Well, I drew the short straw. There's no use moaning about it, so rubber gloves on, take a deep breath, pinch my nose and extend the most lukewarm and insincere of false smile Hornet welcomes to our unloved visitors L*t*n T*wn. We've been awaiting this visit in the same spirit as neighbours who've made an ill-advised invitation to the 'problem' family down the street. Here comes Dad Luton striding along with his hairy pot belly poking out from under his union jack t-shirt, drooling pit bull straining at the lead, loudmouth Mum Luton with her tattooes and grubby loose elastic orange track suit drooping down and showing the crack of her fat arse and following along behind, hordes and hordes of sweary dirty little ill-kempt Lutons, keying parked cars, shouting racist obscenities and throwing litter in people's gardens. All of football hoped and expected that their delicious and long-overdue plummet into the dismal depths of non-league would lead to a subsequent disbandment of the 'club' with all records expunged. But here they are again polluting us all with their eye-wateringly awful dayglo orange colours (a palette shade previously used only in the manufacture of Sainsbury's plastic carrier bags and seat coverings for cheap airlines). Their dismal rundown ramshackle 'stadium', where the tatty UPVC conservatories still line the pitchside (Trip Advisor comments: “By far the worst stadium in the football league”, “Ugly dated ground, a real dump”, “Worst stadium in modern day football”, “Time to demolish it”, “Luton is not a nice place to visit, I would describe it as Lucifer's toilet”) And then there's their support. My god, what can you say about their support that hasn't already been said? Overwhelmingly voted least popular opposition supporters and worst matchday experience amongst all 72 EFL clubs, Luton fans are universally despised across the country. A picture is worth a thousand words, so lets take a look at one or two examples. Those of a delicate disposition might want to scroll past quickly. Traditional Bedfordshire street urchin 2. Smirking sex pest 3. Shrek 4. Shy boy is ready for all weathers 5. What did he ask for in the barbers? 6. Decapitated ginger head displayed by ISIS It's fair to say that the unfortunate resurgence of Luton Town, has been only slightly less popular than that of Covid-19. Lessons need to be learned from this. You see, unless decisive action is taken once and for all at both a government and FA level, this sort of thing will will just go on happening. It just needs someone brave and principled enough to implement the three simple demands that for which the whole county is clamouring. 1. Disband Luton Town FC and expunge all of their footballing records. 2. Demolish Luton and its surroundings in its entirety, making it a criminal offence to live amongst the ruins. 3. Plough the fields with salt. Then the problem is solved decisively once and for all. Fellow Hornets and Hornettas, you know that I always try to be positive in these reviews. I always try to find out one or two things about the visitors and where they come from. But what chance have I got here? The local newspaper decided to collect data on Google searches using the phrase 'Luton Is' and reports wistfully “And unfortunately for Luton, the data suggests the town is seen as a dump and dangerous by the rest of the country”. There's not much you can really add to that. You only need to try it yourself to find pages and pages of posts from all sorts of different sites warning against travelling or living there. Here's a little photo essay: I suppose we ought to take a brief look at one or two of the mercenary players and staff who have given up all self-respect, dignity and humanity and instead have succumbed to the temptation of dirty money to turn their backs on everything decent by pulling on the orange dayglo shirt. Who knows how their conscience lets them sleep at night. Manager Nathan “Taffy” Jones – An intense beardy from the Welshest of Wales, Jones' downfall came in 1995 when as a fifth-rate player at Merthyr Tydfil, he failed to resist Satan's temptation and foolishly signed for Luton. A young innocent Christian lad who was a regular at “chapp-ell”, he was horrified to discover the true depths of the nightmare to which he'd agreed. Arriving in the squalid, semi-derelict town with its rubbish strewn streets, rats running around and a grunting neanderthal fascist fan base, a shocked Jones barely even bothered unpacking his bags and quickly turned round and skedaddled as far away from Bedfordshire as his little Welsh legs could carry him. He told the hideous orange mutants that he had to erm leave “immediately” because he was “homesick” for sheep and Welsh cakes, but the moment he was out of their sight, he jumped on a plane and headed thousands of miles away to Spain where he stayed for several years trying to come to terms with the horror of what he'd witnessed. However the psychological damage was too deep and like a criminal returning to the scene of a crime, Jones returned not once but twice to manage them. Nobody can feel sorry for him now. He's brought it entirely on himself. Players Simon the Slug (GK) – The result of a freak genetic accident when a Croatian lady accidentally ate a radioactive slug in her salad, Simon the goalkeeping gastropod slithers around the Hatters penalty area leaving a trail of slippery mucus designed to make opposition forwards lose their footing. He represents their record ever signing, with a fee that could rise to over one million pounds! Ahhh bless. Sheik Norovirus-Davies (DF) – Saudi Arabian-born former Barrow and Aberystwyth Town defender. Polly Cockrot-McPansy (MF) – Short, fat ex-Boreham Wood midfielder. Daniel 'Heil Hitler' Hylton (F) – Thoroughly unpleasant bald and beardy white supremacist who is hero-worshipped by Luton fans. Fined not once, but twice for racially abusing opposing players, Hyltop has been fined £1000 and banned for eight games for his race-baiting antics. Harry Cornick Jr. (F) – 53 year old US singer, pianist and composer. Prediction Ought to be an easy win for our lads, but I'll let the opposition have the final word. Obviously you'll score zero lads, but how many do you reckon we'll get?
A 'free hit' for us. Win and Ivic is safe at least until bonfire night; lose and because no-one will be there to see it, we can pretend it never happened. Are we really playing this shower of sh1te again? And with us arguably the underdogs? Wake me up when this nightmare is over
A little OTT Clive! Surprising for the impartial reviewer and judge that we all know you to be. To make sure of your facts I did a fact check on your review and need to correct a couple of things for the sake of impartiality: One person thinks it’s a great ground if you support Luton Town and fanatical (I think the word ‘racist’ was cut off).. Having said that someone called Johno does give a more balanced view: And don’t be so hard on the Welsh. There aren’t many jobs in the valleys these days so they have to get what they can.. Other than that, my fact check confirms a 100% accurate review...
I genuinely didn't know they had a gastro pod, a neo nazi and a crooner/actor in their line up. Informative as well as factual. Also, well done @Clive_ofthe_Kremlin for sticking to impartial facts and not succumbing to the temptation of simply writing an invective against our rivals.
I know we’re meant to hate them. But above all else, I pity them. It’s always easy to pity the plague victims. But very few felt bad for the rats, who suffered perhaps most of all.
Why should I care about Luton ? No one will care on that pitch Anymore . Why should we be Evie yes to care . Used to be a good rivalry one of the best!
Feels dirty that we’re in the same league as them. Absolutely have to win this and ram it down their throats. Ivic needs to tell the players it’s another friendly against Spurs, that seems to get the best out of them.
Free swing. Seriously though, I can see this game going down in history. I'm calling it now. This will be a new shame to top them all. Forget 8-0, forget the cup final, forget relegation. We will all remember this performance in 30 years. The game where after 18 years, we finally played the scum and they battered us. Let's see the response from Gino's pathetic apologists then.
Whilst I know a lot of this is tongue in cheek, there will be those on both sides only too keen to reignite the ugly violence of the past, even though many of them will be too young to know what it can be like. You'd also hope those who are old enough to have been involved in past violence will have grown up a bit, but I doubt it. It is a shame that a full house can't be there to watch it, however we're lucky in some respects that it's behind closed doors (or will the EFL let a thousand of us go?). There are, I gather, rumours that some them are going to come down anyway. Either way, I'm optimistic but cautious. Pride comes before a fall and all that. They're on a roll, we're struggling to score goals with a new team. Saying all that however I hope we beat them well and that Ighalo scores a few when Man U reserves play them in the cup earlier in the week. COYH!
A train full of Loon neanderthals is planning to arrive at Watford Junction apparently. Perhaps they plan to make another remake of 'Brief Encounter'. Who will play Celia Johnson I hear you ask.
He'll know. He just won't give a ****. £25m for Suarez and £45m for Sarr with the bare bones squad Ivic is left with getting battered 6-0 and he'll be swimming in his lucre like Scrooge McDuck.
I remember when Ray Lewington was the manager and we lost to the Scum at home in the League Cup I think (it was the night of their fans' thuggery on the pitch before kick off). It was only after the game that Lewington said he hadn't appreciated the level of hatred and rivalry between the two clubs. I hope we don't make the same mistake again and someone at the Club emphasizes to Gino and Ivic that we have to be up for this game 110% because you can better your bottom dollar the Scum will be.
The forum is in a state already and we're unbeaten this season. If we lose I can't imagine the scenes.... COYH
I want to beat Luton. I want to beat every team we play. Luton more than most. But I must say this 'hatred'of another team is sad, and potentially dangerous. If something like Nic Cruwys happens again because of this hyped up rivalry I think threads like this will have something to do with it. Please be passionate but also keep it sensible. Just my thoughts
When half our team aren't interested in Watford, I hardly think they'll be interested in Luton. Going to have to hope quality prevails because I'd be amazed if we out-fought them. So sad writing that.