Things you hate III

So you smell as good as you look Princess Leia?

 

Fanta

 

Christmas....I hate it so much I barely know where to start, so in no order of hatred,

buying presents for people that they don't need. I love you all, I don't have to buy you a present to prove it
receiving presents I don't need. I know you love me, you show it all year, buying me a book, after shave etc makes no difference!
the ho ho ho of the whole thing, why can't I feel a bit 'down' without people calling me scrooge?
families.....no further explanation or detail required. Apart from.....why does my mother in law start fussing about Christmas in june and then when all has been arranged and organised throws a spanner in the works a week before.....every bloody year
work parties, enough said
the weather, as a wholly fabricated date and nothing to with the birth of Christ, at least stage the bloody thing when you have a chance of sitting in the garden with a glass of wine
I drive into the centre of Norwich every day, start work at 9, normal stuff. Why do xmas shoppers feel the need to be at the shops door at 9 and clog up the traffic for us poor sods that actually work around xmas?
boxing day football......when was the last time our bloody football team delivered a bit of seasonal cheer?
clients who owe me money and you know you have fluff all chance of collecting it around xmas time. sadly my staff and creditors still need paying, but please go ahead and blow what you owe me on useless presents,stupid jumpers and getting pished as often as you like, t'is the season of goodwill to all isn't it.

I bloody hate Christmas

 

Bah, humbug - but you have a point.

 

Liked because it made me chuckle and because you reminded me of the mad panic to finish jobs for the customer before Xmas.

I like Christmas though. New Years Eve, now, that is something I detest

 

Perfume adverts.

 

News coverage of the London Zoo fire. One Aardvark died, (think that's the first time I've had cause to type Aardvark), and 4 meerkats are missing.
If you're all so desperate about the animals then put them back into the ****ing wild.

 

Meerkats are going back home. Lack of advertising work due to Brex....oh never mind

 

Out of curiosity, exactly how much sex is too much sex?

 

Yep, they’ve really disappeared up their own fundament this year. The Miss Dior advert, absolute twaddle, wtf is that about?

 

Empty Xmas sentiment.

It's nice when someone who knows and likes you wishes you a merry Xmas, but people on LinkedIn, companies I've bought from online and strangers on social media don't need to pretend that they care whether I have a good 25th December or not.

Tiger sheds? I bought a shed from you 18 months ago and now your concerned about my seasonal spirit? Do one.

 

Merry Christmas Moog!

 

Home made mince pies.
Shop bought, the pastry is light, buttery, melt in your mouth and incidental to the filling. Home made it's, well just the complete opposite.

 

U2 m8

 

Saying Merry Christmas.... it's Happy Christmas ffs

 

I can assure you that after a couple of bottles of wine, a cognac and a couple of Bailey’s it’s been a very merry Christmas and my wife ain’t happy

 

When a car coming the other way kicks up a pebble that raps your windscreen and momentarily startles you.

I realise it's not really their fault it happened, but I still swear at them regardless.

 

Not so yummy mummies that walk chatting and holding coffee around Cassiobury Park with super expensive pushchairs three and four abreast, taking up all the available pathway. They yield for nobody, even kids and old ladies and never acknowledge anyone as they are so deep in superior gossip. Loads worse since the posh cafe, Daisy's opened.

And on a weekend you get paranoid city dad shooing away any dog (while looking daggers) that comes within 50 yards of their precious child, no matter how interested said precious child is in the cockerpoo.

 

Post office staff....... With a queue a mile long excruciatingly slow at dealing with the most basic of tasks and no sense of urgency at all
..

 

People who stop at roundabouts even though you can clearly see nobody is coming. There are about 8 roundabouts in my route to work and every now and then I get stuck behind somebody like this, it drives me absolutely insane.

 

..my wife does this - nightmare!

 

Hipster cafes that seem to have no remorse about charging £10 for a basic breakfast. Mushrooms and an egg on toast, tarted up with words like artisan and natural, served by some terd with an enormous beard and ironic charity shop clothes on random crockery and no change from a tenner.

Probably bought all the ingredients at Iceland for less than a quid.

 

Just looked up the price of a cinema ticket. £17 fecking quid and that's before you've mortgaged your house for the popcorn.
No wonder piracy is such an issue.

 

With avocado. Since when?

 

Which cinema is that? The only chain I know of that charges that much is Everyman.

 

Maybe it’s an age thing as I may have been guilty of this in my younger days.

Geeeeezzzerrrrs. The pretend alpha males among us. Not always young, they’re mostly middle aged. You’ve heard ‘em. They go out of the way to sound Lundun. They greet one another with ‘awight geez’ or ‘orrite my-sun’, a typical exchange goes something like: ‘watcher been up to?’ ‘Oh manic mate, manic’, ‘sound, so av I. I ain’t stopped’.
‘I see Smiffy the uvver day’, ‘yeah?’, ‘yeah, he’s seeing this rite sort’, ‘sweet’, ‘ya know that one down at the club?’, ‘ow yeah, wot ‘e’s doin’ ‘er?’, ‘done ‘er mate, done ‘er’, ‘Nice one’.

At some stage there’ll be a mention of how one of them has ‘ad enuff of that bird I’ve been seein’, told ‘er strate - end of’

All this is said loud enough to impress the other person and those within ear-shot. I assume it’s a boost to their tiny egos but there is no real conversation just a string of mispronounced phrases in a vain attempt to sound like ‘the man’.

 

None of that is as bad as white kids - especially middle class white kids - pretending to be black.

 

I suppose it’s a very similar condition but the kids might grow out of it. These oldies should have realised at their stage of life that they sound like insecure idiots.

 

Yes, OK. It’s the pretending to be a different ethnicity thing that gets me, though.

 

So it's wrong for black kids to speak with received pronunciation?

 

Hemel based?

 

'emel based.