About time we had a few up here, I shall begin... A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"
1.Three men went to hell. The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3" He then opened the doors to the three rooms. Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor. Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor. Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in **** up to their knees and drinking coffee. The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee. They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads 2.A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well That's just great... some asshole's got my pen." 3.A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please" The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here" The mushroom says "Why not I'm a Fungi 4.Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day? A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette. 5.Q. Why dont blind men skydive? A. Because it scares the sh*t out of the dog 6.An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides." 7.q)What did one magnet say to the other? a)I find you very attractive 8.q)Why was the cross-eyed teacher sacked from her job? a)she couldnt control her pupils 9.The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor... "Sh*t!" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the town hall hahaha
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
1) A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." 2) Man: Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said. Doctor: When did you first notice this problem? Man: What problem? 3) Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do? Teacher: no, of course not. Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the Appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need To enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for The shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the Computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious To his wife what he was keying in. "P....E....N....I....S.." His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*****
I was happy. My girlfriend, and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. "The moral of this story is:" "Always keep your condoms in your car." ;D ;D
Car Park Scam CAR PARK SCAM This happened to a mate of mine at a local supermarket and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking, East European women come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. My mate had his wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday and again on Saturday. ;D ;D
Two rats in a sewer, one says to the other I'm really fed up I am, sh1t for my dinner, sh1t for my breakfast, sh1t for my tea and sh1t for my supper! The other one says 'Oh shut up moaning, we're going on the p1ss tomorrow.
My wife didn't like the car I bought her, she wanted something that went 0-140 in 6 seconds. So I bought her some scales.
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started ******* on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ****in' ass."
bloke goes to the doctors... 'What can I do for you' ? asks the doc. 'Sorry Doc, but I'm constipated' 'Ok, what does your diet consist of '? 'Snooker Balls' 'Snooker Balls'?? 'Yes, I have two reds and a yellow for breakfast, two reds and a blue for lunch, and three reds, a pink and a black for tea' 'Ah, there's your problem.Your not eating enough greens'. BOOM TISH, I Thaaannk yoouu!;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in this article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: “ The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all things you‘ve stated”. So I looked around the house to see all things I started and hadn’t finished… and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey’s Kahlua and Wild Turkey, The Prozac , some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolate. You have no idea how freakin’ good I feel. You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.
