouser jumps off his chair, punches the guy in the face breaking his nose, grabbes him by the feet and throws him out into the car park where he finishes him off with bone crunching kicks to the head. He leaves him on the floor and goes back into the bar. Amazed, the bartender brought the huge scouser a beer and said, "I have never seen you like that before. You are normally such a gentle man. Just what did he say to you anyway?" "Not sure," replied the scouser, "It was something about a job!"
I could get quite offended you know.................... Anyway, Liverpool sign the hottest property in world football, a young Iraqi lad who starts his first training session on the monday morning, after a good work out he decides to ring home, he tells his mum everything went well and is settling in nicely, 'Well its nice to know one of the family is ok' says his mum, 'Why whats happened mum'? 'Whats happened! Your brothers been killed your sister has been raped and your father has been shot' 'Good grief , i'm really sorry to hear that mum' 'Sorry!! Its you who brought us to Anfield in the first place.' Boom tish I theenk youu!!;D
No offence intended Roadend An Italian, a Frenchman and a Scouser are discussing their relative performance in bed. The Italian says - "When I've a finshed a makin da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy" The Frenchman replies - "Zat is nossing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy" The Scouser says - "Dat's nothin, when I've finished shaggin me bird, I get out of bed, walk over to da winda and wipe my **** clean on da curtains. She hits the ****in roof !!!"
sung to the tune, "You Are My Sunshine" You are a scouser, An ugly scouser, You're only happy, on giro day, your mum's out thieving, your dad's drug-dealing, so please dont take, my hubcaps, away.
Stolen from WML. A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on > Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her > first day, explains to her class that she is a > Liverpool fan. > > She asks her students to raise their hands if they, > too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises > their hand except one little girl. > > The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: > "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" > > Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied. > > The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not > a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?" > > "I'm a Watford fan, and proud of it," Mary > replied. > > The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are > you a Watford fan?" > > "Because my mum and dad are from West Watford, and my > mum is a Watford fan and my dad is a Watford fan, so > I'm a Watford fan too!" > > "Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's > no reason for you to be a Watford fan. You don't have > to be just like your parents all of the time. What if > your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug > addict and car thief, what would you be then?" > > > > "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
There's this: http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2004/i_scouse_mum-p1.php and this: http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2002/scouse_office-p1.php and this: http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2003/scouse_kb-p1.php and this: http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2002/i_scousers_react-p1.php and this: http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2002/liverpool-p1.php
I'm full of cold, cancelled what would have been a good business lunch and depressed by the league table but these brought a heroic smile to my face
Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool? Because if it walked it would be mugged. Man walks into a shop in Liverpool: Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife? Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you? What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi? A burglar. What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut. What do you call a scouser in a suit? The accused. If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bike. What do you say to a Scouser with a job? Big Mac please. What's long, scouse, and goes around corners? The Dole queue. Why is the Anfield Stadium Grass so green? Because every week Liverpool put millions of pounds worth of sh!t on it. What do you call a Scouse woman in a white shell-suit? The bride The best for last Q: What do you call a Scouse woman who has had 6 abortions ? A: Crime Prevention officer
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team sacked its entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds, even with millions of Euros worth of high tech equipment. Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds. But, within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for a dozen bottles of Stella, a kilo of cannabis and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
