Scrapes Wot Us 'Orns Have Got Ourselves Into

Discussion in 'Taylor's Tittle-Tattle - General Banter' started by KelsoOrn, Mar 29, 2018.

  1. KelsoOrn

    KelsoOrn Squad Player

    By popular demand (or rather at RookeryDad's insistence) I suppose it's about time to kick-off this thread.

    I'm sure that many of us have a number of anecdotes that we've collected down the years and maybe we've all related a number of them already elsewhere. But this would seem to be a suitable home for them all.

    RD is desparetely keen that I relate my Bolivia No.2 straight off. But I ain't gonna give him the benefit. That's crescendo stuff. So here's a relatively tame one to start with.

    In 2012 I had a brief (six month) flirtation with a half Glaswegian/half Canadian woman some 14 years my junior. She was only 4'10 1/2 inches tall. She hated it if I suggested she was 4'11. She also had the most amazing 32gg breasts. So sod the half inch here or there.

    Anyway, we went on a particularly filthy long-weekend to Milan in May of that year. And one day, as an alternative to shagging, we decided to drive around Lago Maggiore. We only got as far as Arono though. About 20km in. Where we had lunch. And then dinner. Mucho vino rossi and bianco was consumed and she had a caricature drawn.

    We'd passed a tattoo studio during the afternoon and when we were both entirely pissed at the end of the evening she insisted that she was gonna get Milano tatooed on her foot.

    I was still marginally compus-mentis so asked, "do you really want to go through with this baby". Answer Yep. That's my gal. I've always been attracted to a wee, buxom, mixed-race nutter.

    So, to this day, she carries Milano on the second toe of her right foot. And she claims that she's never regretted it.

    She runs a lovely cafe on the west coast of the Isle of Bute in Argyll. So, if you're passing, ask her to take her trainers off and check it out. Her name's Alex.
     
    iamofwfc likes this.
  2. Hornet4ever

    Hornet4ever WFC Forums Last Man Standing Winner 2018/2019

    I am sure Alex will be delighted that you posted about the intimate details your sex life, amongst other things providing the location where she works, on a public internet football forum, you must really care for her, or are an imbecile. I know which one I'm going for.
     
  3. GoingDown

    GoingDown "The Stability"

  4. KelsoOrn

    KelsoOrn Squad Player

    F.ckk off ****. Post a story. If you have one. It should be fairly clear that she don't give a ****. And neither do I. Effing ******..
     
    kVA likes this.
  5. KelsoOrn

    KelsoOrn Squad Player

    **** off you pathetic, insignificant **** ...
     
  6. Hornet4ever

    Hornet4ever WFC Forums Last Man Standing Winner 2018/2019

  7. KelsoOrn

    KelsoOrn Squad Player

    You pal are a ******* ******. A serious ****. Alex however was well able to look after herself. Which was part of the point. And still is. ******.
     
  8. KelsoOrn

    KelsoOrn Squad Player

    Popcorn ****.
     
  9. KelsoOrn

    KelsoOrn Squad Player

    ****. No stories ****. ******. Do one. Go on. **** off. Nothing to say. Waste of space ...
     
    La_tempesta_cielo_68 likes this.
  10. KelsoOrn

    KelsoOrn Squad Player

    You pal are a c.nt x
     
  11. KelsoOrn

    KelsoOrn Squad Player

     
  12. Arakel

    Arakel First Team

    This thread is going places.
     
    wfcmoog, Burnsy and Steve Leo Beleck like this.
  13. Hornet4ever

    Hornet4ever WFC Forums Last Man Standing Winner 2018/2019

    Firstly, don't call me pal. I hate that.

    Secondly, accept my apology, It wasn't my aim for you to get upset & react like this.

    However, I would book the earliest available appointment with your GP & I mean that sincerely.
     
  14. Maninblack

    Maninblack Reservist

    Agreed. Started in the gutter and now heading to a seedy backstreet for a bare knuckle brawl.

     
  15. luke_golden

    luke_golden Space Cadet

    Could a mod please merge all 7 of the abusive posts into one, please.
     
  16. Arakel

    Arakel First Team

    Oh, I don't know. It's quite fun to continue scrolling down not knowing if the next post is an expletive ridden tirade or not. T'would be a shame to deny us all that pleasure.
     
    miked2006 likes this.
  17. sydney_horn

    sydney_horn Squad Player

    I like playing "guess the expletives". From the different number of asterisks I think Kelso has got quite a range. Very challenging.
     
  18. fan

    fan slow toaster

    it's like godfather fell into a special brew factory after stubbing his toe
     
  19. Arakel

    Arakel First Team

    He stubbed his toe because he was shagging Sam Fox and Cindy Crawford at the same time and, when they started fighting over him, lost his balance and kicked the already comatose and satisfied Cheryl from Bucks Fizz.

    They were all rubbish.
     
    wfcmoog, Jumbolina and kVA like this.
  20. I have recently had to scrape a lot of snow off my car

    There weren't any 4 foot tall tatoo'd nymphomaniacs with enormous breasts involved unfortunately
     
  21. nascot

    nascot First Team

    For **** sake I've just had to try and explain to my wife why I was laughing. She thinks I'm weird.
     
    wfcmoog likes this.
  22. Relegation Certs

    Relegation Certs Squad Player

    I didn't realise 8 Ace posted here.
     
    Cthulhu likes this.
  23. Diamond

    Diamond First Team

  24. RookeryDad

    RookeryDad Squad Player

    Look, Kels, I’m a busy man & I was hoping you would go straight to your Bolivia #1 yarn.

    But you charm us with your story.

    At 4’10’1/2 & 32gg, wasn’t the lassie liable to fall over in a strong wind/on an uneven pavement?

    Curious about the physics of it.
     
  25. RookeryDad

    RookeryDad Squad Player

    The Coles Notes synopsis would be ‘Feck’.
     
  26. RookeryDad

    RookeryDad Squad Player

    Fortunately, really.

    The snow would, almost certainly, have been deposited on the small person with, as the OP hints, calamitous results.
     
  27. kVA

    kVA Reservist

    Wrong subject, it was biology not physics they practiced.
     
  28. KelsoOrn

    KelsoOrn Squad Player

    Here's the thing and why I lost the plot with you. It does seem to happen quite often. B.t.w. - there weren't any 'intimate sex life details'. Where did that come from?

    Anyway, I KNOW this woman. Therefore I also KNOW that if someone turned up and asked to see her toes she'd find it hilarious. And she was also very proud of her cup size and exhibited it prominently as often as possible so relaying that piece of information wouldn't bother her either.

    Now if this woman had been the shy and retiring type then I wouldn't have told the story in the same detail. But she isn't. She loves being the centre of attention. And I'm the one that knows that and not you.
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2018
    iamofwfc likes this.
  29. Diamond

    Diamond First Team

    I struggle to think why you two may have broken up.
     
    Burnsy likes this.
  30. KelsoOrn

    KelsoOrn Squad Player

    Anyway again, I was rather hoping that this thread was going to be a depository for various anecdotes from a number of contributors. But that doesn't seem to be happening yet.

    I've got at least three more good ones. One from Argentina and two from Bolivia only one of which has a sexual element to it.

    But it's really not my turn is it?
     
  31. KelsoOrn

    KelsoOrn Squad Player

    Nymphomaniacs? Steady on ...
     
  32. KelsoOrn

    KelsoOrn Squad Player

    Interestingly an advert for bras has just appeared at the top of my screen ...
     
    RookeryDad likes this.
  33. PhilippineOrn

    PhilippineOrn First Team

    I burned the milk in a saucepan when making a hot chocolate once if that helps any.
     
  34. fan

    fan slow toaster

    I was once looking for my keys and then I found my keys. now ive wrote it here heaven knows I'm a miserable now
     
    wfcwarehouse likes this.
  35. GoingDown

    GoingDown "The Stability"

    I just found the remote after 21 seconds of searching.
     

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