Bargain Hunt

The Misers are smiling and laughing. The free tea and biscuits must be coming round unless daughter Kirsty has scoffed the lot ..... AGAIN!!.

 

Catherine is promised 2 young very heterosexual men for the next episode.

 

The Eagle reminds me of the Illinois Nazi Scene from the Blues Brothers.

 

Or perhaps as an adornment to Treepants Wokesfuhrer's new Fitness Centre for his Blitzen Luftwaffe Surface Drills, a variant on the Royal Canadian Air Force Exercise Plans.

 

Subtitles man spins one for @wfcmoog

 

Is this nominative determinism?

 

BBC approved preamble:
Hemswell 11
Series 68
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001ykf7
Two teams hunt for bargains at Hemswell Antique Centres, aided by experts Catherine Southon and Mark Stacey. Eric Knowles challenges the people of Lincolnshire on their antiques knowledge. Can they guess his mystery item? It’s from the 19th century, it can be made of pewter or tin, it has a pumping action and an ever so tedious link to Lincolnshire history. Over at Hemswell Antique Centres, the reds and blues are pumped up as they go head-to-head to see who can buy the best items to sell at auction. They hope to make some profits, guided by auctioneer Colin Young, up the road at North Hykeham. Expert Catherine Southon is leading the reds, twin sisters Beth and Ellie, as they’re challenged to find an item that comes in a matching pair. The blues, father and daughter team Luzani and Syhann, with expert Mark Stacey, are tasked with buying an item that comes in a set.

The Translation:
Uncle Eric is delighted to be back in Lincs, where he knows he'll get a decent sausage. He's so obsessed with these porcine delights that he starts hallucinating and thinks he's been joined by a collapsed pork pie, which is actually Gropey Catherine in one of her tentish light, as in quick release and easily removed, frocks with ejector knickers, and an acid one-liner dropping, perhaps it's Eric who's dropped the acid, walking piece of prize Haslet, Sarky. Taking the Auction will be a sausage roll, or is it a vegan roll, oh steer away from the bad trip, with a head of a famous prog keyboarder on the end of the pastry. Is that a gavel or a prime Saveloy in the Charcuterie of Porky, Wilbur and Old Major. Now says Eric, where's the mustard?

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Uncle Eric Knowles, supreme sausage scoffer
[Red Team Expert] Catherine Southon, super posh, super dull, super randy
[Blue Team Expert] Sarky Marky The Welsh Wit Stacey, he has been known to enjoy a pansy
[Auctioneer] Colin Rick Wakeman Young, Your Clutter Our Future, Their Gutter You Loser.
[Auction Location] Golding Young & Mawer, Lincs
[Miserlin Rating] Approved

​

The Teams:
[Red Team] Twin sisters Beth and Ellie, Programme director and project manager respectively, the Zef twins, even lower than the Zee twins!!
(Challenge: Comes in a matching pair)
[Blue Team] Father and daughter team NHS Guardian Luzani and Criminology Student Syhann (BAME Box ticked)
(Challenge: Comes in a set)

The Shopping:
Reds: Art Deco style copper cocktail shaker and shot glasses set (25) 25-40 PING, Matching pair of green onyx bookends (75 Challenge) 25-40 PING, Vintage circus-theme compact minus sleeve and box (29) 10-30 OK.
Blues: Studio pottery coffee set (14) 10-30 Good, Large hollow brass eagle figure (110) 25-40 PING, Danish white enamel silver leaf brooch (75) 40-60 PING.

The Distraction:
Eric Knowles challenges the people of Lincolnshire on their antiques knowledge. Can they guess his mystery item? It’s from the 19th century, it can be made of pewter or tin, it has a pumping action and an ever so tedious link to Lincolnshire history. Uncle Eric is told he needs to get his old tin third leg out and to start pumping it in front of the people of Lincs. It's from the 19th Century he says, can you imagine the Victorians getting excited and using it to cream over their strawberries. It's at this point that an unmarked van pulls up, some burly men in white coats appear who lift him up and bundle him into the back. Let's hope he doesn't go the same way as Charl-eh The Fool. We should have guessed, it's a sausage stuffer, something that Eric loves to do. Even better for him is the prospect of a sausage heaven, he's like a pig in muck, or should that be pig product in a synthetic skin.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Art Deco style copper cocktail shaker and shot glasses set (13 profit), Matching pair of green onyx bookends (53 loss), Vintage circus-theme compact minus sleeve and box (1 Yorks profit).
Grabby's BB is a Tiffany Italian silver cruet set (150), cough splutter REJECTED 80-100, 114. Well that was very painful to watch and for Catherine to experience, 36 pounds loss. Ouch.

​

Blues: Studio pottery coffee set (4 loss), Large hollow brass eagle figure (20 profit), Danish white enamel silver leaf brooch (35 loss).
Sarky's BB is a Sliced polished agate Jaeger necklace (40), 15-30, 12. Oh dear not today Mark. It's certainly been one of those Auctions.

​

The Aftermath:
Eric back with his dyed eyebrows, what's that all about. Eric and a sausage device and some sausages for afters, no wonder he looks so happy. That and pots are his big loves. 2 very lacklustre teams, Catherine, who had no men to grope and a pair of weird twin sisters for the Reds, who do not even promote a twitch of sexual response, and a non-descript, apart from ticking the Diversity boxes, Blue Team, with Sarky, who had no material to work with for any witticisms, cynicism, or put-downs, they were that bland and boring. Dreadful Antiques Centre with paltry discounts, the complete antithesis to Clive and Ian's place in Hele. This location was more like Hell. The look of horror on one of the staff's faces when she realised she's have to endure a red hot poker up the wrong 'un for knocking off an additional 95p. Her anus would be permanently unbleached from that day onwards. You know you're at a Colin Keepthemawakeman Auction when the valuations come in at 25-40 for regular items and 40-60 for bigger spend tatlets or ones he considers to be Gold standard or in this case Brass standard. As usual the Auction Room was as lifeless as an SNP/Green Party re-concillation meeting. Any Golden Gavels awarded here need to be checked to see if they are base metal. The Reds get off to a decent start with the cocktail set, just like an indoor sprint specialist against Usain Bolt, but there's the air of inevitability that Insane Bolt is going to zoom past you in the next few strides, in this case it's the next item, the very retro, as in naff and dated onyx bookends, laughably bought for 75 notes which plummets like an Osmium Zeppelin filled with Xenon to a big loss, and then finished off like a forlorn dip at the line with a 1 note profit on the incomplete compact. Still, there's always Catherine's BB to come and rescue them. HA! The Tiffany Cruet, sounds like a Yorkshire detective, was bought for an eyewatering, as in akin to physically extracting from said Yorks person, 150 notes. Before you had a chance to guffaw, the bore twins had already rejected. Then what followed was one of the slowest ever sales, as a Dutch Auction was halted at 50 and a snail-paced climb in 5 pound increments until the mollusc eventually expired at 114, as it's death throes ended in painful 2 pound increments. They end 39 GBP down. Quite good for a PennyPinchers Auction. Next it's Sarky's Boring Blues, the unexciting coffee set, bought to get the challenge out of the way quickly makes a small loss. There's a brief glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel when the big spend Germania-style brass eagle is sold at a reasonable profit to some fanatic in Chippenham. The light is then extinguished when the nice but slightly expensive Danish silver and enamel leaf brooch only makes half it's money. What will Sarky do? Well for his BB he goes quite wonkily off centre with an unusual Jaeger agate necklace. The sort of think you might see round the neck of a weird 60s beatnik, so perhaps it could be classed as extreme Hipsterware. The 40 note forlorn straw clutcher sells for 12 notes, which just about sums this place up. The Blues end on a loss of 47. A peculiar episode only enlivened by some very strange observations. Like Hitchcock's Rope, it was a bit of a failure but with some interesting experimental work. Not the brilliance or excitement of North By Nortwest but not the clunking disaster of Family Plot either. Is it time to re-watch his British giallo, Frenzy ...... lovely .......lovely ......lovely.

​

The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor kick. Uncle Eric up early as he's excited about his sausages and everyone else bar Catherine hit par. She's more concerned about reaching out and groping her imaginary invisible stud. Yes, YES!!

​

 

brunette troll at front appears to be wearing joke shop combo of Groucho spex, nose, and false teeth..

 

heh

"...the Zef twins, even lower than the Zee twins!!
(Challenge: Comes in a matching pair)..."

I bet those two are wearily accustomed to challengers wanting to come in a matching pair.

 

What revolting violent imagery

The look of horror on one of the staff's faces when she realised she's have to endure a red hot poker up the wrong 'un for knocking off an additional 95p. Her anus would be permanently unbleached from that day onwards.

Do keep it up!

 

good idea!

Is it time to re-watch his British giallo, Frenzy ...... lovely .......lovely ......lovely.

Not seen that for 30 years.

 

Barry Foster would surely soon solve the Foghorn volume problem...

 

Impressive mouth aperture size!
Could easily take a jug of moog. Plus some of Eric's sausage.

 

The Provencal village i lived in for years has the longest running annual sausage fest in the country: number 370 is coming up. Several thousand fill the streets, sit at huge dining tables, and get totally blitzed on pork and pink wine whilst pretending to be subjects of Louis XIV.. We elect a Queen of Sausage first:

 

Brad Pitt turned up once (he lives down the road) and they have invited fellow neighbour George Clooney this year. Rumour has always had it that he loves a bit of sausage, of course...

 

(Shortened) Sunday...

David Harper and Gary Pe help two teams look for items of value in Liverpool Antique Centre. Host Christina Trevanion finds out about naturalist and painter John James Audubon's Birds of America books, which are on display in the city's Central Library.

We need a Birds of Britain book, with a chapter just for Princess.

 

Tremendously sarky auctioneer. Making Princess laugh, so we can approve.
Enthusiastically and comically slagging monstrous "codged up" eagle. (Which I bet Danny would buy.)
.

 

haha, classic Pe face freezeframe: eyes tight shut and groaning.

Turtlehead literally tells the Blues he has paid 'all the money' for his BB yet the Blues still take it!

Disastrous Dave was at his worst today.

Ha, Princess: "it was all going so well until David got involved"

 

Booooooooo. They've trimmed the Princess, no not in that way, by 10 mins just so that Alison Steadman can talk about saving Huntingdon. Don't bother, it's beyond saving. Boooooooooooooo.

To cap it all Christina has to endure Scousepool. Careful, your arse isn't the only thing that might get pinched here. It'll be the only Antiques Fair where everything will be nailed down or padlocked to a heavy duty linked chain with touch sensitive alarms. Even then, that won't be enough.

Anyway, Christina is now up and so am I in eager anticipation.

There's a gorgeous view, yes there is, and it's parading in front of us.

What are you waiting for she says? Cough, cough, thrice cough.

Let's take a sneaky peak. Don't worry I don't need to be told.

Oh no. Pervy Dave with 2 young ladies and Gary Peeeeeeee.

Even worse, it's an Adam Aha Partridge fire sale. Renders the whole episode pointless.

Jeez. Look at that lot. The lowest of the low.



Tax office Father and Stoooodent Daughter (BBC BAME box ticked).

Bondage Time did she say. DayGlo you might be on the wrong time. Instead it will be the epitome of Human Bondage, Gary.

Best Female Friends, a council worker and a Florist, are DayGlo's latest victims, I mean contestants. Charlene Tilton and Jaws.



The Reds looked shocked to see it's Gary.

DayGlo demonstrates where his team will be ending up later.



He wastes no time in groping the goods.



Retro/Musical connection

Perhaps the Blues will have to play the Pink Oboe later.

We could do 2 there says Jaws.

DayGlo's hands go even deeper into his pockets, Bad Lieutenant-style.

What do you mean Do Two , barely able to stop himself going over the edge.



Marks and Sparks Tray.

Not trashy enough for Gary?

Gary wants to bring that down meaning the prices.

Pervy Dave wants to bring down other things.

Work your magic Gary, just like Tommy Cooper.

That lacquered table was discounted far too easily.

Can the Blues get the tea set for a steal. Come back later when they're shut.

Quirky mentioned by DayGlo.

I would have a go at those says Dave, planning ahead for later.

Scouse Dealer who sounds like he's going to croak at any minute.

I think Dave may throttle them soon out of pure frustration. They are very annoying.

Gary has found some lustre ware while Dave has found lustre ware of his own, so long as they don't speak.

Farking Hell. That is hideous. Please buy it. LOL.



Death Rattle Scouse Dealer is the one to buy it from.

Prey/Pray for a Bargain. Good one Princess.

Another rare sighting of the Fat Scouser Morbidius Obeseous.



DayGlo gaslights the lamp after Gaslighting his Blue Team.

While Gary and his Red Team are outside after finishing, they place some incidental music from C4's classic Eurotrash.

I want to take you back ......... says DayGlo, the Tension heightens, to 1983, oh, another boring anecdote.

Now, we see Dave looking like a right ponce, modelling himself on Glen Hoddle by the look of it.



The girls are panicking now. Wait until later when the spiked drink or the cloth smelling of Victory Vs appears, that will be the time to do so.

It's all part of his Masterplan to buy that dreadful eagle lamp. It's so bad it's actually good. Like the finest i.e. worst Gary BB PP offering.

They're going to try and shakedown the wheezing Scouser again. This is criminal in that they either buy it or cause yet another fatality in Murderpool.

They phone the actual owner. All you can hear is muffled noises like an elephant has sat on his face, which judging by the standard of local female competition, is actually quite likely.

140 bags it. LOL. It's brilliantly terrible. Partridge will hate it and his den of skinflints won't touch it.

Reds buy the knackered I mean lacquered jardiniere, tray, and lust vase which looks like the European cup.

1950s tea service, bongo drums, and that lamp. 2 real clunkers there.

At least we are getting some Dirty Laughing.

Boooo no Steamstress Distraction. Boooo. Bloody Alison Steadman. Booooo.

Looks like someone's smoking a crack pipe in the front row, while Rolf Harris hopes for some items with not too much age to appear, while Sinbad from Brookside is staring at his own reflection like a Budgie who's discovered a mirror.



It's stunning says Princess. Yes you are.

Partridge is so dismissive, it's up to Christina to remind of the reasons why people by stuff. What an utter plank he is.

Does Christina need more fun in her life? There are a mile long queue of potential playmates waiting to provide it.

Sweet box. Yes I'm sure it is.

He hates the massed produced items. So sniffy.

That eagle. Alabaster not marble. Crudely glued with the glue showing. LOL. Shows how much attention to detail DayGlo paid.

It's described as codged up into a lamp. LOL.

He values at 50-80. The noise he makes when she says they paid 140. Sounds like the last breath of a victim of the Boston Strangler.



Christina asks if he has any large lampshades they can hide it in.

Auction time. This is going to be bad.

Big loss on the jardiniere.

Profit of 12 for the tray. He's so sarcastic but in a snide, unfunny way.

Now comes the European Cup. A fiver is made.

Gary BB time. A theatre prop chair. 20 notes. Reasonable for Gary. Still a bit shiiit though.

It has a function I supposre snipes Partridge. He can barely be bothered to sell it. It wipes its face.

Ends on -43. Actually OK for Aha Auction.

Christina loves an original box.

15 note tea set loses a fiver.

Bongo drums make 2 notes. Surprised.

Now, THAT lamp. 60 notes. Big 80 notes loss. LOL

His BB is a solid silver Tiffany pen 100. Spunked all the money. 30-50. Ooooouch. He makes that weird ooof noise again. 70 notes. A 30 loss. That must be a 3-figure loss. Yup, 113 loss. Utter crap performance for Pervy Dave. Time for that car boot trip.

Very rapid final kick.

2 crap experts, a terrible Auctioneer, one of the worst items ever seen, the Eagle Lamp, but the Princess looked gorgeous as always. Enjoyable episode.

 

It was only a Half-Gary. Full Gary needs both his hands on head or hands covering eyes.

 

Jaws or is she the New Kinski, Not Nastassja but Klaus.

 

After the disturbing image above it's time for Steamstress Lobby Cards:

 

There was a quick mention of this in July 2022:

Moog:
David Middlesbrough Montie Bonko Harper has had a nightmare today.

They should have an experts league, because that performance was relegation worthy.

Gary Pe steady, mid table fare.

Auction was not generous, but was fair I thought. The money spent on that eagle and that pen was farcical.

Reg:
Awful arrogant auctioneering arseh0le. Turned his nose up at almost everything. Surprised he didn't put gloves on before touching the items.

Moog:
As a paid up bedwetter, I enjoyed his demeaning sneering at the items.

 

Re-up from July 2022 with Distraction and with other additions.
BBC approved preamble:
Liverpool 27
Series 55
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000g08w
Today’s Bargain Hunt comes from Liverpool with Christina Trevanion. Experts David Harper and Gary Pe are guiding today’s reds and blues around the Liverpool Antiques Centre before taking their three buys to auction. Christina finds out about Audubon’s magnificent Birds of America books, which are on display in Liverpool’s central library.

The Translation:
It's time to calm down as we head off to L'pool, cityport of thieves. Uncle Eric has done previous episodes in this series here but for some reason has been replaced with the sultry Christina. Who's complaining? Today she is joined by Gary Pee Pee and Dayglo Dave at the Liverpool Antiques Centre. She tosses with the crew in a private bet to settle the means of ascending St John's large erection. The Auction is down the road with Arrogant Adam. He turns his nose up at most of the items. How dare they bring him a load of tat.

The Staff:
[Gaffer] Bomb de sexe Christina Trevanion.
[Red Team Expert] Gary PeePee, Bonus Buyus Bizarrus Sh1ttus
[Blue Team Expert] Dayglo David Harper, the Teeside Tat Trouserer
[Auctioneer] Adam Aha Partridge, your snuff box is about 30 mil from my gland.
[Auction Location] Livermoan
[Miserlin Ratin] Approved

​

The Teams:
[Red Team] Professional Brit Asian (Box ticked) father and daughter
(Challenge: Retro)
[Blue Team] Best female friends, ones a florist, stand by for screeching, oh no giggling girlies.
(Challenge: Musical connection)

The Shopping:
Reds: Chinese lacquered stand (95) maybe, Retro M&S Melamine tray (8 Challenge) bargain, Art Nouveau-style Lustre vase (35) OK.
Blues: 1950's boxed Tea set (15) OK, Tribal bongo drums (28 Challenge) OK, Hand carved marble eagle lamp (140), oh dear it's alabaster not marble, way overpaid.

The Distraction:
Audubon’s magnificent Birds of America books which later became Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Next time Liverpool’s central library will be showing us their stunning collection of 1970s Whitehouse from David Sullivan's personal collection. I wonder if Sonic Youth did a song about that.

​

The Auction:
Reds: Chinese lacquered stand (biggish loss), Retro M&S Melamine tray (nice profit), Art Nouveau-style Lustre vase (small profit).
Gary's BB is a metal theatre prop chair (20), 20-40, 20, evens stevens.

​

Blues: 1950's boxed Tea set (small loss), Tribal bongo drums (small profit), Hand carved marble eagle lamp (big loss).
Dayglo's BB is a boxed silver Tiffany pen (100), 30-50, LOL, snidey cackles like Ebeneezer, 70, a loss as he bought with his heart rather his head. A nice item but paid far too much for it.

​

The Aftermath:
What an arseh0le that Auctioneer is. Sarcastic, flippant, turns his nose up at everything, almost as sniffy as Rees-Kirk. He doesn't understand the point of the show is take pick ordinary items and sell them at the profit, not snear at them because they're tat. So what if it is! His disdain of them during the Auction was really annoying. Probably the worst of the male Auctioneers, makes Tubby Thomas seem like H****n. Mind that lamp was godawful. DayGlo had a disaster but Gary did OK. Some days he's steady Eddy but other times he gives Carloss Tragicooper a good run for his money, with also a tendency for a BB brainfart moment as seen by his teapot lamp, creepy painting etc.

​

The Hi-Kick:
Standard indoor quick kick, so par not quite reached as it was a bit rushed for some reason. Is DayGlo wearing Rupert Bear inspired trousers, or has he stolen them from Roo's washing line? Yes, YES!!

​

 

can we have a chapter devoted to my fave bird too please. (carefully avoids lowering the tone by making reference to the group of birds prefixed Great, Blue, etc - apparently there are 8 species in the UK - forum blocks posting a link due to the species word contained therein)

 

Today it's the turn of The Fool, Bingo and Steph with a Dr Evil Auction. I hope Steph gets decent contestants this time.

Small hungry worms. Yes, you are Charl-eh.

The Red Blokes want to have fun with someone. They get Steph. Wish fulfilled.

Cavalry sword could be First World War.

Bingo. Hat OFF NOW.

Steph almost over in the mud.

 

Bingo gives the Ballerina a good finger and grope.

 

Arrrgghh. Anglepoise lamp.

Devil worship Globe with forbidden signs around it.

The Buffs. Will we see our Red Expert in the buff?

 

A Mulberry bush, for silk manufacture.
Plenty of silky bush in this too..

 

Steph says she has never seen a yellow anglepoise lamp.
How odd.

Ah, Dr Evil! Hurrah

 

i usually hate Lorna but that is lovely.
Surely gonna do well?

 

An ageing Alec Baldwin bidding for the ammo boxes.
Bit late to be concerned about gun safety, mate.

 

Another absentee. Boo.

No Bingo Blues for Bingo.

Both Big Spends were downfall for both teams. Those Herbert Terry lamps do sell but not today.

 

Steph looking sexy in red. Is she suddenly interested in military hardware after all, cos husky Redbloke might have an old weapon she can unload.