What Made Me Larf Today

Back with some more, the last two are excellent.

 

Cricket horror and I don't mean the latest Ashes series.



Description: A cricket team are dismissed by a moustachioed serial killer with a razor sharp cricket glove and an arsenal of sharpened stumps. One by one the killer exacts revenge for the torment he endured 20 years earlier.

 

Damn, you could have warned me! I wasn't holding on when he threw on the afterburners....

 

Local councils are taking child safety seriously - this warning sign in Nuneaton.

 

Saw this on that Dubai documentary on BBC, it’s incredible how cringe and low budget that is in comparison to their glossy adds with Zac Effron and Jessica Alba in at the moment. Makes you wonnder what they were thinking at the time, it’s not like they’re short of cash.

 

Thanks to brexit, alcohol can now be sold in imperial measures, such as a Suitcase of Wine.

 

Alternative Scouting for Girls and Boys Merit Badges

 

This is being sold as a Valentine's Day card .........

 

Barry Cryer made me laugh.

RIP.

 

So you should have the decency to make him his own thread you lazy so and so.

 

Too ******* busy at work, alas.

 

I presume they had no idea who Douglas was!

 

ISIHAC legend. Very sad news

 

*Very sad swanny whistle noise*

 

Amazing career really. Has been involved in much of the comedy background through our lives.

Some very funny clips and lines in the obits on TV. BBC News had a clip of him singing a blues at the Fringe, I’ll tell you something, (Music - da der da da) I’ve got no short term memory and I’ll tell you something else, I’ve got no short term memory.

And a comment to a friend before his death, It could be any time now. I don’t so much as dare by a green banana.

RIP.

 

Some great jokes doing the rounds on social media.

NB Buy.

A man walks into a pub and the landlord's astonished. Half of the man's head is half of a huge orange.

'So sorry to be nosy,' the landlord says, 'but why is half of your head half of a huge orange?'

'Well, I was cleaning up the loft,' the man says. 'And I found an old lamp. I polished it up, and a genie came swooping out of it, saying, "May I grant you any three wishes, master?"'

'So I said, "I'd like to have a million pounds – and every time I take the million pounds out of my pocket, another million appears there."'

The genie said, 'Your wish is granted. And your second wish?'

The man says, 'I'd like a big house with 100 beautiful ladies in it.'

'Your wish is granted,' says the genie. 'And your third wish?'

'I'd like half my head to be half of a huge orange.'

 

One of my favourites from Baz...
A couple are walking along when the lady thinks she recognises the Archbishop of Canterbury on the other side of the road.
"I'm sure that's the Archbishop of Canterbury," she says.
"it looks like him," her husband agrees.
"go over and ask him if he is the Archbishop," she says.
Her husband crosses the street and approaches the man.
"excuse me but are you the Archbishop of Canterbury?" he asks.
"f**k off," replies the man and, a little taken aback, the husband walks back to his wife.
"what did he say? Is he the Archbishop of Canterbury?"
"he told me to f**k off," says the husband.
"oh dear... Now we'll never know"

 

"Bring me the Epitaph of Alfredo Garcia"

 

So, so funny.

 

I've always loved (a version) of this joke. Utter nonsense.

 

Full movie:


Trailer here:

 

Choked on my drink.

 

The first load of anonymous reviews for the film "The In Between":

 

https://www.lbc.co.uk/news/dog-walker-pinned-in-dog-poo-ex-military-victim/

Dog walker pinned down in dog mess by ex-military passer-by 'after refusing to pick it up'

A dog walker who refused to pick up his dog's poo and then allegedly became violent was pinned down in his pet's mess by a former serviceman with an "extensive military background".

The suspect became aggressive after being challenged for not picking up his dog's poo in Alcester, Warwickshire, allegedly throwing punches at the man.

Officers from the Warwickshire Rural Crime Team said the suspect reportedly swung a plank of wood at the victim and a loose paving slab, instead of apologising and picking up the mess.

Police said the victim came out of the incident unharmed, but "understandably bored of dodging and repeatedly disarming his attacker" he used reasonable force to restrain the suspect.

The victim - who had an extensive military background and a "rather impressive skill set" - restrained the attacker on the floor, pinning him down in the mess he had allegedly refused to clear up.

The suspect managed to escape before being chased down by police after "turning into a garden fence face first".

The Warwickshire Rural Crime Team added: "This gentleman was able to reflect on this altogether unfortunate incident in a police cell after a hot shower and will no doubt continue to reflect until he attends court for assault and offences under the dog (fouling of land) act."

 

Love this!!!!

 

I didn't realise the Shoutbox had a live video feed these days.

 

f8k nooz m8 the clooz in the st8ment "...Leigh Francis... making people laugh..."