Bargain Hunt

She doesn't give up trying.

 

BBC approved preamble:
Hemswell 10
Series 68
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001yc2k
Two teams hunt for bargains at Hemswell antiques centre under the guidance of experts Catherine Southon and Mark Stacey. Bargain Hunt time travels back to the 1970s. Eric Knowles meets a Lincolnshire lady, Simone Radley, who’s turned the clock back 50 years and scoured the internet and antiques fairs for hip and funky finds from the dazzling disco decade to completely refurbish her house. Over at Hemswell antiques centre, the reds and blues are hoping their items will make groovy profits when they take them up the road at North Hykeham to auctioneer Colin Young. Expert Catherine Southon is guiding the reds, musical friends Ivor and Joe, as they’re challenged to find an item from the 1970s or 1980s, whilst the blues, friends Luke and Ellis with expert Mark Stacey, are tasked with buying an item from the 1950s or 1960s.

The Translation:
All's well that Hemswell in this Bad Pun special which will have the Red Tops clinking their glasses and definitely not hacking the phones, oh no, who would ever think of doing that, in drunken appreciation. Do The Press, Police and Acting Professions still drink like fishes? Headlining this puntastic fun will be Uncle Eric who Knowles a thing or 2 about pots and sausages for that matter. Joining him will be the the literally alliterative Sarky Marky Stacey Wakey, the slurry somnambulist, and Randy Pantsdown, her chaotic underwear is always in a Paddy, as in about as bone dry as a Paddy Field. Catherine hopes that Patrick Field is the name of a potential young Buck for her to guide and advise i.e. Kiss, Paw, and Maul which sounds like the Auction Rooms we will end up in with Dirty Leeds supporting, Bidder The Hutt offspring producing, Prog Patter Keyboard King Gaveller Rick Wakeyoung.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, supreme sausage scoffer
[Red Team Expert] Catherine Southon, super posh, super dull, super randy
[Blue Team Expert] Sarky Marky The Welsh Wit Stacey, he has been known to enjoy a pansy
[Auctioneer] Colin Rick Wakeman Young, Your Clutter Our Future, Their Gutter You Loser.
[Auction Location] Golding Young & Mawer, Lincs
[Miserlin Rating] Approved

​

The Teams:
[Red Team] Professional singer Ivor and Performer Joe musical friends, if you wind them up they'll play Beethoven's Ode to Joy in that cheap, tinny, Casio synth way or should that be Binatone. They are camper than camp coffee. Alan Partridge would endlessly play his Camp David Mince gag.
(Challenge: From the 1970s or 1980s)
[Blue Team] Technical Sales Manager Luke and Company Director Ellis non-musical friends , if you wind them up they'll play My Old Man's A Dustman on comb with paper and spoons, Sheffield stainless steel naturally.
(Challenge: From the 1950s or 1960s)

The Shopping:
Reds: Novelty pineapple cocktail stick holder (40 Challenge) ouch, Beswick Old English sheepdog (damaged in transit) (75) 60 insurance, Terracotta Pierrot bust (75 Challenge) ooof.
Blues: 1940s Monopoly board game (13) fine, Danish Nest of teak tables (95 Challenge) a little bit of pain, 19th Century French metronome (40) topend.

The Distraction:
Bargain Hunt time travels back to the 1970s. Eric Knowles meets a Lincolnshire lady, Simone Radley, who’s turned the clock back 50 years and scoured the internet and antiques fairs for hip and funky finds from the dazzling disco decade to completely refurbish her house. Ugh, sounds truly hideous. After being dazzled by the bright orange, you'll be bludgeoned by the 20 shades of brown, fawn, taupe, ochre, tan, beige, burnt umber, burnt sienna, caramel, camel, autumn tints, and classic dog turd brown (with a hint of white if it's been on the Chappie with chalk). Are there any other shades? Welcome to 70s decor. If people need to do further research than head over to The Sweeney on ITV4, You Slaaaaaagggggg!!!!

​

The Auction:
Reds: Novelty pineapple cocktail stick holder (Evens stevens), Beswick Old English sheepdog (damaged in transit) (15 loss), Terracotta Pierrot bust (5 profit).
Gropey's BB is a Novelty cast-iron Blackpool Tower money box (30), 25-40, 42. 12 note profit for Gropey's tourist shop antique.

​

Blues: 1940s Monopoly board game (2 profit), Danish Nest of teak tables (60 loss), 19th Century French metronome (10 loss).
Sarky's BB is an Art Deco silver plated horseshoe hanging clock (110), 80-120 in with a chance, 60. Large 50 loss. Oh dear Sarky.

​

The Aftermath:
Eric has access to The Fast Show's Channel 9 dressing up box. Terrible Gripe, Young, and Moan Auction with it's Purgatorial Living Dead inhabitants. I suppose Rick Wakeman always undervalues his items as he knows the skinflints won't buy them at the regular sale price. So a Dutch Disaster Auction is expected, and it didn't buck the trend. Awful Antiques Centre where 1 pound discounts are the order of the day. Any more and you'll need to speak directly to the dealer on the phone who have put their devices in Faraday cages for the duration of the programme. Sarky's Blues, good job he didn't get the Reds, the camp-ometer would have exploded and nothing would have got done, are very standard military medium pace, to use a cricketing analogy, were on first. Oh Blue disaster then or is it a Red's Wokesfuher Blitzkrieg victory? Small profit on their Monopoly set followed by a big loss on their big spend Scandi Nest of Tables, seen them do better elsewhere, and another loss on the almost panic buy metronome. Is Sarky coming to the rescue on his limp charger. It's another horseshoe hanging clock, quite nice, but he's paid 110 notes for it. Colin for once things it's in the middle of his estimate. Well they were both wrong and it ticked off a big loss. They end on a poor 118 GBP loss. Which is not unusual for this place. Catherine is told she's getting a pair of male band members, she goes weak at the knees at the prospect of getting 2 strapping rockers, and it turns out to be that ultimate socks as an Xmas present style disappointment, when she discovers that it's a pair of, ambiguous at best, 80s synth boys who are more overflowing hair product rather than overflowing testosterone. Catherine dries up faster than an oasis in a especially hot Saharan summer. Naturally she dislikes the items they buy so any profits are a moral victory for them. They're on second so something must really fly and make an enormous profit. Like Catherine hanging hopefully round the backdoor entrance of the local rugby club, we wait with enormous anticipation. First up is that very camp pineapple cocktail stick holder, it wipes it's face, we wait, the damaged in transit (AGAIN!!) Beswick dog makes a loss, we wait, the Pierrot bust that Grabby hates, small profit, we wait, Catherine's BB of Blackpool Tower money box, surely a hidden gem, an ultra-rare item, 100s of pounds worth of profit, except it's only a 12 pound profit. They end on a 2 pound overall profit. Yes, that enormous sum. All that expectation, all for nothing. Why didn't they just have the teams in their natural order. Bizarre. Anyway, it was an entertaining episode, some Sarky witticisms, a very gaudy 70s style distraction from a living breathing Tatoos-R-us walking advert, and Catherine's sulky flouncing.

​

The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor kick. Everyone hits par and then Blue Company Director, not the one who looks like Peter Sutcliffe, produces probably the highest lick in the whole history of Christendom, perhaps even the Universe. He should be given a medal. Catherine looks on forlornly. Yes, YES!!

​

 

BBC Faux pas aler!!!!!

From the blurb surrounding Monday's programme:
Wrexham auctioneer Matthew Tongue is on the rostrum.

Perhaps he's anticipating valuations with the lovely Roo.

 

Sensational kick. Even The Rockettes would be impressed.

What was Catherine wearing? Dullsville. It was 1970s theme day, luv, not 1870s.

 

moulin rouge beckons for bluebloke when he transitions

 

Catherine does love to get her hands on a massive erection.

 

Phew!! Saucy poster.



Bathroom bliss complete with Imperial Leather



Nice to see that 70s style Ercol coffee table there being put to very good use.



To be read while expertly licking the marshmallow out of a Tunnocks Tea Cakes.

 

Bargain Hunt Series 69 Moulin Rouge Sex I mean Six, 6, has a certain Je ne sais quoi to it.

 

enjoyed the coffeetable magazine layout

'Cockade'!

(Live Aid for the impotent?)

 

I see Really have not followed the Beeb and Savile'd Manson Hanson: he is Roadtripping with Southon as I type.
Hmm. Wonder if she likes it rough, I ask non-prejudicially.

 

1. Really applying the "innocent til proven guilty" principle rather than "no smoke without fire" then.
2. Heard she likes it anyway it come - answering non-prejudicially, and in a non-slanderous, only repeating what I've heard, no-smoke without fire kind of way. (would it be un-gentlemanly to comment that its a rather more slimline Catherine on that road-trip?) mind you, it was first shown in 2017.

 

Speaking of jugfillers, I see Roo is presenting today.
And speaking of uses of 'allegedly', I see Carloss is an 'expert'.

 

Roo with Muttley and Cooper. Trilly is the Distraction today. Matthew Tongue (sic) will be hoping to rim the buyers to felch out maximum profits.

That pre-credits bit was put together in about 5 secs by the look of it.

One of the Reds looks like an extra out of William Friedkin's Cruising.

 

Are Roo and Trilly going to show us the much requested boxes?

Roo like the fast racer rather than the slow tractor.

More Caligula spunk bowls.

Trilly's Dad was an Auctioneer.

Her grandfather wan an RAF Squadron Leader. Can't say I'm surprised.

Nice compass button.

Different types of screwing discussed.

Off you go says Carloss likes he's talking to a 2 year old.

Muttley Mugs to the camera.

Blue Bird has the shiniest ever face.

A dressing gowned Roo with her shag-me hair.

It's doable she says. Yes, you are.

 

Is that a trace of grey in Roo's hairline?!
And Phil's on a stick.
"Age shall wither them after all"

Cool compasses!!

 

Nice bit of selfawareness from Carloss there (cf "... says he!" )

Self-assured Redlad uses word 'rationale', and correctly.
Oooh, get her.

Toothy Bluebird is Torville 'n' Rantzen.
With elements of Liz Goddard and Please Sir guest star Jill Kerman.

Unpleasant 'fingers as pistols' routine from Reds. Too reminiscent of rubbing c*cks. This is BH, not a Friedkin film.

 

King Henry, born ready, gives the Reds the royal seal of approval.

Auction in a freezer again.

Not looking hopeful.

The slightly dismissed sharpener flies.

Pull out your cue and stick that on the end.

 

Say Pounds Roo. POUNDS

 

This auction, I like her not.

 

Blue guy is pure evil. Just look at him!

 

Every daytrip teacher's dream...


Doubly so when she was in this...

 

but who was the fittest bird in the series?
(my choice: https://img2.bdbphotos.com/images/orig/e/2/e24tg7b2tnan42ga.jpg?djet1p5k)


some cracking/amusing items today
skandi silver great.

Shocking final result!

 

what the hell are you old perverts reminiscing about now?

 

I fear you may be right. Take your pick from the assorted evildoers.

 

Ah, the lovely Jill Kerman. Please Sir, may I be excused for a long toilet break.

I do believe Jack Smethurst is the Coach Driver in the Please Sir cinema outing. Another one of those 70s sitcom spin-off films that I remember seeing during the summer holidays.

 

Blue Bird definitely has that Jill Kerman vibe.

 

The Cream of Youth gather at the local Soup Kitchen or should that be Cream of Soup Kitchen. This is where the Action is at.



This old dear has got the Noble Art of bidding in your sleep well and truly sorted, while her friend behind has perfected the art of bidding through your scarf.

 

Didn't realise it was Junior Bez on the Red Team.

 

It's going to be Stormy Ride to the End.

 

Roo View Mirror.

 

Muttley Mugs To The Camera.

 

Just a nice pic.

 

I think she loves that Scandi Bracelet.