Bargain Hunt

Pouffe or pooooof?

Steph fondling a truncheon.

100 notes. They'll have to fall down the stairs to get that.

 

Overspend on everything today. Profits at a premium. Is it saucy Liz wielding the gavel?

 

"What do Policemen put in their sandwiches ?"

"Truncheon Meat !"

 

Thar scent bottle at the end for the reds - that's a decent buy.

 

White metal. The sweet smell of success?

 

Joseph Goebbels pottery dog for 16 notes is probably fine.

I'm hoping it's Auntie Liz.

Elgar composed a football song but I don't think the Wolves numpties know who he is or that he wrote a terrace anthem.

Just confirmed by Uncle Eric.

And L*T*n Towns call to prayer.

Watford boys we are here. Shag your women, drink your beer.

 

Boo not Auntie Liz.

Tim Weeks after a drastic haircut.

Tight audience. need Auntie Liz's charm.

 

Sorry, i heard her say 'silver topped scent bottle' on the phone. Didn't realise she was being stupid. Still should be OK

Truncheon is a disaster waiting to happen

 

Sofas in the sale room. That's a ref flag.

 

That dispenser will sell for peanuts

 

Did not see that coming. Someone somewhere is really sick of shaking their peanuts out of a packet

 

Gg!?!?!

**** me! That's incredible!!!!

 

Golden gavel from only 17 quid profit.

Granny REJECTS, that's why she only has one granddaughter.

Pompey style Dutch auction.

C'mon Steph BB.

Treepants Jnr underestimates again.

Steph has a stinker today.

 

I'm gonna guess that Steph had a hangover. She just didn't seem to give a stuff today. That vase and that truncheon were both guaranteed losses. I don't need to be a truncheon expert to know that.

 

She even lost her usual tact.
Told those calorie-stuffed Blue hippos they "were like kids in a sweetshop." .
Yes, why change the evident habits of a lifetime...

 

BBC approved preamble:
Norwich 21
Bargain Hunt Series 64
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001hk3g
Eric Knowles heads to Norwich for today's episode. Experts Raj Bisram and Stephanie Connell are on hand to help the teams as they compete to make the most profit at auction. Eric visits Norwich City Football Club to discover the history behind football chanting.

The Translation:
Uncle Eric is in a Norwhich Antique Centre where he hopes he can slather some tasty mustard over his Lancs sausage. He's joined by fellow mustardphiles Hot English Our Steph and Brown French Dr Evil. Lets the 2 teams are as keen as the proverbial. Luckily, we won't have to put up with Jericho Hawley and her Mustard Gas tartan. Let's just hope the auctioneer can cut the mustard. It's in Diss, Norfolk but it's not with Auntie Liz, but with Treepole Week's younger, less hairy sibling, exact line unknown as this is Norfolk.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, as safe as houses, he does love slipping his sausage into Coleman's
[Red Team Expert] Raj Dr Evil Bisram
[Blue Team Expert] Stephanie Connell, the Cockermouth Cumbrian, the Auction-world state-educated trailblazer, poster girl for The 93%
[Auctioneer] Ed Taxil-Webber, Timpole's younger less hirsute brother, Treepants Jr.
[Auction Location] Diss, Norfolk twinned with Datt in Germany
(Miserlin Rating: Unlisted)



The Teams:
[Red Team] Fusspot Grandmother and Granddaughter.
(Challenge: Storage)
[Blue Team] Mother and Daughter. The latter is into all things doggy.
(Challenge: Embossed or decorated)

The Shopping:
Reds: Studio pottery vase (17) good, Dutch peanut dispenser (75 Challenge) topend, Silver (white metal) topped glass scent bottle (26) topend.
Blues: Worcester vase, repaired (110) struggle, Joseph Goebbels pottery dog (16 Challenge) good, Commemorative Police trucheon (100) struggle.

The Distraction:
Uncle Eric visits Naarrrchh City Football Club to discover the history behind football chanting. In other words the web-handed forehead slap grunting mustardfarians only rivalled by Stomach Cramp Town's call for Imodium. I'm sure Uncle Eric will look forward to meeting the Captain Birds-Eye twins and discover that in-breeding isn't a desirable quality.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Studio pottery vase (small profit), Dutch peanut dispenser (small profit), Silver (white metal) topped glass scent bottle (small profit). Golden gavel from only 17 quid profit.
Raj's BB is a another glass scent bottle (45), Granny REJECTS, 40-60, 38, small loss. A bit of duff buy there Raj.

​

Blues: Worcester vase, repaired (big loss), Joseph Goebbels pottery dog (small profit), Commemorative Police trucheon (large loss).
Steph's BB is a 9ct gold, amethyst and pearl ring, slightly damaged (70), 50-60, 30. Another loss Steph.



The Aftermath:
Was hoping that the Diss in Norfolk Auction was going to be marshalled by Auntie Liz, but instead we got bald Treepant's younger brother. Despite uber fussy Red Granny, Raj's Red Team get a Golden Gavel with only a 17 quid overall profit. They rightly rejected his overspent BBs. Well Steph had a stinker today. Large 3-figure loss. Very unusual, probably just had a bad day at the office. In fact 2 normally rock-steady eddy BB experts both made losses today. The Norfolk effect?



The Hi-Kick:
Conventional indoor kick. Decent kick from everyone with excellent coordination. Uncle Eric and Blue daughter's head kick should be mentioned in Dispatches for their excellent efforts.

​

 

Guildford 24
Bargain Hunt Series 63

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, as safe as houses, he does love a sausage and a Porridgey load
[Red Team Expert] Raj Dr Evil Bisram
[Blue Team Expert] Stephanie Connell, the Cockermouth Cumbrian, the Auction-world state-educated trailblazer, poster girl for The 93%, Go Steph
[Auctioneer] John Marine Boy Cameron
[Auction Location] Oh-No Southsea, Southsea, Oh-No
(Miserlin Rating: One Star)



This time it was Steph's Blues with a small profit and Raj's Reds with a huge 3-figure loss.

It does look like 181 is the record for overall loss. Now, jointly held by Raj and Steph. Funny old world.

 

I only started watching it during the pandemic, just catching the end before the lunchtime news, and gradually I would watch a little bit more each time, before becoming hooked, just like a full blown drug dependence. Basically, it's just like a big pantomime with its heroes and villains all served up with a huge hunk of cheese.

Yes, it's a little trademark thing to mark the end of the programme and to show how lazy or frail the contestants are. Tutting is reserved for anyone, contestant, expert or presenter who doesn't make par, the 90 degree kick. Also coordination is important among the kickers. Special praise is given to anyone who achieves a headshot or beyond. @Clive_ofthe_Kremlin is a very demanding judge.

 

Same. It became a part of life during the pandemic. I had seen a few episodes in the past, back to the days with David The Duke ****inson and Tim Absolute Shower Wonacott, but never really got invested.

Now it's a lifestyle choice. I want to buy ****** old suitcases and make them into tables, or turn rusty old cattle feeders into planters, or pay 170 quid for a creaky anglepoise lamp.

I'm not so big on the kick. I think it was started by Wonacott as part of his attempt to stamp his brand on it.

 

Saturday Treat Time!!!!

What If ...... Jess Franco directed an episode of BH!!!!!???????

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesús_Franco

https://www.theguardian.com/film/2013/apr/04/jesus-franco-dies-82-unique-vision

Let's hope it would be an updated version of Christina, Princess of Eroticism aka Oswestry 69. The Auction would be at the newly unveiled Cockinmouth Auction Rooms, Cockermourth, Cumbria. The antique mirror being valued could be The Obscene Mirror named because it could go for a Hanson Obscene profit or a Muttley Obsecene Loss. Lots of handheld camera work, pretend slow-motion (actors moving in slow-motion while the background continues as normal), and his trademark zoom-in for close-ups. He would also be shooting material for at least 3 other projects at the same time. Later on they will celebrate in his own Imitable style with a Cocktail Special. Best not to drink the cocktail mind. Think White Russian ........



Proposed cast:
Brigitte Lahaie (who else would be gorgeous enough) as Steamstress Christina
Lina Romay as Our Steph, the proprietor of the Cockinmouth Auction Rooms
Klaus Kinski (available for 1 day's worth of shooting but you still base the whole film around his performance) as Stuka Hawley
Herbert Fux (included for the amusing surname) as Tubby Thomas
Jack Taylor (who will pretend to be missing an arm by having it hidden round the back of his pullover) as Muttley Serrell
Sir Christopher Lee (who will complain later that his shots of him overlooking an orgy where shot at a different time with him unaware as their true purpose) as Charles Hanson, The Bloody Judge.
Maria Rohm as Trilly Bliss, wearing her De Sade-inspired Mutton dressed as lamb ultra-tight evening attire
Caroline Munro as Roo Irvine
Anne Libert as Auntie Lizbert
Alice Arno as Strict Natasha
Soledad Miranda as Dizzie Izzie
Ajita Wilson (a famous black transsexual actress who one stuck a razor up their constructed front bottom) as The Squeak, who looks like he's been inserted up a traditional back bottom.
Dennis Price as Carloss Tragicooper, Penus In Ferred
Monica Swinn as JP Pratt
James Time Tunnel Darren as Marine Boy Cameron
Jack Palance as Plaidy Hall
Harold Vernon as Uncle Eric, Dr Orlof himself
Special Guest Star, Edith Massey as Dully Eggman Eggman Mr Eggman Southon
Special Guest Star, Divine as Sarky Marky

 

Anyone who doesn't know who the stunning Brigitte Lahaie circa 70/80s is, here she is:

 

Couple more Franco links for anyone interested:

https://www2.bfi.org.uk/news-opinion/sight-sound-magazine/comment/bradlands/mutant-mutations

https://www2.bfi.org.uk/news-opinio...omment/obituaries/jes-s-jess-franco-1930-2013

 

Christina wielding a fallic gavel today. It's gonna be intense.

 

Hanson with a 116 pound true folly. Absolute nutter.

 

Christina will spank him for that buy. Lucky Hanson

 

She looks stunning today.

 

Shocked that that jug made a profit.

They've gone with Hanson's folly!

Only lost 31. That was better than I, Christina or Eric expected

 

now hosts a daily national radio show over here as an agony aunt specialising in matters of the heart and bed; been doing so for 20 years, indeed

 

=== Lina Romay as Our Steph, the proprietor of the Cockinmouth Auction Rooms
Alice Arno as Strict Natasha

together in the fruity..



I bet she gets her five-a-day

 

Eric taking the pith at the start.

Blue male 'married couple'. BBC scheduling trendies baiting the CofE on a holy Sunday, after last week's knockback on gay weddings.

Eric asking Christina ('Princess of Eroticism') to place her hands on the table. Blimey. Was wondering where that was going for a minute. Thought he might bring out his gavel.

Rather sweet gay Bluebloke "huge DrWho fan". Says he has memorabilia at home. A fullsize Dalek, no doubt. Clean that plunger before touching.

Classic bit of blundering from Mad Manson Hanson today. Embarrassing.

 

I just googled her. Very accommodating to 3 young gentlemen in the clip I found. Very accommodating.

 

Yes, she was always happy to help anyone who wished to have a roll around la haie.



(I'll get me manteau...)

 

Two married couples. Let the bickering commence.

Red woman decides wearing a flowerpot on the head will be her fashion statement.

Uncle Eric doing his Don Estelle impression.

 

Red Bloke has smoker's teeth. Grim smile.

Blue team. Gay Dr Who-loving married couple. Ex-sperrrrmmminate. RIP Victor Lewis-Smith.

They're not into their toys but have a Dalek in the cellar. Sounds like a euphenism for a Skaro butt-plug.

They have to take the door off to get him out.

His bespectacled other half Mr Silence. Will come in useful when they have a threesome with the Dalek in the cellar.

They don't like spending much. They are tight-fisted. Snigger.